«Parents, stay calm!»
Mr Wermuth, how are young people educated today?
Parents used to sit down at a table with their teenager and reveal the last secrets of sexuality. Today, 10-year-olds already own a smartphone. They come into contact with many aspects of sexuality even before puberty. We have to assume that they see things online that are not intended for them.
So there are no more «last secrets»?
At the age of 14, young people already have a level of knowledge that parents often can no longer contribute to. I am therefore in favour of continuous education, which is part of parenting and develops gradually over the course of a child's development.
«We have to assume that children see things online that are not intended for them».
Sex educator Bruno Wermuth
Why do many parents find this difficult?
Because they believe that small children are not interested in sexuality. Or they are afraid of waking sleeping dogs. But that's not the point. Even small children should have a relaxed attitude towards their bodies and see them as something worth protecting and loving. This is precisely what gives them the opportunity to set themselves apart. What you value, you also protect.
What do you mean in concrete terms?
For example, boys need to be made to understand that their genitals are not just for peeing, but also provide pleasurable sensations. Even babies have a hunger for skin. This can and must be satisfied - for example through physical affection from parents. And later through playing doctor. As parents, you have to constantly reinterpret the topic of sexuality at different stages of development and age.
«Even small children should have a relaxed approach to their bodies».
Bruno Wermuth
How should you name the genitals to the children?
Penis is a foreign word to us. We don't speak Latin in everyday life, why should we do so when naming sexual organs? It is legitimate to use the terms that you yourself used as a child. But you should also be open if a child comes home with other terms. It is their right to use them, even if they take some getting used to for their parents. If the child talks about «fucking», you should react calmly and ask what they mean. Sexual development is also language development. Not everything is provocation or brutalisation.
How should parents react if they are surprised by their child having sex?
Children can and should be able to see that their parents like each other. Parents should continue to cultivate their sexuality when they have children. If the child bursts into the bedroom in the middle of lovemaking, you should stop immediately and remain calm. If the child has questions, you have to answer them. For example, if they want to know what mum and dad have just been doing, you can explain that they both loved each other very much and were playing together. Children don't usually want to know details, but want to talk about what they have experienced and what may have frightened them - for example, mum's loud moaning while dad was «holding her down».
Many parents are inhibited when it comes to sexuality.
When parents name the body parts themselves, they send the message that you can talk about such things. Unfortunately, many parents forget that silence is also a message. Those who have not learnt to talk about sexual matters suffer in adulthood.
«It is fatal when parents try to impose their own sexual views on their children».
Bruno Wermuth, couples and sex counsellor
When should parents inform their children?
From birth. It is crucial that they do not have a defensive attitude towards topics relating to sexuality. And that they take children's questions seriously. Answering these questions honestly does not lead to children becoming sex monsters. You have to create space to talk and see questions about sexuality as an offer of a relationship. It is tragic when parents lose their relationship with their child due to their defensive attitude. You can say: We no longer want to talk about this topic or we no longer want to see this behaviour. But you shouldn't be surprised if the child then seeks information elsewhere - from people or sources that the parents may not like.
What mistake do parents often make?
It is fatal when parents try to impose their own sexual views on children. After all, children cannot adopt a perspective that is very different from that of their parents. When children play with their sexual organs, they do not associate this with sexual satisfaction or orgasm. But parents do. Parents should be aware that what is sexual is in the eye of the beholder.
What roles do fathers play in the Enlightenment?
A very large one. Unfortunately, this is underestimated. Men are also explicitly invited to take their children into their arms. They should not be intimidated by the suspicion of paedophilia, which is unfortunately often associated with men who are affectionate with their children. It's bad when a man is afraid that his partner might use a loving exchange with his own child against him.
Picture: fotolia.com
Read more:
- Are you still having sex or already have children? In many parents' beds, there is a sexual lull as soon as children arrive.
This article is part of our big December dossier on sexuality. It sheds light on the sexuality of both young people and their parents. You can order a copy of our magazine here.