Separation: «I wouldn't wish what we went through on any family»

"My husband and I got married in 2001 and over the next five years I gave birth to four sons, including twins. The children are now between 11 and 15 years old. We separated in 2012. What my sons and I have had to go through since then is something I wouldn't wish on any other family.
After the separation, we lived together for a year in the house that I had bought for the family and that I still own today. We parents shared the care of the children between us on a daily basis. It was a terrible time for everyone. The fact that neither of us wanted to give way and move out was partly because we both wanted to live with the children. On the other hand, the court would probably have simply confirmed the status quo on the custody issue later on.

The separation judgement came in December 2013: my husband would be given sole custody of the children and the right to live in the house. I can't get the wording of the grounds out of my head: both of them were «capable of taking care of the children», but my husband «probably had more time». Because he didn't work, but I did. And I work part-time. I can do a lot of the work at home and at flexible times, so I'm there for the children a lot. I was told that I had to move out within three weeks - and just before Christmas!

Online dossier Separation:

That was a shock. I appealed and, according to the appeal judgement, which arrived after seven months of waiting, I didn't have to move out head over heels after all. I was then extremely lucky and found a large yet affordable house in the same village, where all my children have their own room. I am convinced that one of the most important things for children of separated parents is short distances. I see every day how practical and necessary it is to have everything within walking distance.
In the beginning, my children were only allowed to visit me as part of visiting rights. Because my husband vehemently opposed alternating custody, I had to fight for four years until visiting rights were extended as part of the divorce proceedings in March 2017 to such an extent that my children are now with me almost as often as with their father. And this is despite the fact that my sons wanted this from the start. When they were questioned by the court, they said: «It's so stupid that a week has seven days. You can't divide seven by two.»

The divorce and the definitive settlement of custody and right of residence are still pending. This is very stressful for the children. I tried really hard to prevent the parental conflict from affecting the children. Initially, I wanted to resolve everything through dialogue, but by then my ex-husband had already hired a lawyer. It's so important to take the other person seriously, even in the biggest dispute, to recognise and respect their needs so that you can come to a joint solution that benefits the children above all.
In order to help future separated children, I have trained as a mediator on the side. Based on my personal experience, I am also involved with the children's rights organisation Kisos. We are calling for equal childcare to become the norm. Parents should not be obliged to alternate custody, but this should become the «first choice» in court practice - because it is demonstrably the best thing for the children and fulfils their fundamental rights. Children can cope with separation, but one parent cannot be replaced."

Read more:

• Children of divorce: How can a good separation be achieved?
  In the last 50 years, the divorce rate in Switzerland has more than doubled. However, a separation does not necessarily have to have a negative impact on a child's development. Provided that the parents manage to behave in the best interests of the child. How does that work?

• Mrs Gassmann, what helps children during a separation?
  Sonya Gassmann supports parents during separation. More important than talking is being present and doing something with the children, says the psychologist.

• «Put your ego in your pocket»
  Instead of losing themselves in endless trench warfare, Martina Kral and Matthias Lehmann from Lucerne are prioritising the well-being of their 15-year-old son Tom after their separation.