Only child? Two? Or even three?

As soon as the first child is born, people start asking for siblings. Michèle Binswanger wonders whether it makes sense to have more children.

Anyone who has a child is usually faced with the question of whether it should remain an only child sooner than they would like. From a sober point of view, there is little to be said for siblings, who only mean further restrictions across the board: even less time for career, self-realisation and fun, not to mention the fact that you need even more space, money and nerves. (Or you're already too old, a single parent or not in good health). These are good reasons. But there are even better reasons in favour of having at least a second child.

Of course, more children also mean more work. What's more, the decision to have a second child usually comes just when you've just finished breastfeeding, slept through the night for the first time in months and settled into the general baby chaos. When the second arrives, it has fundamentally different starting conditions. While the first-borns are gently laid down by all the angels of heaven with the greatest care on the delicate flower bed of the first parental love, the second-borns land, ejected by a bomber pilot, on the battlefield of an already existing family. Then it's like: Oh, it's nice that you're here. But now let's go into battle. Surprisingly, this seems to be the perfect preparation for later life.

Only children often seem like particularly high-maintenance pets.

When I asked myself about having a second child, a friend warned me that there is nothing more boring than a one-child family. At the time, I had no idea what he meant. I still don't know exactly what «bourgeois» means. Nevertheless, I don't envy the parents of only children one bit. And even less so the only child, who often seems like a particularly exotic and high-maintenance pet in such constellations.

Of course, what being an only child means for a child itself depends on many factors. The preconception is that they are more selfish, less well-adjusted, precocious, adult-orientated and spoilt.

There is evidence that only children grow up more often in less stable families and tend to have fewer friends and acquaintances as adults than children from larger families. What is certain is that they are born with a certain narcissism because their status in the family is never fundamentally relativised. Their position is always either too strong or too weak: the third wheel on the bicycle, provided the partnership is alive, and where this is not the case, the child all too often serves as an emotional lightning rod.

From my completely unscientific point of view, I can only recommend the time, financial and emotional investment in a second child. Not only for the benefit of the child, but also for your own. Because if you want to enable the only child to develop in a «species-appropriate» way, further investment is needed anyway: Friendships with other children need to be cultivated, social skills trained. And of course this is all the responsibility of the adults.

I, for one, am happy that I canleave the children's world to my children. And celebrate the adult world with my husband (who was an only child, by the way).

Online dossier siblings

About the author
Michèle Binswanger is a philosopher, journalist and author. She writes on social issues, is the mother of two children and lives in Basel.

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