«Parents need to take the pressure off»

Now the whole family is back under one roof. In Caroline Märki's case, it's her husband, her 16-year-old son and two grown-up daughters. The older one has brought her boyfriend with her from Paris, where she is studying. The coronavirus crisis has also created a completely new situation for everyone in the Märki household.

Mrs Märki, how are you?

I'm surprised how well things are going. Everyone has something to do, my daughter and son are homeschooling and e-learning respectively. My son is doing an apprenticeship; as he can't work much at the moment, he's learning to play the guitar, which he teaches himself via YouTube tutorials. So everyone goes through the day as they please: in pyjamas, showered, scrubbed or nicely dressed.

A kind of family coworking community ...

Fortunately, we have plenty of space and a garden where everyone can retreat. That makes a lot of things easier. I've converted my consulting room into a home office, so we can easily get past each other. Another advantage is that my daughter's boyfriend is a top chef. He constantly provides us with delicious dishes.

There are currently many tips in the media on how to manage the state of emergency with teenagers. They say that with most of the tips, parents run straight into a nerve-wracking power struggle. Why is that?

I find it amazing that people are talking about it at all.

What do you mean?

Well, how parents communicate or deal with teenagers shouldn't be any different in times of crisis. It seems to me that many parents have the feeling that it can do something to them now. But that doesn't work. That leads to a subject-object relationship. But I am in favour of an equal subject-subject relationship.

Mothers and fathers should be authentic in conflict situations, and even more so now.

Do you have an example?

I recently read «tips» in the Sunday press on how parents should organise the daily routine with their teenagers. One example was that teenagers should get up at certain times and not spend the day in their pyjamas. I immediately asked myself: Why fixed times? And why not in pyjamas?

What do you suggest?

Rather, the teenager should live their own responsibility. If parents don't give their teenage child this space, they will constantly run into conflict. This is because teenagers react very sensitively if they don't feel that they are being treated equally. Equality means nothing other than taking the other person as seriously as I do myself. This allows everyone in the family to relax and feel more at ease.

But you do need a bit of structure ...

... of course. But you have to allow young people in particular to organise their own schedule. Whether my daughter completes the homeschooling programme in her pyjamas and only gets up five minutes before the e-learning starts is secondary. For me, it's more important that she does it. Many parents focus too much on themselves and their preferences. Personally, I prefer to get up at fixed times. But if I demand that my daughter does it exactly the way I want her to, it only creates a bad atmosphere and what have we achieved? I don't tell my best friend when and in what form she should do her bookkeeping.

Now it is very important for children and young people to think for themselves, because parents can't do everything.

What we are currently experiencing collectively is perceived by many people as a global transformation. The outcome is currently uncertain. How are families faring?

We are currently being thrown back into a tight-knit community and confronted with the fact that we can no longer escape from certain issues. This inevitably leads to disputes.

What is your advice?

Parents should be authentic in conflict situations, and even more so now. As a parent, ask yourself honestly: What really upsets me? Not all feelings that come up are authentic. Rather, they are protective mechanisms. Anger, for example, is often fuelled by the fear of not being a good parent if the child doesn't do what parents demand. Or now that the child is failing the school curriculum and has to repeat it.

These are legitimate concerns for parents.

Suppose the child has to repeat because he or she can't cope with the material. What's the big deal if the child has to do an extra lap? The corona crisis is a situation that we are all experiencing for the first time and is overturning everything we know. It is therefore also an opportunity to get off the collective hamster wheel. In ten years' time, nobody will be asking whether the child had to repeat it. What's more, it looks like a lot of young people feel the same way. We will have to find a collective solution at a societal level.

So we all get an intensive programme for introspection?

It is a great opportunity to work on yourself. I recognise a lot of positive transformation potential in this. I can imagine, for example, that parents who have previously favoured hierarchy, i.e. who have allowed children little personal responsibility, will now «get the bill for it» in this situation. Independent thinking on the part of children and young people is now very fundamental, because parents can't do everything.

What tips do you personally have for the exceptional everyday life of parents?

Parents should refrain from imposing their ideas on their child. If parents criticise their dreamy child for completing a task slowly, they are sending the message «You're not ok the way you are». This is poison for a child's and teenager's self-esteem. And that's what they need most at the moment.

Children don't want perfect parents; good enough is wonderful.

What do you suggest?

The focus must move away from the child and towards yourself. This actually applies to every difficult situation, and now in particular: As a parent, don't think «what can I do differently so that the child cooperates?». Instead, ask yourself: What is the situation doing to me? What do I really want to say? Then bring these insights into the conversation with your child.

But it's difficult to simply push away a guilty conscience. One online reader, who works as a theatre nurse and is currently working non-stop, is tormented by a guilty conscience because she cannot offer her child the necessary support with homeschooling.

Parents need to take the pressure off. In your example, the woman has obviously set a very high bar for herself in terms of what makes a good mother. But in this crisis, it is even more unrealistic to fulfil these demands on yourself. That doesn't automatically make you a bad person. I like to quote Jesper Juul here: "Children don't want perfect parents; good enough is wonderful.

Do you have a tip for parents with a guilty conscience?

The key word is authenticity. As a parent, it is very helpful to tell your child honestly that you are sorry that you can't help and to explain why. In most cases, this is very well received. Perhaps the child has an idea of how to organise themselves. Perhaps friends will help, or they can go to a family friend who can help them with the tasks.

Motivation: Many teenagers often don't have much enthusiasm for learning, even in normal everyday life. How can you motivate them to do something independently and on their own in homeschooling during these times?

I have a bit of trouble with the word «motivation». It means that there is something I can do and then my child will get back on track. But if a child says that they are fed up with school, then I would take them seriously and take an interest in what exactly is causing them difficulties. I can talk to the child about this and acknowledge their views and feelings. I also like to ask where they want to go in life? What is their goal? They may not need school to achieve this goal. And if they do, then «going to school» makes sense again. Then I can recognise that it is more difficult for the child than for others who enjoy going to school. A young person wants to be seen. Where he is with his difficulties or fears. They don't need someone who wants to take them somewhere and put pressure on them.

Many parents will find this difficult.

As a parent, you have to put up with the fact that your child makes mistakes and wants to make their own experiences. We have a very good education system that supports our children.

Now would be a good time for young people to make a contribution to society. For example, there are calls to help farmers with the harvest because labourers from Poland and Romania are currently unable to enter the country.

You can help children to develop ideas. They have to be able to take action themselves and find their own tasks. For example, my husband and I suggested that our children help older people. Our suggestion was not taken up and we left it at that. A short time later, my daughter announced on her own initiative that she was going to help out with a farming family where she had already completed a social work placement. Out of her own motivation, because she didn't want to just sit around.

Young children like to spend the whole day with their parents, but friends are much more important for older children. How can parents compensate for the lack of interaction with friends?

I have the feeling that young people don't need our support in this regard. They are very well connected online. Our children, for example, maintain close contact with the outside world. I don't think it's so tragic that they can't see their friends physically at the moment. Also because, ideally, they have a connection within the family. But if a child feels lonely at home and experiences the community as restrictive, then they are naturally very lost at this time.

Why does a child have to rush up the ladder in a hurry? It still has plenty of time to get back in.

Should parents therefore be more lenient with media time?

With small children, it's clear to me that parents need to keep an eye on them. It's different for teenagers, where parents should also allow them to take responsibility. A child who has learnt how to deal with media also has a healthy attitude towards it. Even if they play online games too often for their parents' taste.

When is there a need for action?

I would worry if the teenager is just holed up in their room and no longer takes part in family activities or no longer completes their homeschooling tasks. Once this point has been reached, I recommend that parents don't rely on bans, which usually doesn't help with teenagers, but instead talk to them to find out what's so great about endless gaming. Excessive use of media can also mean that the child is scared or bored and is getting high in this way.

The professional course is currently being set. However, interviews for apprenticeships are unlikely to take place, and some grammar school exams will be held and some will not. This time is so important in the lives of young people and many parents are worried about their children's professional future. What do you recommend here?

Counter question: Why does a child have to rush up the ladder? It still has so much time to get back in. These worries stem from the model of a performance-orientated society, which is not good for anyone. Once again: in these special times, everyone feels the same. If professional and educational careers are affected by the current crisis, then that is even more reason to relax.

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