«No one can be empathetic from morning to night»

Mrs Brantschen, how closely are communication and relationships linked?

Extremely strong! They interact with each other. This type of communication is a living relationship, it is much more than just conveying factual information. It always provides additional information about how the other person feels and what they think.

Conversely, this also means that the existing relationship influences how something is understood or categorised. For example, if I say to my child: «Your room is a bit messy», this can be interpreted in different ways. Is it criticism, a request or an offer to help him tidy up? The same sentence can trigger different things.

What helps us to understand each other better?

In the stress of everyday life, we often don't listen properly, especially when we know the other person well. It is always important to listen carefully and, as parents, not to have a preconceived opinion of your own child. Listening attentively sends the message: «You are important.» This makes the other person open to successful communication.

Can you give an example?

Many parents complain that their child dawdles in the morning when they have to get ready for school. It's important to ask yourself: What does it tell me about my child and their needs if they simply can't hurry to get dressed in the morning? Perhaps there is something at school that is stressing them out, or perhaps they simply want a slower start to the day and it helps to get up a little earlier to have more «start-up time». A brief pause is often helpful at this point, especially in situations that can provoke conflict. When communication is based on empathy, it is often much more effective for both sides.

So should parents respond to their children's wishes more often?

Attention! Good communication does not mean bringing in a tyrant who gives orders. In this respect, the needs-orientated parenting model is often misrepresented or misunderstood. Rather, it is about showing appreciation for the feelings and thoughts of others. This appreciation, in turn, is important for the formation of the self and benefits the relationship. Whether the wishes can be fulfilled is a completely different question.

Children learn a lot when parents make mistakes and talk about them.

That all sounds very good, but unfortunately there isn't always time for it in our hectic everyday lives.

Of course, this doesn't always work. But communication is not simply a technique that needs to be implemented. No human being is a machine that can show empathy from morning to night. Rather, it is important that the child realises: the caregiver is genuinely interested in my well-being and is aware of my needs without immediately judging them. This is in stark contrast to the «hierarchy bonus», which may have a short-term effect but is not conducive to the relationship. The supposed feeling of «having the children under control» means that they often don't feel taken seriously. Incidentally, this is a point that then falls back on the parents in adolescence during the development of autonomy.

The parental attitude of taking the child seriously and respecting them as an independent person is therefore crucial for a good relationship and successful communication. That also includes the occasional failure, doesn't it?

Children learn a lot when parents make mistakes and can talk about them. This also applies to communication. «Now I've got loud, I'm sorry, I didn't sleep well last night and I'm a bit thin-skinned now.» With such explanations, children can understand - in an age-appropriate way, of course - why the parent communicated in this way.

What else do such verbal explanations achieve?

Children can classify the behaviour of their caregivers and don't have to take it personally. This has a positive effect on the relationship and also promotes their own ability to empathise. Naming their own mood often puts things that are not right into perspective and turns them into something positive. At the same time, children learn that life is not always easy and that mistakes happen. And that you can learn from them.

A belief that can have a strong impact on the rest of your life. Should children also be encouraged more often?

Encouragement in itself can of course be helpful. However, there are times when conscious encouragement, an affirmation, is not useful at all. If I keep telling a child with ADHD: «You can do it!» when they're sitting in front of a sheet of paper and it's just not working, that's not helpful. But that's not a positive belief either.

There is no absolute right and no absolute wrong as long as there is appreciation for one another.

To what extent do parental values and attitudes also affect relationships in a family?

They run through the various developmental stages of the children and are adapted accordingly in communication. Communication and relationships are always dynamic and are underpinned by attitudes and values. They are emphasised differently depending on the developmental phase. Different needs are prioritised in childhood than in adolescence, which also changes the type of communication.

So communication within the family should be constantly adapted so that the relationship remains positive?

Of course, you should communicate differently with a teenager than with a first-grader, but the key point is: there is no absolute right and no absolute wrong as long as there is appreciation for each other. No podcast or parenting guide will help if this is lacking.

Good communication also has different levels in the couple-parent-child relationship. The cohesion and relationship that can be cultivated through good communication brings with it an enormously supportive aspect.

How does this affect the family?

The family is more than the sum of its individual members. A sense of togetherness within the family can be very identity-forming, has an effect on the family's «immune system» and makes it more resilient in crises. Good convictions and beliefs, the ability to empathise, to steer things in a positive direction, are passed down through the generations. Imagine the effect this has on society!