My child is a perfectionist

Natalie is beaming all over her face. «You're in a good mood today! What's going on?» Nathalie looks at her mum with a broad grin: «We got the geography exam back.» Now a well-orchestrated game begins: her mum starts counting up from a grade 4: «A four? A four and a half? A five?» Her mum looks more and more astonished, while Natalie shakes her head in amusement each time. «But not a six?» her mum marvels. «Yes, it is!» Her mum takes her in her arms: «But you thought it had gone so badly. And now such an amazing grade! You should be proud of yourself.»

Scenes like this happen regularly. The mum is very relieved when her daughter comes home with an F - when she gets a F, sometimes even a 5.5, Natalie is devastated. She is then plagued by self-doubt and feelings of guilt and shame. Then everything is «bad» and «embarrassing», then she asks how she «could have made such a stupid mistake».
Her mum feels like she is tilting at windmills when Natalie devalues herself, calls herself stupid, cries because she «can't do anything» and calls herself a «stupid nut». Every time she hears «but that's good!» and «others would be happy if they had such good grades», Natalie gets angrier. Good is not good enough for her. It has to be perfect.
Natalie looks for praise and recognition, but can hardly accept it. She is always looking for the «but» behind it. She has a keen ear for the smallest critical comments and feels devalued and rejected even when well-intentioned suggestions for improvement are made.
Natalie is a perfectionist - and she and those around her struggle with this.

Not every form of perfectionism is problematic

Parents often worry when their child has a perfectionist tendency. However, research shows that not every form of perfectionism is problematic.

Self-orientated perfectionists make their value almost exclusively dependent on the evaluation of other people.

Perfectionists have high inner standards. They strive for good results and are prepared to invest a lot of time and energy to achieve them.
The «healthy» form is described as self-orientated perfectionism. These people set high goals for themselves and work with commitment and enthusiasm to constantly improve. They can deal with failure and learn from mistakes.
Socially orientated perfectionists, on the other hand, suffer from their urge for perfection. They do not set themselves goals - they feel pressurised by the (supposedly) high expectations of others. They believe they have to be perfect in order to please others and be lovable. They make their value as a person almost exclusively dependent on the judgement of others. Sometimes they are so blocked by fears and worries that they can hardly work. Their thoughts revolve around a possible loss of face and the fear that others might be disappointed, think badly of them or turn away from them if they don't perform at their best.
Children like Natalie identify so strongly with their performance that failure feels like the rug is being pulled out from under their feet.

The urge for perfection makes parents and teachers helpless

Parents and teachers are often at a loss as to how to respond to perfectionist children. They usually try to boost the child's self-confidence by pointing out their previous successes, encouraging them when they achieve good grades («Wow! I knew you could do it!») and pointing out the strong points when they perform less well.
However, parents and teachers soon get the feeling that all the praise and encouragement is not falling on fertile ground. It feels like filling a bottomless pit. After a brief moment of joy or relief, the recognition dries up and in the long term only seems to lead to the child needing more and more of it in order to feel relieved for a short time. The self-doubt returns immediately.
Attempts to boost the self-confidence of perfectionist children often exacerbate the problem. This is because every recognition for good performance and every conversation about exams, grades, strengths and successes indirectly and unconsciously conveys to them that life is about performance and success. Every reassurance that the child is «good», that it has «done something great», signals to the child that its value as a person depends on its performance.

Words like bad and right play an important role

In the mental universe of children like Natalie, words like good and bad, right and wrong play too important a role. They are constantly measuring themselves and critically scrutinising their performance. As a parent or teacher, you can support perfectionist children by paying much less attention to the topic of performance overall.
People like Natalie place immense importance on the result and hardly identify with the subject or the work process. They are concerned with making a nice drawing, getting a good mark, winning the competition. The joy of drawing, the interest in the subject matter, being together with others during training hardly count.

If they fail, you could ask the child what would be good for them now instead of talking about the exam.

As a parent or teacher, you can help perfectionist children to become more aware of these dimensions by emphasising these aspects. Instead of saying that the drawing is beautiful, you could ask the child about the technique used or talk to them about why this motif appealed to them. Instead of marvelling at your child's essay grade, you could read the essay and talk to them about the subject. If they fail, you could ask them what would be good for them now and do something with them instead of talking about the exam. In this way, you are signalling to them that we can have a good time together and experience something nice even if not everything is going well on the «performance level» at the moment.

The child will resist, ask for recognition

If you pay more attention to these aspects, you must be prepared for resistance at first. Perfectionist children become instantly insecure when the recognition for good performance is weaker. For example, if you talk about what the child's drawing triggers in you and ask them questions about how they have achieved certain effects, the child will ask: «Yes, but do you think it's beautiful!» Children like Natalie need time to engage in these conversations and become more aware of what they like and are interested in.

To the author:

Fabian Grolimund is a psychologist and author («Learning with children»). In the «Parent coaching» section, he answers questions about everyday family life. The 37-year-old is married and father to a son, 4, and a daughter, 1. He lives with his family in Fribourg. www.mit-kindern-lernen.ch / www.biber-blog.com
Fabian Grolimund writes regularly for the Swiss parents' magazine Fritz+Fränzi. Interested in other exciting topics relating to parents, children and young people?
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