Should I move away from my son for a new love?

A father shares custody of his four-year-old son with his ex-partner. Now he is considering moving house. This would mean leaving his son - at least physically. He asks Jesper Juul for advice in his conflict of conscience.

I am a 30-year-old man and have a 4-year-old son from a previous relationship. We only live a few kilometres away from each other. I have a very good relationship with Mirko, my son, and also a reasonable relationship with my ex-partner. Although we have little personal contact, we are able to talk about our son. We share custody. Our son spends three days a week with me and four days with his mum. That works well. On the days he's with me, I pick Mirko up from nursery and drop him off the next day. My ex-partner and I are both from Valais, but now live in St. Gallen. We moved there for her education.

I've always wanted to go back to Valais to be with family and relatives. I have my network there and really feel at home. One of the reasons for the separation was our disagreement about our future plans. My ex-partner is doing well in the city and seems to want to continue living here. I, on the other hand, don't feel comfortable here. Now I've met a woman in Valais and fallen in love with her. She also has a child - he's the same age as Mirko. The two children recently met and got on well. Things are going really well when the four of us are together. I'm sure I would have been just as unhappy with my living situation if I hadn't met this new woman.

«Ultimately, it's not about your son. It's about who you are and who you want to be.»

Jesper Juul

The problem is that the distance between Valais and eastern Switzerland is very long. If I were to move, joint custody as we have it today would be impossible to realise. For me, it would mean making a new arrangement for my time together with Mirko, and that's probably the thing that unsettles me the most. When I move, it will be a completely different everyday life for the boy and me. It's obvious that Mirko appreciates both parents. I'm struggling with my conscience about what to do. My reason and my feelings are divided. I want to be involved in my son's life as much as possible and at the same time I know that my happiness lies in Valais.

I feel very selfish when I think about how much distance this would put between me and Mirko, but on the other hand it makes sense for me to take this step in order to get on in life. Should I give up «my own needs» in favour of my son's? Because I also want to share my life with someone. Friends advise me to wait until the boy is older or his mother returns to Valais. If I move away, I'm not sure what life will be like for me and the boy - even though I'm convinced that he would be much better off with me if we were in a place where I feel comfortable. But how often would I be able to see my son? Would I provoke a conflict with his mother by moving, which could make contact more difficult?

Jesper Juul answers:

Their concerns contain the essence of issues that are far too often moralised or hushed up. You are faced with what is called an «existential choice». It is a decision that will determine the rest of your life. There is only one right answer - your own. In such a situation, it is wise to gather information that sheds light on the dilemma you are facing. However, all the theories and facts in the world can only enlighten you, but not take the decision away from you.

Existential decisions are lonely decisions. Only you can make them. Nevertheless, it is a good idea to get qualified support from experienced people - including your child. If you are considering professional support, it would be best to have someone who can deal with the big questions of life without having to worry about finding solutions for you.

«Sometimes you are faced with an existential decision - no one can make it for you.»

Jesper Juul

Ultimately, it's not about your son, but about who you are and who you want to be. The following questions arise:

  • Ist es traurig für Ihren Sohn, wenn Sie wegziehen?
    Ja, das ist es. Sie scheinen ein engagierter, liebender, verantwortungsbewusster Mann zu sein, der eine starke gegenseitige Bindung aufgebaut hat. Daher wird es ein grosser Verlust sein – auch für ihn. Aber auch grosse Verluste schaden weder Kindern noch Erwachsenen. Sie tun nur weh.
  • Wird er das Vertrauen in Sie verlieren, wenn Sie Ihren eigenen Bedürfnissen folgen?
    Nein, das würde nur passieren, wenn Sie ein kalter Egoist wären, dem die Gefühle des Kindes egal wären.
  • Wird er wütend auf Sie sein?
    Ja, das hoffen wir um seinetwillen. Die Seele und deren Empfindungen – also auch Wut – gehören zum Trauerprozess. Diese Emotionen werden euch in den nächsten fünfzehn bis zwanzig Jahren Anlass zu vielen guten Gesprächen geben.
  • Wird die veränderte Beziehung zwischen Ihnen eine grosse Bedeutung in seiner Entwicklung spielen?
    Dies ist eine offene Frage. Die grosse Mehrheit der Kinder hat eine besondere Beziehung zu einem Elternteil. Diese Verbindung ist nicht emotionaler, sondern existenzieller Natur. Das heisst, mit diesem Elternteil wird das Kind über das Leben lernen und wie es damit umgehen soll. Nicht durch Lernen und Erziehung, sondern durch tägliche Anwesenheit. Ihr Sohn wird Sie vermissen, aber werden Sie ihm auch fehlen?
  • Und Sie sollten sich selbst fragen: Könnten Sie mit dem Verlust leben?
    Voraussetzung für Ihre Entscheidung ist, dass Sie sich selbst wie auch Ihrem Sohn in die Augen schauen können, zwar mit Trauer, aber einem guten Gewissen. Sonst werden Sie ein Verlangen erfahren, Ihren «Verrat» zu kompensieren. 

So my advice is that you should talk to a handful of sensible people - people who are genuinely interested in you as a person and are not making hasty moral judgements about others - and then the decision will mature in you.

In collaboration with familylab.ch

Jesper Juul (1948 - 2019)

Take your child seriously - treat them with respect. Children don't need boundaries - they need relationships. Parents don't need to be consistent - they need to be credible.

The Danish family therapist Jesper Juul has influenced people like no other in recent decades with his parenting and relationship principles. The founder of the familylab counselling network and author of over 40 books («Dein kompetentes Kind», «Aus Erziehung wird Beziehung») was married twice. He is survived by a son from his first marriage and two grandchildren.

Jesper Juul died on 25 July 2019 at the age of 71 after a long illness in Odder, Denmark.

Read more:

  • Jesper Juul über eine Auszeit ohne Wegsperren
  • Jesper Juul über Smartphones im Familienalltag