«Parents need an extra reservoir of energy»

Family researcher Annette Cina knows how much pressure many parents are under today. They need to take better care of themselves, says the psychologist, so that their children are also doing well.

Mrs Cina, the interests of children play a significant role in the everyday lives of many families. Don't parents lose sight of their own needs in the process?

Self-care for parents is actually one of the most important issues in parenting. This point is neglected by many fathers and mothers. With serious consequences.

What consequences are you talking about?

All parents face the challenge of recognising how their child is doing, what stage of development they are in - and reacting accordingly. If I am calm as a parent, I can do this better. If I am stressed, overwhelmed or struggling with possible conflicts, I don't have enough resources to respond to the child. However, children react very quickly if they don't get what they need. Problems then arise or intensify. The issue of parental self-care is therefore extremely important for children's wellbeing.

However, there are always phases in a child's development when parents feel they have no time for their own well-being.

Especially at the beginning, in the infant phase, the child is naturally dependent on the parents reacting promptly. When it cries, it needs quick feedback. As a parent, it is essential that I can adapt to the child's rhythm and use their rest periods to do something good for myself - and not, for example, to tidy up the flat or do other things that have been left lying around. But many parents have a problem with this loss of control.

Do parents need to learn to accept more chaos?

Children disrupt familiar routines. Because parents often have to react to them unexpectedly, they are unable to maintain their routines. But we are creatures of habit. We want structure and control. Parenthood means that many things go differently than planned. Depending on how well you can deal with this loss of control, you are more or less stressed. If you remain confident, if you can say to yourself: «Okay, this is difficult now, but we'll manage», you'll feel better even in stressful phases.

Conversely, however, many educationalists advise getting children used to familiar routines at an early age.

Being flexible does not mean living your day in an unstructured way. It helps to establish a certain rhythm in the family. When parents set routines and boundaries, a child knows: «Aha, that's how we do things». That gives them security. If a child knows what is expected of them, they usually become calmer. Perhaps not immediately, but over time it adapts to the structure. This in turn gives the parents stability. If they know when the children go to bed, for example, they can plan their breaks, their self-care.

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This article is part of the online dossier Parenting without scolding. Read more about how: Children demand a lot of patience from their parents. It pays to stay calm, because scolding is useless. But how does parenting work without getting loud?

How can this balance be achieved? Many parents experience sooner or later that a child does not want to fit into certain structures so easily. For most, for example, keeping appointments is an eternal struggle.

In such phases, it is worth thinking carefully about what you want to focus on. As a family, you also fit into a social structure. There is constant external judgement. If a child is constantly dawdling, you can ask yourself what they actually need now. Where is the problem coming from? What is important? What should the child learn, what does it need to achieve? You can think about the need for a voluntary afternoon appointment. You can't negotiate the start of school. You can only get up earlier so that you don't have to push so hard. Pressure almost always produces resistance. You can also offer your children compensation for the fact that some rules are non-negotiable.

What kind of compensation?

Times when they have to adhere to few or no rules. This is an offer that conveys attention and appreciation to a child. In return, you can communicate which things are non-negotiable. A sentence like «I expect this from you, there's no discussion» is absolutely fine. Even children who need a lot of freedom do relatively well when they are recognised and acknowledged. To do this, parents need to keep an eye on their children and respond to what moves them.

Does this mean that parents have to respond to their children in order to fulfil their own needs?

That is connected, yes. Parents need to feel and recognise their own limits. Only if they feel strong enough themselves can they also strengthen their children. Many parents focus too much on what they have to do now and how they should be. They get lost in the expectations of others and lose their calm and strength as a result. The focus should be on your own family. To do this, social expectations sometimes have to be ignored.

In theory, some people are aware of this. In practice, however, many mums and dads shoulder a lot of the burden because they think that's the way it should be. What do you say to them?

My advice is very clear: less perfectionism. You have to reduce the excessive demands. Sometimes I ask parents, especially mums, things like: What are the priorities? What is really important? That your kitchen and home are clean? That all the T-shirts are ironed? Or that your child learns with you how to calm themselves down when they have a tantrum? Parents need time for their children, you can't make up for it elsewhere. It will never be the same again as it was when you were still planning things for yourself. This realisation is part of self-care. Parents always need an extra reservoir of energy.

Annette Cina, 49, arbeitet am Institut für Familienforschung und -beratung der Universität Fribourg. Die Psychologin und Psychotherapeutin hat drei Kinder und forscht u. a. in den Bereichen Prävention von kindlichen Verhaltens-störungen, Kindererziehung, Elternberatung und Stress.
Annette Cina, 49, works at the Institute for Family Research and Counselling at the University of Fribourg. The psychologist and psychotherapist has three children and conducts research in areas such as the prevention of child behavioural disorders, parenting, parental counselling and stress.

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