Siblings: hatchet and peace pipe

Do you remember when we asked our little brother for fifty centimes so that he could enter our room?

Do you remember when we used to chase each other round the house, each armed with a deodorant spray from our big brother?

Do you remember how many times you hit me because I allegedly stole a Lego brick from you?

Anyone who has siblings knows stories like this. You don't choose your siblings. You are born into the family before them, after them or in between and have to find your place. With them, against them. You remain attached to them for life, usually longer than to your parents or partner or your own children. «For better or worse», as the English say.

«For better or worse»: this ambivalence is typical of many sibling relationships. Intimate familiarity, rivalry, jealousy, mutual support, indifference, love and hate - everything happens between siblings. Nothing is left out.

Take Benjamin, for example. The eleven-year-old says of his two siblings: «Moritz always wanted to play with my Lego and thought they were his. He never gave them back. And my sister won't let me use her bathroom just because it's closer to her room.»

Or eleven-year-old Matthias. As soon as his seven-year-old sister's friends turn up, the otherwise well-adjusted boy becomes a horrible troublemaker. He annoys the girls until the visit leaves in tears and he and his parents are called in for a talk. If you ask him why the girls are bothering him, he says: «Because they behave like bosses!»

«Indians are either on the warpath or smoke the peace pipe - only siblings can do both.»

Kurt Tucholsky

And then there's Lara. The 13-year-old is the youngest of four siblings and the only girl in the family. She is a slow eater. But an organised one: she keeps everything neatly labelled in the fridge to eat at a later date. But that never happens: some brother is always quicker.

Yes: So mean!

A strange bond

Anyone who has siblings knows the peculiar bond that links sisters and brothers - despite all their differences. Sibling research in psychology has long focussed only on the problematic aspects of this relationship. The predominant topic: sibling rivalry and jealousy.

This begins with the first fratricide in the history of mankind. Cain kills his brother Abel because he feels wronged. The biblical stories of Jacob and Esau, Joseph and his brothers or the prodigal son are also dramas of jealousy. Myths and fairy tales also take up the theme of favouring one child and putting the other at a disadvantage. Rivalry between siblings seems to be a fundamental, even primal human experience that transcends all time and cultural boundaries: the feeling of being threatened by others, of having unequal opportunities, of not being understood. At the same time - as if the one is inextricably linked to the other - all the sibling stories also tell of the opposite: of a deep bond with each other, of mutual support and reconciliation.

US author Francine Klagsbrun interviewed numerous adult brothers and sisters for her book «The Sibling Complex». She was surprised by the great emotionality of the siblings she interviewed. In the interviews for the book, mature women suddenly started sniggering at each other as if they were back in the middle of the playground.

Seasoned men would have turned into small, insecure boys as soon as the big, all-powerful brother was mentioned.

It is made of particularly durable material, the invisible bond that connects the siblings. Even if you would sometimes like to cut it, it is difficult to do so. It's rare to be with siblings, but even rarer to be without them.

«Siblings are our first play partners. With them, we experience emotional premieres such as love, anger and jealousy.»

Susann Sitzler, author of the book «Siblings»

The secret of equality

Unlike the relationship with parents, the sibling relationship is not characterised by dependence and hierarchy, but is based on equality. Brother and sister are each other's most marvellous and direct critics. It is easy to criticise one's own siblings: unlike with parents, criticism is not associated with punishment and, unlike in friendships, it does not result in withdrawal or a break in contact.

The German psychoanalyst Horst Petri («Siblings - Love and Rivalry») says that the kind of love that encourages self-insight and change is most likely to be possible in sibling relationships. Psychologists also claim that relationships between siblings are generally perceived as positive and happiness-inducing - at least if they manage to be different and yet equal.

«Sibling love is not natural. Even if we might wish it were.»

Susann Sitzler, author of the book «Siblings»

Of course, children are not aware of all these complicated relationships. They are clever anarchists and torpedo the social code of adults, at least at a young age. It is completely normal for things to go on like in the Wild West. Kurt Tucholsky already knew: «Indians are either on the warpath or smoke the peace pipe - only siblings can do both.» It doesn't happen without arguments. Much to the chagrin of the parents, who are already totally fed up with the morning squabble over who gets Nutella first.

Dossier: Siblings

Suspicious harmony

Because we parents would like brothers and sisters to go through life together. Like Hansel and Gretel, holding hands in the dark forest. Unfortunately, this is a completely unrealistic idea, because what relationship is without friction and resistance? «Life with children is not without tension,» says Heidi Simoni, Director of the Marie Meierhofer Institute for the Child. Closeness can never be free of contradictions. And when children are not like Hansel and Gretel, but sometimes like cats and dogs, this not only disturbs the peace and quiet of adults, but also scratches the varnish of their ideas. «But the exciting thing about being a parent,» says Heidi Simoni, «is to stay curious and discover who and how each child is.» Even if one or two things are perhaps very difficult to understand.

Children who get along smoothly are even more suspect. Particularly intense and - in the adult sense - conflict-free relationships between siblings arise when the children are deprived of reliable parental attention. Where parental love is lacking, siblings become essential to each other in their search for personal identity, according to research. Hansel and Gretel are therefore very rarely a shining example - but rather an expression of emotional distress.

But there are also magical moments. Siblings who are close in age often share a lot of common experiences. They develop their own language, they communicate using a code that only applies to them. They learn to share and be caring, they are aware of each other's fears and know each other's little quirks. They try to get their way together and learn early on that some things are easier to achieve as a couple. According to psychology, siblings, like all close people, become inner «good» objects and are crucial for self-esteem. Siblings can be sources of strength to whom you owe a lot in your own development. If this closeness does not develop, the parents are usually to blame. If they favour one child over the other, jealousy, rivalry and envy arise.

When siblings argue, parents should interfere as little as possible. Experts advise.

«Favouritism» is the name of a more recent branch of sibling research. It examines the unequal view of one's own children. The study by sociology professor Katherine Conger found that 65 per cent of mothers and 70 per cent of fathers of the 384 pairs of siblings studied showed a preference for one of their children, usually the eldest. Not an easy thing for the children, says Heidi Simoni. «It becomes difficult for children if they have to stick to rigid coalitions and are the daddy's or mummy's child during their childhood or long after.»

However, wanting to please all children equally is an expectation that cannot be fulfilled. Horst Petri calls on parents to let go of this obligation, which completely overwhelms them. «This is part of the basic structure of every human relationship. The characteristics that a child brings to the table are also decisive for harmony in the family.» However, it is important that no parental value judgements are made: If the clever child is also considered the better one, unavoidable rivalry can turn into bitter hatred. The parents' favourite pays for this with the rejection of the loser.

Rare fractures

Nevertheless, outright breakdowns in sibling relationships are relatively rare. «But there are indeed siblings who don't have the right chemistry,» says Heidi Simoni. «But a fundamental incompatibility is rather rare.» According to Horst Petri, this usually occurs when «one's own life balance is assessed extremely negatively and that of the siblings extremely positively». Ultimately, it's always about power. Many children imitate their parents' authority and use it brutally on the younger ones, sometimes even more brutally than their parents. With younger children, the younger brother is not allowed to play when the older one has a friend over. Bang, the door is closed! Is your finger still in it? Oooh, bad luck.

In adulthood, the power games become much more subtle. This is the only way to explain why Alexandra (35), a lawyer from Zurich, spruces up her flat and gets fresh flowers every time her older sister announces her visit. «Otherwise she'll give me a few disapproving looks and tell me how messy I am.» But it also gets bad when the older sister can't find a word of praise for the immaculately tidy home. Then the successful lawyer quickly mutates into a little girl who longs for approval from her superior sister.

Ancient familiarity

Fortunately, sibling relationships are subject to change. While childhood relationships are characterised by close cooperation in all its facets, puberty often marks the beginning of a phase of separation. After that, children often scatter in all directions, live, study and work in different cities and are sometimes separated for years. As adults, some siblings only see each other once or twice a year. «That says little about the familiarity and reliability of parenting,» says Simoni. «Being together all the time and having to share everything can be very inauthentic and agonising.»

«Being siblings doesn't mean that you love each other. Being siblings means that you belong together without having to love each other.»

Susann Sitzler, author of the book «Siblings»

The birth of children often brings siblings closer together. Or when the family goes through a crisis, for example due to a separation or illness of one of the parents. But as people get older, they move closer together again. When the children have left home, the partner is absent or ill, retirement is on the horizon and one's own finiteness becomes an issue - this is when people start to remember their siblings more and more. And the age-old familiarity returns. As with Helen and Elisa, two of four sisters. When Helen's husband died, her favourite sister moved closer again. «I'm just glad that Elisa is there, even if I don't have to have her around all the time,» says Helen. She would have been very lonely without her sister.

But even in old age, you're not immune to sibling squabbles. When it comes to money, for example. Parents' wills are a major touchstone for siblings; after all, they are seen as a yardstick for the amount of money that is still being fought for in old age. Horst Petri says: «Ultimately, it's not about the question of 10,000 francs, but about the anxious question: Who was the parents' favourite child?»

Sibling dynamics - What role does sibling succession play?

Alfred Adler, the founder of individual psychology, had five siblings and suffered above all from his relationship with his older brother Sigmund. He felt inferior throughout his life. It was an experience that made him suffer and later led him to make the following statement: a child's character depends to a large extent on its place in the sibling order. According to this, after the birth of a second child, older siblings suffer from a feeling of disempowerment and a lack of attention, especially from their mother. According to Adler, in order to be loved anyway, older siblings tend to copy their parents and develop into rather stubborn and conservative adults. The second-born, on the other hand, becomes open-minded and flexible, according to the theory. However, if there are other successors, the second-born are strongly challenged because there is competition both upwards and downwards. The youngest, on the other hand, are often seen as creative and open-minded, often blessed with entertainer qualities, because they don't want to get lost in the hustle and bustle of the extended family.

Is it really possible to predict how you will develop as an adult based on your sibling sequence? «That's something for the rumour mill,» says Jürg Frick, a specialist psychologist. «It's an untenable cliché, because there are no generalised assumptions about siblings.» You can't accurately predict a child's development based on their playmates at home. At best, there are only tendencies. What Frick means is that there are not only biological differences between children, but it is also important what happens to these biological differences in later life.

The complete study is available at www.swissfuture.ch.

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