Noah doesn't feel comfortable at school

A particularly responsible mum with three children, Tobias, 10, Ronja, 8, and Noah, 7, writes about how busy she is about her son Noah starting school. Her son finds it difficult to go to school. Every morning it's a struggle for him to get ready for school. Noah is really sad and distressed that he no longer has so much time to play. The demands of school make him very insecure. His mum wonders what is behind this aversion to school and is unsettled herself. It makes her sad that her son is feeling this way. Noah has already said that he wants to die. His siblings have always seen starting school as something positive. His mother asks Jesper Juul for his thoughts.

Jesper Juul answers:

You share this fate with many parents. For parents, the transition of their children to school is often dramatic and they are looking for a constructive way to deal with the new situation. Your lines lead me to believe that you look after loved ones in a very caring and considerate way. (...) But now to Noah: he is a boy who is probably developing a little slower than his siblings. This makes him a victim of maternal protection and accountability. And now he has serious problems going to school. Which is enough to keep both mum and dad awake at night. Even if it sounds a bit cruel now, you should be aware of Noah's two big problems: The first is that he doesn't like going to school. The second is that his self-image can very quickly become distorted because he is constantly comparing himself to his siblings. In addition, his feelings hurt those of his mum, which is probably the last thing he wants.

«It's not about a boy who doesn't like his teacher, but about a child who is overwhelmed by the reality of school.»

That is why he thinks that life is not worth living. However, this does not mean that he is planning suicide, but only that he cannot stand his life as it is now. This is not strange or unusual for children. Noah knows that he has to go to school. And it's unimaginable for him at the moment to put up with it for the next ten years or more. (...) The ideal way to find a solution may seem completely unrealistic in the current school system, but I'll mention it anyway: talk to Noah's class teacher and ask her to come to your home. Noah's experiences at school are so negative that he hardly notices what the teacher says to him at school. What's more, a home visit is in the interests of everyone involved: if you can persuade the teacher to invest an hour of her time in a home visit, she will save herself many hours of conflict, explanations and discussions in the years to come. This is not about a boy who doesn't like his teacher, but about a child who is overwhelmed by the reality of school itself. Nevertheless, the two «main parties» in this conflict are Noah himself and the school. The teacher personifies the school for Noah.

«Parents should stand apart from their child and offer them their life experience.»

I would therefore advise the teacher to start the conversation as follows: «Noah, your mum thinks it's really hard for you to go to school. That makes us sad. Because we want the children to have fun at school and find it exciting. But it seems that's not the case for you. I'm sure your mum has already told you that all children have to go to school, whether they want to or not. I'm here today to show you that I want to do everything I can to help you. Maybe if we talk to each other, we can find out how you can help me and the other teachers.»
In this way, the teacher can take the initiative on behalf of the school to help Noah. In this way, Noah can establish a connection to the school that he cannot establish on his own. As parents, you have only been able to talk to him about school in the abstract. Of course, the teacher may reject this approach as unusual or difficult. Which would be a shame, because the school would miss an opportunity in this family's life to make a constructive contribution to their future.

«Remember that your son is in crisis now and therefore doesn't have a clear view.»

In this way, the teacher can take the initiative on behalf of the school to help Noah. In this way, Noah can establish a connection to school that he cannot build up on his own. As parents, you have only been able to talk to him about school in the abstract. Of course, the teacher may reject this approach as unusual or difficult. Which would be a shame, because the school would miss an opportunity in this family's life to make a constructive contribution to their future.
Let's be optimistic: let's imagine that Noah has teachers who can think pedagogically and are therefore prepared to meet Noah where he is at the moment. This does not mean that the problem will go away. You and your husband now have the important task of finding the balance between empathy and compassion and the reality of life. Noah needs your commitment and interest to support him. It will probably take several weeks or months before Noah can articulate and talk about what is so hard for him at school. Remember that your son is in crisis now and therefore does not have a clear view. He needs time and lots of breaks away from school where he can just play.

«As parents, you should accompany Noah and not try to prevent his crises.»

It's important that both you and your husband don't walk around with a worried face all the time. Because if you do, you are taking over the scene (because Noah, like all children, wants to co-operate) and leaving him alone with the scenario and outlook for the future that he needs to take control of his own life and be responsible for his parents' well-being. Does that sound difficult? It is! Finally, I would like to point out that the time ahead is not just about Noah finding his way around school, but also about how he builds up and develops his life skills and his individual way of coping with future life crises. He definitely can't learn this at school, but only at home and together with you. To do this, you need to be aware of your own role: It should be to stand aside and offer him your life experience, to accompany him. You should not try to prevent his crises. (...)
Jesper Juul's columns are produced in collaboration with familylab.ch

To the author:

Jesper Juul is a family therapist and author of numerous international bestsellers on the subject of parenting and families. Born in Denmark in 1948, he went to sea after leaving school and later worked as a concrete labourer, dishwasher and bartender. After training as a teacher, he worked as a home educator and social worker and trained as a family therapist with Walter Kempler in the Netherlands and the USA. Since 2012, Juul has suffered from an inflammation of the spinal fluid and is in a wheelchair. Jesper Juul has an adult son from his first marriage and is divorced from his second marriage.