Parents' envy of the childless

I must preface today's blog post with a warning. The topic could jeopardise your emotional stability. Or annoy them. But it has to be said. Sometimes family can get boring and you wonder whether you made the right decision. I often felt that way when the children were younger, usually on Saturday afternoons. For example, standing in front of the chimpanzee cage at the zoo and watching the animals throwing bananas at each other to the soundtrack of my children demanding to know why the monkeys have such funny bums. Instead of going on an excursus about the theory of evolution, I thought of completely different bums. The ones that were just walking down the catwalk at the only Basel fashion show of the fashion class, adorned with the creations of this young, hopeful new generation of young fashion talents. Rather than talking about chimpanzees and the upcoming afternoon snack, I would have preferred to discuss which collection is now state of the art and which is not.

«Sometimes family gets boring and you wonder whether you made the right decision.»

I often had this feeling when the children were small. But it's sometimes difficult to admit, especially to yourself. Sometimes I needed input from outside. For example, when a friend, a single mum, newly in love with a childless man, told me about dinner with him: «We talked about our dreams, wishes and plans. And I had to pull myself together. Sometimes that makes me so jealous.»
«In what way?» I asked. «He has his life, his job, can go travelling, do what he wants. This freedom.» I felt like the Roth couple from Woody Allen's Husbands and Wives. When their best friends tell them that they want to split up, the Roths don't want to hear about it and are so upset that their marriage ends up being ruined. That's how I feel when others ask whether there aren't better ways of living than the family. So I barked my «Yes, but!» into the phone like a Pavlovian dog and rattled off something about the depth of the experience of having children and that freedom isn't everything. Then my friend asked me if I wanted to come to the graduate fashion show with her. I wanted to, but couldn't because I had my niece visiting.

«He has his life, his job, can go travelling, do what he wants. This freedom.»

Envy is not a particularly noble feeling and that's why people don't like to admit it. Especially not in front of yourself. But it does exist. It feeds on the idea of all those free people out there who don't spend their afternoons at the zoo, planning long trips, spontaneously deciding on some nonsense, and you suspect that you've fallen into a stupid biological trap that your smarter friends have elegantly avoided. As I studied the really ugly chimp butts, then turned around and watched the assembled parenthood in their bored rut, I thought that they, like probably all the other parents here, sometimes, well, miss the depth of this experience. In the evening I watched the film «Up in the Air». In it, George Clooney plays a downsizing expert, the prototype of the committed unattached man who jets around the country, lives out of a suitcase and gives lectures on how much better life is without material and emotional baggage. Most of the women around him disapprove of his lifestyle. Except for businesswoman Alex, who celebrates the commitment-free life just as confidently and smartly as he does and with whom he begins a casual affair.

«Despite everything, there is nothing more fulfilling than having children.»

The film has a few nice moments. In one scene, Clooney has to persuade his future brother-in-law, who got cold feet the night before the wedding, to walk down the aisle after all. «I could see myself getting married, buying a house, having a child, then a second child, Christmas, Thanksgiving, graduation, grandchildren. I said to myself: that can't be it!» says the brother-in-law. And Clooney says: «You're right. But think about the most important moments in your life. How many of them were you alone in?» That's conciliatory. Of course, envy of the childless is rather childish. Because despite everything, there is nothing more fulfilling than having children. Even if you have to look at an ugly chimpanzee arse from time to time.
Tages-Anzeiger/Mamablog

About the author

Michèle Binswanger is a philosopher, journalist and author. She writes on social issues, is the mother of two children and lives in Basel. She writes regularly for the Swiss parents' magazine Fritz+Fränzi.
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