Peer pressure - my child can't say no
Mahatma Gandhi once said that happiness comes when what you think, say and do is in harmony with each other. This is precisely why it is so important to us parents that our children can stand up for themselves and remain authentic despite peer pressure and headwinds. We want them to develop their own values and opinions, stand by their feelings, say yes when they mean yes and no when they want to set themselves apart.
«It's important for parents to realise how difficult it can be to stand up for themselves.»
Fabian Grolimund
Some children manage this very well. Others find it difficult. They let themselves be persuaded to do things that they regret afterwards. They feel compelled to say yes when they mean no. They adapt their opinions to the group and feel less and less what is important to them. But why is it so difficult to stand up for yourself? And how can we empower children and young people in this respect? As social creatures, humans are so dependent on the group that an innate desire to belong and an innate fear of exclusion from the group have developed over the course of evolution.
Not owning a smartphone can make you an outsider
Saying what you think can have negative consequences. Even today, a dissenting opinion can cost you your freedom and your life in many countries. But even here in Germany, we should not underestimate how difficult it can be to set yourself apart, think differently and behave differently. Not having a smartphone can make you an outsider in some schools and classes. Wearing the «wrong» clothes can make you a target for ridicule. Saying what you think can cost you friendships, your job or your social standing. As parents, it is important to realise how difficult it can be to be true to yourself. This is even more difficult for children and young people because they cannot yet choose their social group, but have to come to terms with their class or neighbourhood. When we find ourselves in a situation where we have to take a stand, a process of internal weighing up begins. We weigh up the advantages against the disadvantages and decide to either courageously stand up for ourselves or give in to external pressure. So we ask ourselves: Is it worth it to me?
What determines whether we stand up for ourselves Whether it's «worth it» depends on many different factors. It's much easier for children to stand up for their concerns if they can:
- can perceive their own wishes and feelings in a differentiated way and express them well;
- have a strong position in the group and know that a dissenting opinion will not change their popularity;
- have many friends and are therefore more independent;
- know that relationships can withstand a lot and that it is possible to make up after arguments and disagreements;
- have role models who show them that you don't have to bend to fit in and who accept them for who they are.
How well children cope with social pressure also depends on their personality. Some children are highly sensitive to rejection. This is the tendency to expect rejection («They won't like me anyway!»), to quickly interpret events as such («They'll probably laugh at me!») and to react excessively strongly to them emotionally («They all hate me! I'm worth nothing!»). Sometimes it is also new situations and changes that unsettle children who otherwise have no trouble standing up for themselves (a new group, a new school, puberty, etc.)
«True independence comes when you help your child to listen to themselves.»
Fabian Grolimund
If a child has difficulty dealing with peer pressure, it is not uncommon for parents to demand that the child stand up for themselves and their opinion. They say things to the child like: «You just have to say how you feel!», «It doesn't matter what others think of you!». Such statements put the child under pressure. At the same time, they are deprived of the opportunity to be truly independent. The child can only «decide» whose pressure to give in to - that of the parents or another group. However, they will no longer be able to listen to themselves and hear their own voice.
You can help your child to find their own solution
True independence is created when you help your child to listen to themselves. Instead of telling him how he should behave, you can listen. You can ask him questions: «Hm ... your friends seem to think this is very important. What's it like for you?» You can help them to realise and weigh up the dilemma they are facing: «You don't want to go to the party - but you're afraid that Tina and Rebecca will be disappointed in you?» You can help the child to find their own solution. Sometimes they will stand up for themselves and will be happy if you help them to find the right wording. Sometimes they will agree to something so as not to disappoint others. The difficulty with such conversations lies in reflecting not only on the child's motives, but also on your own. One father said to me: «What can I do to help my son develop more self-confidence? He wants Nike trainers - just because everyone in the class wears them. I want him to be able to resist peer pressure.»
«To empower your child: say what you think a little more often - and act accordingly.»
Fabian Grolimund
During the conversation, he realised that he wasn't interested in independence: «You know, to be honest, I just think branded clothes are stupid and I want him to see it the way I do. But he seems to think these trainers are really great.» The father finally jumped over his shadow and granted his son's wish.We all bend from time to time. We moan at home instead of telling the boss diplomatically but directly that we think his idea is half-baked. We meet up with friends or relatives when we don't really feel like it. We don't tell our partner things we don't like so as not to risk an argument or offend them. We talk about others instead of with them. Sometimes this makes sense - often it's just more convenient in the moment and leads to us feeling controlled in the long term. So the final tip for empowering your child is to say what you think a little more often - and act accordingly. In many cases, the consequences will be much more positive than you can imagine. Your child will observe you and become a little braver themselves.
To the author:
Fabian Grolimund is a psychologist and author («Learning with children»). In the «Parent coaching» section, he answers questions about everyday family life. The 36-year-old is married and father to a son, 3, and a daughter, 11 months. He lives with his family in Fribourg. www.mit-kindern-lernen.ch / www.biber-blog.com
Fabian Grolimund writes regularly for the Swiss parents' magazine Fritz+Fränzi. Interested in other exciting topics relating to parents, children and young people?
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