No more rigid roles - listen!

What is the difference between «playing a role» and «being present for your child»? The best example I can give is: an eight-year-old child comes home from school and you realise that something is wrong and ask: «What's wrong?» - «Nothing!» - «But you don't look happy! Has something happened?» - «No, it's not important!» - «Why don't you tell me? I can see something's wrong!» - «Well, my teacher was so unfair today. Someone did this and that and he punished me for it.»

Even if parents have been present up to this point, most stop listening at this moment. They start acting and jump into the role of parent: «Well, then you must have done something wrong too!» So why should this child confide in you again if you can't listen to them with empathy to the end ? Nobody is asking you to take sides, but you have to be there for the child first - you have to listen to the whole story. And it doesn't matter what the objective facts were that led to this conflict: What matters is that the child is very unhappy.

Why do we hide behind the role ego?

Most parents cut off the dialogue before it has even really started because they are no longer present but have activated their role ego. They are afraid of losing the lead. When we are personal, we are extremely vulnerable. So we prefer to protect ourselves in good time, but at the expense of others - in this case, the child. We prefer to hurt the child: it is guilty, it has certainly done something wrong! And we hide behind our role, the supposed leadership, but demand that they continue to tell the truth - it's an unfair game.

What parents are expressing with their attitude is that it is much more important to them to prove what «good parents» they are than to get in touch with their child. They are absorbed by themselves and not really focused on relationship and dialogue.

Women in particular should know how painful it is to open up and not be heard.

It's exhausting to constantly think about how best to play the role of the mother. What surprises me is that women in particular play this game, because they should know how painful it is when you open up and the other person doesn't even listen to you because they're already trying to find solutions to your problem - which is exactly what men do all the time.

Women don't tell their problem because they need a big brother or father to tell them what to do. They usually find the solution themselves. It's just that men don't realise that a good part of the solution is talking about it. So women hope that if they tell their husband, parents or friends what is bothering them at the moment, they will find a way out for themselves. That's what most women do!

Men trapped in inner dialogue

Many men, on the other hand, do exactly the opposite: they just think - and then usually come up with a stupid suggestion, because they only rely on their inner dialogue - and unfortunately that is not very enriching. They'd rather go round in circles than learn something from their wives.

For example: when my father died, I didn't want anyone around me, but of course that wasn't possible. All my relatives and friends came. And it was very helpful for my mother, because by telling every newcomer the same story, she gradually actually realised that her husband was dead. If she had been alone, this grieving process would have been much more difficult and she might not have got over it so easily. In this respect,women have more wisdom - and yet they are just as unwise as men. When it comes to their children, they are also unable to listen.

A dialogue helps parents to set boundaries

After all, when I point out to women what they enact with their child every time, they immediately know what I mean. They have the practice - they have already felt what their child feels often enough. This makes it easier for them to change in relation to their child. It's difficult for most men; it would be so helpful if they could say: «Listen, I love you, I'd like to talk to you, but I don't know how ... Teach me!» Instead, they say: «There's nothing to say!» And because they are used to being lonely, they don't even recognise conflicts in their marriage.

Dialogue can also be used to set boundaries. A typical example: A family with two children, a girl and a boy. The father wants them to be home by 9 pm. But they arrive at 11 pm. The father: «What happened? What were you thinking when you realised what time it was? What was so important that you forgot the time?» Once he knows all this, he says: «Now I know you weren't trying to fool me, but from now on I want you to always be home at 9 pm, no matter what might be more important to you!» This father has listened to the children and taken their experiences seriously, so it won't be difficult for the children to accept his rule, even if they grumble a little. In the end, they say: Okay!

Children cannot be reached without personal dialogue.

But if you say as a father: «We have agreed on a rule, and a rule is a rule. You have to follow them!», then you are speaking impersonally and referring to something external. The children will also say «Okay!», but they will think to themselves: «Go get the devil! If there are only rules in this family, then I'll do what I want!» And then they make themselves immune to you, they look over you as if you no longer exist: You can no longer reach out to them. They are also no longer vulnerable: you can criticise and punish them as much as you like, they don't care. - However, with a personal dialogue in which you say: «I do», you can reach children, you can even set boundaries - and they will accept them.

This text is taken from the book «We are here for you. 10 tips for authentic parents» by Jesper Juul. Published in 2005 by Kreuz Verlag. The book is out of print.

Jesper Juul (1948 - 2019)

Take your child seriously - treat them with respect. Children don't need boundaries - they need relationships. Parents don't need to be consistent - they need to be credible.

The Danish family therapist Jesper Juul has shaped people like no other in recent decades with his parenting and relationship principles.

The founder of familylab, a counselling network for families, and author of over 40 books («Dein kompetentes Kind», «Aus Erziehung wird Beziehung») died on 25 July at the age of 71 after a long illness in Odder, Denmark. He was married twice and is survived by a son from his first marriage and two grandchildren.

Jesper Juul's columns are written in collaboration with familylab.ch

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