Our son is a show-off

As we develop from children to adults, we gradually learn to assess ourselves and our abilities more realistically. Young children are still barely able to do this: they like to use all kinds of superlatives to describe themselves and the people they like. Daddy is the biggest and strongest, mummy is the prettiest, their car is the fastest. I have to feel my four-year-old's biceps every day - usually after he has had a sip of fruit or vegetable juice, which are known to stimulate muscle growth tremendously. Meanwhile, my 20-month-old daughter joins me with a tense face and holds out her arm. My son then says: «She doesn't have many muscles yet - but we pretend so she'll be happy.»

Overconfidence prevents children from coming to terms with their weaknesses.

Over time, children become more aware of themselves and their environment. They realise that there are men who are taller and stronger than their own father. They realise that other children have something over them in certain areas, while they have strengths in other areas that make them stand out. At primary school age, many children go through a phase in which they compare themselves intensively with others. Who has the most friends? Who is the fastest, bravest, strongest? Who has the better grades? These comparisons, which often make us adults feel uncomfortable, help children to get to know themselves better, develop their abilities, accept themselves and find their own place in the group.

When showing off becomes a problem

While most children gradually manage to assess themselves more realistically, some children, but also teenagers and adults, have great difficulty with this. While some systematically underestimate themselves and keep themselves down, others tend to show off. They boast about their abilities, show off in the group by telling stories of their heroic deeds, or react with envy and resentment when others are the centre of attention. In our culture, especially in Switzerland, this behaviour is socially punished. Children who brag are criticised by adults
criticised by adults and are often shunned by other children. These reactions from those around them can become a problem because they can fuel the child's boastful behaviour. At the same time, overconfidence prevents children from coming to terms with their weaknesses, getting involved in practising and thus experiencing progress and success step by step. «I can do that already!», for example, is a common reaction to a parent's suggestion to prepare for an exam in a problem subject.

Children who constantly hear how great they are can develop into narcissists.

Studies have shown that it is often children who get on other children's nerves or have learning difficulties who are particularly overconfident. What's more, they do this in the very areas in which they have weaknesses. This finding suggests that showing off is a way for children to deal with threats to their self-esteem. But how can parents support their little show-offs? Various researchers have investigated this question. In one study, children were allowed to build a Lego structure together in pairs. They were then questioned several times separately about their performance and popularity with their play partner. The children who overestimated their performance and popularity were divided into two groups. One group was casually given positive feedback by the experimenter. He said: «I've just met the other boy in the next room and collected his questionnaire. He must have enjoyed playing with you and is looking forward to your second meeting. He seemed to think you were nice.»
The group of little show-offs who heard this feedback rated themselves more realistically in the next survey. A similar result was found in a study of children with dyslexia or dyscalculia. If they had to take a spelling test, they also overestimated their performance. And they were also able to assess themselves more realistically in the next round if the test supervisor said the following sentence to them: «I've just spoken to my colleague outside the door. I wasn't there for the test, but she said that you did well and that she enjoyed working with you.» When a child brags, we parents often want to bring them «back down to earth». However, as research shows, this can lead to children closing themselves off to feedback and - in order to protect themselves - putting on an even thicker layer.

Boasters must be accompanied

On the other hand, excessive praise can also reinforce boastfulness. Children who constantly hear how exceptional and great they are and are put on a pedestal by their parents can develop into narcissists. Interestingly, narcissism also hides an agonising insecurity. Narcissists are people with an unrealistically positive image of themselves. If they realise that this image does not correspond to reality, they feel threatened - and therefore react violently to criticism. Children find it easier to take on difficult tasks and face up to their weaknesses if they feel supported. The next time your child says: «I can do that already!», you could say, for example: «Yes, since we've been practising regularly, you've got much better.
much better. Let's see how far you get today.» Or: «Hm ... then you must have been paying attention at school. If you practise a little more, you'll be able to do it even faster.»
What parents of little show-offs need to know:

• Kinder, die zum Angeben neigen, fühlen sich durch schwierige Aufgaben bedroht. Konfrontiert man sie mit ihrer Schwäche, verschliessen sie sich und insistieren, dass sie schon alles können. 
• Je mehr Sie Ihr Kind auf kleine Fortschritte hinweisen und ihm vermitteln, dass es sich durch Übung verbessern kann, desto weniger bedrohlich wird die Aufgabe. Dadurch fällt es dem Kind leichter, sich richtig einzuschätzen und auf das Angeben zu verzichten. 
• Loben Sie Ihr Kind nicht übermässig. Je mehr Sie ihm dabei helfen, sich als Mensch mit Stärken und Schwächen anzunehmen, desto leichter wird es ihm fallen, auf die Angeberei zu verzichten.

To the author:

Fabian Grolimund is a psychologist and author («Learning with children»). In the «Parent coaching» section, he answers questions about everyday family life. The 37-year-old is married and father to a son, 4, and a daughter, 1. He lives with his family in Fribourg. www.mit-kindern-lernen.ch / www.biber-blog.com

Fabian Grolimund writes regularly for the Swiss parents' magazine Fritz+Fränzi. Interested in other exciting topics relating to parents, children and young people?
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