«Resist without causing damage!»
The reader writes:
Over the last three months, we have noticed a big change in our son Mario, 12. He is often moody and makes life difficult for both us and his eight-year-old brother.
It goes up and down. When we spend the weekends or holidays together, he gets back to his old self, but as soon as he's at school and with his friends, he gets grumpy and stops responding to us parents.
We try to fulfil some of Mario's wishes. We also know that we have to let him go, but he is never satisfied and happy. He always sees the negative, never anything good or positive. When something happens, he always blames others.
His negative attitude towards us and his home is wearing us down. We try to talk to him calmly and he often seems to understand. But the next day he is negative again. Mario is popular with the others, but he doesn't have as much to boast about as the other boys in his class. How can we get closer to Mario and reach him?
Jesper Juul answers:
What you describe is the normal picture of a twelve-year-old in puberty. He encounters new references in his life - friends - and major remodelling work begins in his brain, which has always worked to everyone's satisfaction until now. Over the next few years, his behaviour and character will change. Not only in terms of his moods, but also in terms of the abilities he had before. They seem to have disappeared at the moment.
Look at your son now as if he were an exchange student from a «different culture» and learn how to deal with him.
«If parents constantly interfere, the child doesn't feel valued.»
Jesper Juul
Your description reminds me of an experience I had during a conversation with a patchwork family. The mother introduced her family and concluded with the following words about her eleven-year-old son: «He is now at an age where family is no longer so important to him.»
The woman was sitting next to her son, who had a few tears running down his cheeks. When I asked him about it, he said: «That's not true, Mum! My family still means a lot to me. I just spend more time with my friends now!»
Your son Mario is now looking for his own way to find his way in the world. If I asked him to prepare dinner for the family, he would probably try to be a good cook and experiment with everything at his disposal to achieve this goal.
But if his parents constantly interfere and say that they would never eat something like that, then he feels valued. He feels that the energy he puts in is not appreciated. He has been given a task, so to speak, but has not been given the opportunity to be responsible for its fulfilment.
«Put up maximum resistance and cause minimum damage.»
Jesper Juul
The best way for you as parents to meet your son in his new role is to take on the role of a sparring partner. This means being a kind of training partner for him, offering maximum resistance and causing minimum damage. He now needs your answers and feedback; the traditional form of education in the form of «lessons» is now a thing of the past. He needs honest, authentic and personalised feedback.
The more you judge and evaluate his new attempts and possibilities of being human, the more he will reject your way of being.
If we use the image of him as a cook for the family, it is not only okay, but it is even very important to say: «I didn't like that» or «Mmmh, that tasted good».
This can lead to conflicts, but they are conflicts that both parties grow from. This in turn strengthens the relationship in both directions.
«You should also be able to take no for an answer.»
Jesper Juul
If you believe that your son can benefit from your experience and perspective, then wait for his invitation first. This means communicating to him, «I want to talk to you about what we had for dinner yesterday. Do you have time?» You also need to be able to take no for an answer. You no longer automatically have access to his consciousness and no longer have his permission to say anything at any time.
The lines you wrote to me give me the impression of a family with two committed, loving and responsible parents who have done a wonderful job. Perhaps with a tendency to be a little «too sensible». You will get your well-deserved reward for this - although it will be another ten years or so before you receive the payout.
Until then, apart from being present, there is only one thing to do: love your son as he is in his uniqueness, even if that is the most difficult thing. This is what he really needs, but what he can't ask for. You have given him the confidence and foundation to be the best person he can be - even with his flaws.
Jesper Juul
is a family therapist and author of numerous international bestsellers on the subject of parenting and families. Born in Denmark in 1948, he went to sea after leaving school and later worked as a concrete labourer, dishwasher and bartender. After training as a teacher, he worked as a home educator and social worker and trained as a family therapist with Walter Kempler in the Netherlands and the USA. Since 2012, Juul has suffered from an inflammation of the spinal fluid and is in a wheelchair. Jesper Juul has an adult son from his first marriage and is divorced from his second marriage.
Jesper Juul writes regularly and exclusively in Switzerland for the parents' magazine Fritz+Fränzi. Order your subscription now!