My child is not lying to me!

Gianluca comes home in tears at lunchtime. On the way home, his kindergarten mate Manuel has broken his handicraft work. After a scuffle, the work fell to the floor and Manuel stood on it. Gianluca is very sad about this. On the one hand, Manuel is actually his friend, and on the other, he wanted to show his parents and siblings at home the handicraft work that he enjoys so much. Now it's broken and he has a fight with Manuel.

It's not the first time the two have had an argument. It is difficult for Gianluca's parents to comfort their boy. He always takes conflicts to heart and - as his parents would put it - always endeavours to maintain a good relationship. Manuel is physically superior, which in the eyes of Gianluca's parents is exploited in the event of conflict and means that Gianluca always seems to get the short end of the stick.

Conflicts are necessary

Conflicts are part of life, they are part of learning and it is important that children find a way to deal with them. As a parent, you identify with your own child's accounts, which is absolutely fine and normal. It's all too easy to give in to the reflex and assume something between indifference and malice on the part of the other child.
From Manuel's point of view, things are very different: Gianluca is much better at painting and crafting than he is - or so he thinks. But Gianluca is often clumsy with his gross motor skills, as when he carried his beautiful handicraft work home. When they were fooling around together, he tripped. The handicraft fell right at Manuel's feet. It was no longer possible to avoid it and it had already happened. Manuel didn't tell anyone about it at home. It bothers him that Gianluca ran home crying. He doesn't want his friend to be sad, but doesn't know how he could have reacted.
At the progress meeting at school, Gianluca's parents tell the kindergarten teacher about what happened with the handicraft work and that it was far from the first time that Gianluca had to cry because of Manuel. They ask the teacher to do something about it. She explains her view to the parents and that Gianluca sometimes brags about his creative skills, which is absolutely age-appropriate, but could possibly lead to envy in Manuel. This is also only one possible explanation for Manuel's behaviour and in no way an excuse.
Stories play out in this or similar ways and express the fact that all the people involved have different motives and perspectives on the events. Everyone has their own perception. You probably know examples from your own everyday life where even two people standing next to each other and observing the same scene do not arrive at the same interpretation.

Parents identify with
their own child's point of view - and are all too happy to accuse others of indifference or malice.

Parents have often replied to me in similar situations: «My child isn't lying to me!» when I have pointed out that the story was told in a slightly different way by the other child involved or by the teacher. And I agree. Perhaps they are sometimes lying, but they certainly perceive things individually and individually, which leads to different narratives. What sounds so banal unfortunately tends to get lost in everyday life and personal involvement.
From my own experience, I know only too well that it's not always easy when your child is in tears at the lunch table when you tell them about the fights at nursery or on the way to school. The possible stress at work or the burnt lunch don't make it any easier.
At the end of the day, it is not important for children's conflict learning what happened and how. It's not about the question of guilt. Rather, conflict resolution is aimed at what is yet to come.

Together instead of against each other

It is important that we listen to the children and offer them comfort if necessary. And perhaps we can have a preventative effect by discussing with the children how an argument can be prevented or how to recognise that another child is sad or angry. How can we deal with each other when we disagree? What have I contributed to us getting into an argument? And if the damage has already been done, we can think together about how we can make amends or how best to apologise.

We are also happy to trust that the children are able to resolve their conflicts themselves.

We can also trust that the children are able to resolve their conflicts themselves. Younger children in particular sometimes simply stop arguing, shake hands or get out of the way.
This is exactly how we work with the children at school, and we rely on the support and help of the parents. It is the joint task of parents and school to educate the children and make them strong.

Children and conflict: Read more on the topic

• Why children argue every 20 minutes
  Children like to argue a lot. How should parents deal with the little fighting cocks? How much arguing is normal? And when is it appropriate to intervene?

• Mr Juul, why is conflict important?
  The family therapist reveals the most common misbehaviours in conflict situations between parents and children...

• Put up with the argument!
  Digital media always leads to endless debates. Find out why this is a good thing.