Saying yes to each other once again

I stand at the front of the church in a long white dress and promise Romain my love and fidelity. My voice shakes, my hands tremble as I put the wedding ring on him. My husband is also struggling with nervousness and blinks away tears. We are both relieved when we sit down and are allowed to calm down to the song Trouver dans ma vie ta présence . We hold each other's hand, first looking down at our rings and then up into each other's eyes. Excited and happy.

Haven't we experienced this together before? Yes, back then, when we celebrated our wedding 16 years ago. Today it feels like déjà vu, and yet it's completely different. This time we're not standing at the altar as a young couple, but renewing our wedding vows in the midst of life. This time there aren't 100 guests sitting behind us. It's just the two of us and our three children in the small chapel.

This time, we're not just thinking of the good days and the bad days, because we've also experienced the really bad ones.

This time, when we say "in good and bad days", we're not just thinking of the good ones, because we've also experienced the really bad ones. This time we are less convinced that only death can surely part us; stress, conflicts and misunderstandings have almost done it a few times.
We came up with the idea during a family holiday. At the time, we were living in the USA and relaxing on the beach at Anna Maria Island in Florida. At sunset, a couple with three children stood there barefoot in the sand, a priest in front of them, exchanging rings. "Congratulations on your wedding," we shouted to them later in the restaurant. "We've renewed our wedding vows," they explained.
Romain and I looked at each other and spontaneously decided that we would do the same. At the time, our third child had just been born - our family happiness, our marriage, our whole life seemed just perfect. Maybe it was the under-the-palms holiday effect.

In the years that followed, this thought slowly changed. Instead of "IF we are married as long as these two...", we both thought "IF we make it that long together...". Then, yes, then we could also renew our wedding vows. But somehow the paint seemed to be peeling off. Every year brought new arguments.

Moving again - and if so, to where? Redivide the responsibility for work outside and inside the family between us - and if so, how? Dealing with the children's school and puberty crises, professional flops, health problems, psychological crises - our lives just seemed exhausting.

A declaration of intent: continue and ask for help

And we were always arguing. At the lowest point, I threw it in Romain's face: "And why should we say yes, I do, when we're actually thinking: wait a minute, do I still want to?". He was speechless at first and then countered: "Exactly BECAUSE it's so damn difficult! Because I don't believe that a new promise should just be icing on the perfect cake. For me, it's an intention to continue and a request for help". That touched and convinced me.

With this realism, we freely formulated our new marriage vows. We vowed to give each other freedom and closeness, to value the other and to endure. We prepared a ceremony in which each child and we ourselves would make a wish for the family and pour different coloured sand into an engraved glass. In the church, we saw how the colours blended together, how impossible it would be to ever completely separate them again - and yet how each original colour remained. A symbol of our family. And we heard from our church leader, herself married for many years, how love can be blind at first. That it takes trust, will and time to open your eyes.

How true, we thought. And said yes to each other again. With open eyes, with which we can see each other's strengths and weaknesses much more clearly than 16 years ago. And with the hope that this yes will also carry us over the next hurdles.

Suggestions for the second marriage vows. What was important to us ...

• Develop a common vision: The most exciting part is the discussions and arguments beforehand. Why do we actually want to renew our wedding vows? What is important to us, what do we hope for?
• Building on the wedding and creating something new: Which elements of our wedding (dress, music, texts, flowers, decoration, location of the celebration) do we want to take up again? What do we want to consciously create in a new and different way - because we missed it at the wedding, because we would have liked it to be different or simply because it corresponds to our reality today?
• Define a budget: What do we want to spend money on and how much? An atmospheric celebration doesn't have to be expensive. Organising it yourself is a wonderful project as a couple and family. Where can friends help us, how much money do we want to spend on professionals? How do we want to decorate, what do we want to wear? Having good photos taken keeps memories alive.
• Find a setting: Where do we want to hold the ceremony? Many churches and wedding organisers now offer the option of renewing your vows or are persuaded by the idea. Do we want to be among ourselves or invite others, how do we want to celebrate afterwards?
• Looking back on our relationship: How do we want to look back on the years we spent together? Creating a special photo album, film or slideshow together makes us aware of what we have shared and what connects us.
• Formulate a very personal promise: Yes, you can also fall back on the classic words. But coming up with a very personalised text also means rethinking our relationship: what do we really want to promise our partner today, what touches and inspires us?
• Involve the children: It's a great and important moment for children to see their parents say yes. It's great if they can also take on an active, exciting role: Helping with decorating and choosing clothes, making a sign, wearing rings, being flower children, formulating wishes for the parents and the family themselves, lighting candles, releasing balloons, singing or taking part in a sand ceremony in which the family members pour different coloured sand together.

The author:

Read more about the topic of long-term partnerships:

• How does a relationship work and how do you prevent stress from eating away at love? Interview with couple researcher and therapist Guy Bodenmann.
  
• When there is a lull: Are open relationships a solution? Bern-based couples therapist Klaus Heer warns against exaggerated expectations in a globalised world where anything seems possible.
  
• Does sex without orgasm make you happier? When the baby arrives, sex between mum and dad becomes a rare commodity. Sex counsellor Diana Richardson talks about a functioning love life in a busy family routine and what speaks in favour of sex without orgasm.