Separation: «Put your ego in your pocket for the good of the children»

Matthias Lehmann: We separated seven years ago when Tom was eight years old. The judge was amazed when we turned up with completed separation forms. We managed to separate as a couple without our parenting having to suffer. There are couples who are still together and have it worse together than we did.
Martina Kral: Of course there were situations where I would have liked to throw everything against the wall. But it's none of the child's business. I was left behind as a partner, not as a mother. So I kept all the anger and aggression away from Tom. And I filled myself with work, which helped. Now I'm done with it, I'm grateful to have a great, healthy child. My credo: anything but self-pity. Put your ego in your pocket, it's worth it!

Matthias Lehmann: That shows greatness. There are couples who turn up at parents' evenings and you can see a cloud of poison surrounding them from afar. I'm glad that was never the case with us.
Tom Lehmann: I can still remember what it was like with the three of us. That was a very nice time. Then I was told that I had to live in two flats, sometimes here, sometimes there. I thought that was funny at the time, totally cool. But at some point I started to miss the second person around me.
Martina Kral: When you were ten years old, you said that you had slowly realised that you could now move back in together. It was time to tell you that we parents couldn't manage to live together.

Online dossier Separation:

Tom Lehmann: It's true for me today. I live with my mum, but my dad has a flat in the same estate, so I have two rooms.
Matthias Lehmann: We parents meet at least once a month to plan the next few weeks. Specifically, we go through our agendas day by day. When Tom was eight, we meticulously compared our rosters. Where there were gaps, we organised lunch with another family or made sure that Tom could spend the night with friends. That's no longer necessary today. Tom is now very independent.
Martina Kral: When we plan, we also talk about everything else: grades at school or whether Tom needs new shoes. If I write something to the teacher, I always take Matthias into the CC. That way we're always on the same page. It's bad when you deliberately withhold information in order to gain an advantage over your ex-partner.
Matthias Lehmann: When it came to the divorce, there was a stalemate in terms of maintenance and finances. Today, we still split Tom's costs equally - larger items such as snowboarding lessons or guitar lessons anyway. But there's also a Tom account for smaller things that we both pay into.

Martina Kral: My own money and my own flat made it possible for me to be independent. Without my own income, I might not only have fallen into an emotional hole after the separation, but also a financial one.
Tom Lehmann: I spend an estimated 30 per cent of my time with my father. It's been more than that. I'm in second secondary school and I'll be leaving school in a year. Where I live then depends on where I find an apprenticeship.
Martina Kral: The agreement between Matthias and me is that we will stay in the same town and the same neighbourhood as long as Tom is of school age. We are both in new partnerships. It's quite possible that one of us will move at some point. It's clear that it has to be right for Tom too, after all he's the only biological child for both of us. Why not a men's flat share with the two of you? That would be nice too.

Read more:

• Children of divorce: How can a good separation be achieved?
  In the last 50 years, the divorce rate in Switzerland has more than doubled. However, a separation does not necessarily have to have a negative impact on a child's development. Provided that the parents manage to behave in the best interests of the child. How does that work?

• Mrs Gassmann, what helps children during a separation?
  Sonya Gassmann supports parents during separation. More important than talking is being present and doing something with the children, says the psychologist.

• «I wouldn't wish what we had to go through on any other family»
  She wanted to split childcare after the separation, her ex-husband claimed custody for himself. The case of Mahalia Kelz shows that courts are still struggling with alternating custody.