Now it's about YOU! Make this clear to your children

The mother has three big boys aged 14, 16 and 19. Her problem is that the younger two boys in particular have very bad habits when it comes to their evening routine. As the mother works shifts and therefore irregular hours, she is at home at different times. She cannot control her boys' activities, for example when they go to bed and get up in the morning. The rules that are set are not respected. This often results in the children not going to school or being late. The mother knows that this is also a general problem at this age, but that is no consolation. It pushes everyone's limits, both physically and mentally.
The mother is divorced and the relationship with the boys' father is poor. The father bombards the mother with criticism and accuses her of behaving inappropriately. Because the mother has insisted that the children live with her after the divorce, the father refuses to accept any responsibility. Recently, the mother has become increasingly distressed when she is at home in the morning and tries to wake the boys up and send them to school. This is both degrading and exhausting, she reports. She also thinks that her ex-husband is right to criticise her. She thinks that the boys are actually old enough to take responsibility themselves, but her mother finds it difficult to let go. She is absolutely helpless.

The mother had the same problem with her eldest son, 19. He only just made it through his A-levels, and only because of his mother's enormous efforts. The fear that it will be the same with the other two is great.
Computer games and television make things all the more difficult. Both steal a large part of the boys' daily lives and keep them from doing their homework, for example. The mother has thought about whether it makes sense to change their lives completely, for example to ban television for a while.

Mum feels completely exhausted at the moment. The more tired she gets, the more difficult it becomes to think about a solution. Her question to Jesper Juul is: «How much responsibility should I take on and how much responsibility can the children already take on?»

Jesper Juul answers the mother directly:

I understand that you are exhausted, would prefer to hide away and only want to come out again when your children are grown up. But that's not possible. Your only option is to seek professional help quickly - be it from a public organisation or a private family therapist.

Your children are behaving irresponsibly and are used to you catering to them. The eldest child is your ex-husband. Someone should confront him with the question of whether he can contribute anything constructive to the current situation. Ideally, all family members should take part in the discussions.

As things stand at the moment, and as they have been for some time, your sons are what I call «de facto orphans». Which means that the mother and father have neither the ability, the desire nor the energy to give the children what they need. In your case: a benefit, an overview, guidance and a meaningful role model. It is the responsibility of the adults to take responsibility for how the situation has developed and it would therefore be very unfair to penalise the children for this. The irresponsibility of the children is merely a symptom that they are showing.

You have given, given and given - and now you are empty.

As a reader of my columns, you know that I am not a fan of apportioning blame. There are many reasons why your family situation is not pleasant for any member at the moment. The way you describe your own feelings as a mum, you are desperate, exhausted and powerless. This has developed over many years, and if I am not mistaken, it is because you have not taken good enough care of yourself.

You have ignored your own needs, your values, your boundaries and your feelings. You have given and given and now you are empty. If you now also have an ex-husband who constantly disregards your boundaries and constantly violates them, it's time for you to set priorities. These are yourself and your health. Not at the expense of the boys, but because of their need for credible adult leadership.

Your sons can't look after you and in this chaotic and unclear situation they can't look after themselves either. They are experiencing a mother without authority and a father who is setting a bad example. That's why now is not the right time to give you age-appropriate responsibility. It is high time for you, as a woman and mother, to take a closer look at all the responsibilities you have taken on over the years and decide for yourself first.

It is very important that you seek outside help so that you can talk to your children about how everyone feels. You need to make it clear to your children that you need to take care of yourself now. Some form of communication is needed so that your family recognises that you really mean it. Without this help, your sons will only feel more guilty and will develop more self-destructive traits.

I believe that children can help their parents to develop personally, just as parents do for their children. As a woman, you have developed the classic behaviour of a woman who loses self-worth through her unconditional love, self-sacrifice, increased resilience and constant availability. This pattern is very often observed in young women. Later, however, they are treated badly, and I think that was also one of the reasons for your divorce.

Now you have to show yourself and your sons that you are unyielding. It is your chance to grow as a wife, as a mother and as a person. The good news is that your sons will benefit once you start. It will still be possible for you to create a loving and nurturing relationship with each other.

Family therapist Jesper Juul writes a column for every issue of the parents' magazine Fritz+Fränzi. Would you like to read it regularly? Then subscribe to our magazine now.

About the author:
Jesper Juul is a family therapist and author of numerous international bestsellers on the subject of parenting and families. Born in Denmark in 1948, he went to sea after leaving school and later worked as a concrete labourer, dishwasher and bartender. After training as a teacher, he worked as a home educator and social worker and trained as a family therapist with Walter Kempler in the Netherlands and the USA. Since 2012, Juul has suffered from an inflammation of the spinal fluid and is in a wheelchair. Jesper Juul has an adult son from his first marriage and is divorced from his second marriage.
Jesper Juul's columns are produced in collaboration with familylab.ch