My child is a minimalist!

When talking to parents and young people about minimalism, I have repeatedly come across some patterns. By no means do I want to claim that these patterns apply to every child - but because they are exciting and perhaps give you as much food for thought as they do me, I would like to share them with you. But first a conciliatory word on this topic.

A phase of laziness should be possible from time to time

I have noticed that parents and teachers draw strong conclusions about the character and future of a child or young person based on their current behaviour. Along the lines of: «If this goes on, I can't see the future!»
Quite often, however, things don't go on like this. Many children who are strong at school are minimalists at primary school, but become more diligent as soon as the demands increase. Others are interested in everything but school during puberty and have a slump for a year or two. In their apprenticeship, at university or even in their thirties, they suddenly go full throttle.
Others are hard-working, performance-orientated and shine with good grades throughout school - and then experience a complete slump. Some of them are so fed up with the constant pressure after school that they can't progress at university, have to «catch up on life» in a rather unhealthy way or can't find their way in professional life.

My advice would therefore be to look at the situation with more distance. Ask yourself how significant the current slump is for your child's life as a whole. Sometimes you will come to the conclusion that it would be really important for your child to make an effort right now - for example, because they have their final apprenticeship exams coming up and have to apply for a job with this certificate. Then it's important to talk to your child. In other cases, you will realise that your child can have a momentary lapse without having to fear serious consequences.
However, if your child is unwilling to make an effort over a longer period of time, it is worth taking a closer look. Perhaps his behaviour has something to do with you.

As long as you do little, there is at least the possibility of passing as a genius...

Mindset of a minimalist

• «Du könntest viel mehr, wenn du nur wolltest!» 
• «Er hat so viel Potenzial!»
• «Sie hat es halt auch nicht nötig, zu lernen.»

I hear statements like this from parents again and again when they talk about their little minimalist. You can often hear that the parents attach great importance to talent and intelligence. There is almost always a hint of pride when they talk about how «lazy» their child is and yet still brings home good grades.

The view that the child could do much more if it only wanted to puts the child in a difficult position: it can lose a lot if it tries harder. But what if they don't become the expected high-flyer? The more important the child's potential is to the parents, the more threatening it becomes to realise it. It's as if the children think: better lazy and brilliant than hard-working and stupid.

As long as you do little, there is at least the possibility of being a genius. But what if you have worked really hard and still don't excel? A student with a procrastination problem once told me: «I only ever give half my effort - then I can tell myself that I could have done much more if I had wanted to.»
Psychological research has confirmed this problem several times: If children were praised for trying hard or practising a lot, they tried harder. If they were told how intelligent or talented they were, they were subsequently less willing to make an effort.
The more you make your child understand that skills grow through practice and training, the less they will feel threatened by failure and the more relaxed they will be about learning and practising.

«My parents have no life at all - I don't want to be like that!»

Work and performance are very important to some parents. They are extremely successful in their careers. But they pay a price for this, coming home late and spending a large part of the weekend working. It is not uncommon for them to have children who are just as hard-working at first, but who become underachievers as teenagers.

When talking to young people - or even adults whose parents have focussed almost exclusively on their jobs - I've often heard people say things like «My parents don't have a life!» or «My father never had time for us, he only ever cared about his work!». These young people often say to themselves: «I'll never be like that!»
What follows, however, is often not a happy medium, but a clear rejection of their parents' path.

If you see yourself and your child in this description: see your child's behaviour as a mirror. Perhaps you have previously said to your teenager: «You need to wake up and learn what it means to be an adult.» It would at least be worth considering whether you really want and need to be this kind of adult - or whether it wouldn't be nice if your child took a leaf out of your book and you took a leaf out of theirs. If you take the first step, it will be easier for your child to take a step towards you.

The more you succeed in showing your child that work is fulfilling, that you enjoy working and that other important areas of life should not be neglected because of work, the less you will have to worry about your child becoming an underachiever.

How are children supposed to succeed in a system that their parents despise?

In addition to parents who are very performance-orientated, parents also complain about the minimalism of their children, who themselves demand very little and feel that the pressure at school is inappropriate. Complaining that «children are no longer allowed to be children these days!», constantly criticising the school and at the same time demanding that the child makes an effort simply doesn't fit together for the child. It is difficult for children to succeed in a system that their parents despise.

One solution could be to find a school for the child that is more in line with their own expectations. Another is to critically scrutinise their own ideas and to take more notice of the positive aspects of the school and the child's teacher.

To the author:

Fabian Grolimund is a psychologist and author («Learning with children»). In the «Parent coaching» section, he answers questions about everyday family life. The 36-year-old is married and father to a son, 3, and a daughter, 11 months. He lives with his family in Fribourg. www.mit-kindern-lernen.ch / www.biber-blog.com
Fabian Grolimund writes regularly for the Swiss parents' magazine Fritz+Fränzi. Interested in other exciting topics relating to parents, children and young people?
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