Parents have the upper hand!

A dispute between parents and children is unfair. Because parents always have the upper hand. Our author often feels the other way round. The fact that their children are their children gives them a lot of power.

Parents can end conflicts with their children by simply making a decision. Parents can punish, reward, impose consequences and use words of power. So why do I often feel so helpless when I argue with my children?
Perhaps it's because I often can't get past the child's logic . («No, television doesn't harm my brain, on the contrary. I protect it because I don't need it when I watch TV.») Let alone against the reasoning of a teenager. («I'll be tired in the morning anyway, no matter when I go to bed. So I might as well stay up.»)

My children are allowed to think I'm daft. And I have to be understanding.

According to an unwritten law, my children have the right to think that I'm ultra stupid and mega embarrassing at any time and to be terribly angry with me. In return, I don't have this right, but have to show understanding and, in the best case, a sense of humour.

The latter is helpful when they throw things at me that I, as their mum, wouldn't even dare to think, let alone say out loud: «Eh man, dude, you're annoying! But really!» Whereby the «dude» is a good sign, because in their language it means that I am accepted as an equal discussion partner. After all.

Of course, my children annoy me too. Not just a little, but sometimes «really». But I'm never allowed to tell them that I think they're being ultra stupid («I think you're really stupid right now» doesn't pass as one of those much-vaunted «I» messages, I'm afraid).

On the contrary. I take great care to make it clear to my children in arguments that I don't think they are stupid, but what they are doing or have done - or not done. To which I am usually told that I just don't understand. (Conversely, imagine if I said to my child: «I'm trying to explain something to you here, but you just don't understand, silly!»)

If she wasn't my daughter, I would never put up with it!

If my children were adults - friends or work colleagues - we would never resolve conflicts the way we do. I would probably just leave an eternal know-it-all like my son alone instead of still feigning loving understanding after countless attempts to explain. And if someone came at me in the tone that my teenage daughter sometimes uses, I would probably declare the discussion over immediately.
I can't do that with my children. Because I have a duty to argue with them and set boundaries. But I also have a duty to raise them to be self-confident and independent individuals - and therefore never to make them feel insecure or even humiliate them in an argument.

That's not always easy. But when my son said quite pragmatically the other day: «I don't even know why I'm shouting, I know it's useless», I thought that maybe I'm not doing it so wrong after all.

Autorin Sandra Casalini hatte kürzlich Diskussionen mit ihrer Tochter. Sie liess – dieses Dossier im Kopf – erst einmal die 12-Jährige reden. Diese erklärte sich wortreich – und kam ganz allein zu einer Lösung. Ab sofort gelten für die Mutter folgende drei Regeln bei Konflikten: 1. Zuhören. 2. Zuhören. 3. Zuhören
Author Sandra Casalini recently had a discussion with her daughter. With this dossier in mind, she first let the 12-year-old talk. She explained herself eloquently - and came to a solution all by herself. From now on, the following three rules apply to the mother in conflicts: 1. listen. 2. listen. 3. listen

How do we argue properly?

This is the topic of our big dossier in the March 2017 issue. You can view our table of contents here and order the magazine here.
Would you prefer to read another article from the dossier first? You're welcome! Here is an interview with family therapist Jesper Juul on the topic of arguing.