«Our son said that he no longer wants to live.»

Mother: My husband and I are very worried about our ten-year-old son. Do you have time for me?

Counsellor: Of course. I'm listening.

Mother: Over the past few months, our son has said several times that he no longer wants to live. A few days ago, he wrote a letter describing how he wants to die – by jumping off a bridge that is known as a suicide spot. This has really frightened us.

Counsellor: Your concern is entirely understandable. It is important that you take his comments seriously. How did you respond to the letter?

Mother: We contacted the emergency psychiatrist. He spoke to our son on the phone and offered us an appointment for the next day. However, our son refused to talk much – either on the phone or in person. But he said convincingly that he wouldn't really do it. Since then, he doesn't want to talk about it at all. He gets angry and shuts down when we bring up the subject. The psychiatrist said we could contact him again at any time, which we would do.

Counsellor: How are you feeling about it now?

Mother: We don't get the impression that he really wants to die. Most of the time he is cheerful, active and laughs a lot. He makes statements like that when he is under pressure at school and extremely frustrated.

Our son is very ambitious. Despite his best efforts, he is not always successful. This hits him hard.

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Counsellor: Can you tell me more about these difficult moments?

Mother: He is very ambitious. He really wants to go to grammar school – like his older brother, who is in the long-term grammar school programme. But unlike his brother or even his younger sister, who find school easy, he has to work extremely hard and still doesn't always succeed. That hits him hard.

Counsellor: Could it be that he compares himself to his siblings and feels that he is only lovable if he is equally successful?

Mother: Yes, that could well be. We never told him that he had to be good straight away or that he absolutely had to go to grammar school.

Counsellor: Children often develop such beliefs without their parents directly teaching them.

Mother : Yes, we are quite an academic family.

Counsellor: You said that your son is very active and often cheerful. What makes him happy? What is he good at?

Mother: He is passionate about football and is very involved in the Scouts. He has lots of friends and is well integrated socially.

Counsellor: That sounds wonderful. Show him how pleased you are with his commitment and achievements in these areas

Mother: Sometimes, yes. But probably less so than when he gets good grades. Now that you mention it, I realise how much we focus on his school performance. For example, he tells us we don't have to come to his football matches – he doesn't care. And because we both travel a lot for work, we rarely manage to go.

Perhaps his despair is most evident where he feels the pressure most strongly – at school.

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Counsellor: Could it be that he would secretly be pleased if you did come and showed him how much you care about him and how proud you are of him?

Mother: Yes, that could well be. He is extremely independent overall . Two days a week, he gets up all by himself because he has to go to school very early, and he makes his own breakfast. I think he's proud of that.

Counsellor: He should be – it's impressive what he can already do. And yet I think it's important that he feels that his parents enjoy looking after him and are interested in what moves him.

Mother: I'm getting teary-eyed, this is really moving me!

Counsellor: I can sense how much you love him – and how strong your desire is to support him.

Mother: Of all three children, he was always the one who wanted the least help.

Counsellor: And that is precisely what can lead to excessive demands. Perhaps his despair is most evident where he feels the pressure most strongly – at school. His letter was a clear cry for help.

Mother: Oh dear! What can we do to ease this pressure and support him better?

Counsellor: By showing him – directly and indirectly – that you love him just the way he is and that he doesn't have to do anything to earn your love.

Mother: How shall we do that?

Counsellor: What comes to mind?

Mother: We could tell him more often that it's okay if he gets bad marks sometimes. And that we will always love him, no matter how he does at school.

It's not about taking something away from him, but about spending time together.

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Counsellor: Exactly . And how else could you show him love and interest?

Mother: We could go to his matches more often, as a family or just the two of us, or even alone if someone else can't make it. And cheer him on there and show him how proud we are of him.

Counsellor: I have to smile when I imagine that. It sounds very nice. Do you have any other ideas for small gestures of love?

Mother: That's difficult for me. I'm not very good at it.

Counsellor: How about getting up with him on one of his first days at school? Perhaps you could say to him, «I'm already awake and would like to have breakfast with you.»

Mother: I think he would be pleased about that – even if he would probably still want to do everything himself.

Counsellor: That's fine too. It's not about taking something away from him, but about spending time together. Maybe he'll tell you something about the Scouts or football. You could just ask him.

Mother: That sounds lovely – spending time together as a couple.

Advisor: Yes, even brief, present moments can have a big impact.

Mother: I am so grateful for your ideas. Thank you very much!

Consultant: With pleasure – and you have already contributed some excellent initial ideas yourself.

Mother: You're right about that .

Counsellor: All the best. You can get in touch again anytime. Your husband too.

Mother: Thank you, that's good to know.

This protocol is a greatly abridged record of a lengthy consultation, reduced to the essentials. Our aim is to provide insight into our work and to give readers food for thought on similar issues.
Yvonne Müller, Co-Director of Elternnotruf