Mums Facebook groups: Not alone, but online
It's not a rare sight in Switzerland: a new mum sitting at home alone with a baby and lots of new questions. «Is this rash normal?», «Why is the little one crying all the time?», and then when the child is older: «How do I solve this maths problem?», «How do I get my teenager off his mobile phone?» or simply «It's raining! What should we do with this day?».
Some of these questions are urgent. You can't wait until you meet a mum with children of a similar age. Facebook groups like Basel Mums 2.0 exist precisely for situations like this, as their founder explains. It's not just one mum who answers the questions, there are around 3800 experienced mums on hand. «We're better than Google,» claims Sandra Hofstetter and explains: «With us, mums get an answer to every question. And we bring our cumulative experience to the table.»
The 36-year-old founded the most active regional Facebook group for parents in Switzerland (see box below) seven years ago. Today, the group is run by five administrators. Each of them puts one to two hours of work into this voluntary task every day - often in addition to working and bringing up children.
Photo: The picture shows Sandra Hofstetter (left) and Nicole Thomann with the Basel Mums 2.0 pin
Better than Google: Mums get an answer to every question, and with a wealth of experience.
The administrators are supposed to call the women back to order if the tone in the group gets too rough. With over 50 new posts per day and even more comments, that's a lot of work. But the admins know which topics they need to be particularly careful with and really have to read every comment.
Vaccination and breastfeeding, for example, are typical hot topics where «catfights» tend to break out, as Sandra Hofstetter says. But also when it comes to questions about when you should give up the dummy (and whether you should have one at all) and whether small children are allowed to go to the carnival - and if so, with which ear defenders. «Emotions run high because everyone has an opinion and thinks it's the only right one and then becomes insulting towards the other mums,» says Hofstetter.
Don't ask here! Go to the doctor!
The administrators also intervene if a topic does not fit into the group, for example if it becomes too medical. «We also have doctors and psychologists in our group, but all the other women give well-intentioned advice that sometimes makes things worse,» reports Hofstetter. One example: a mum posted a picture of her child's rash. «The other mums drove her completely crazy, one even said it could be leukaemia!» Since then, the Basel mums' group rules have stated: Don't ask for medical advice here, go to the doctor!
Bitch wars and getting into each other's problems are only one side of the coin. The other side - and probably also the reason why so many mums are so attached to the group - is the unusually great willingness of the women to help each other. For her master's thesis, media scientist Sarah Bizzarri spent six months analysing communication in the Facebook group and interviewing members and administrators. Her research focussed on the question of the extent to which the mothers form a community that goes beyond a few comments on Facebook.
«This is unique: mothers, who are often isolated in our society, find real help without having to commit themselves too much.»
Media scientist Sarah Bizzarri on the Basel mums 2.0
Bizzarri's result: «If one mum has a problem, the others are there straight away.» For example, she has observed how mothers offer to bring each other clothes and food, help or simply keep each other company when a mum is in hospital or is overwhelmed with the children at home. This resulted in firm friendships, but also loose connections that could be activated again and again if they needed to know something or simply didn't want to go for a walk alone in the park.
Real-life meetings are not uncommon, but are not expected. «This is unique: mothers, who are often isolated in our society, find real help without having to commit themselves too much,» says Bizzarri, describing her findings. And adds with regard to the sometimes very harsh tone: "It's a bit like in a family: you argue a lot. But you also help each other when it counts."
In her conclusion, Bizzarri writes that the separation between online and offline relationships can no longer be maintained today. We have heard this more often in relation to young people, but rarely in relation to their parents or, in this case, their mothers.
The group serves as reassurance: Am I normal?
In addition to tangible support - modern neighbourhood help - the Facebook group primarily offersemotional support. Several times a day, people ask whether what they are feeling as a mum or what their child is doing is normal. «Reassuring each other that you're not alone is very important,» says Bizzarri.
How intimate can online conversations be? How anonymous are the mums?
Sometimes the women also just want to vent. About the restaurant round the corner that won't serve tap water for children, but also about their five-year-old son who absolutely refuses to put on his own socks and shoes.
Yes, and sometimes they also say nasty things about their partner, from whom the women would like more support. Ranting about your partner and your own child on the internet? The registration procedure at Basler Mamis gives you the feeling that you are among yourselves: only members of Basler Mamis 2.0 can read along in the closed Facebook group, and only those who are confirmed by the administrators become members of the group. «To do this, we check whether the woman really comes from Basel and has a realistic profile with some details and photos of herself,» says Hofstetter.
Nevertheless, the founder of Basler Mamis also takes a critical view of women's openness. «We've been asked several times: «How often do you have sex?» and many have given a number. I think these women simply forget how many of us there are and how many corners you could know each other from,» says Hofstetter. There is also the risk that someone who wants to do you harm could take a screenshot at any time and spread it outside the group.
Recognition symbol: Button
Sarah Bizzarri also realised in her master's thesis that the women stumble when they are asked to explain why they are so open in the Facebook group. «You're just a bit anonymous,» they say, although many are registered on Facebook with a profile picture and real name.
And then, of course, there are those who don't necessarily want to remain anonymous. They buy buttons, key rings and bags with the Basler Mamis logo so that they can recognise each other on the street.
But sometimes they don't even need accessories. Hofstetter: «I was sitting in an internet café in Egypt and a woman next to me had our website open on her PC. She posted kind regards and that she was in Egypt. And I replied «I know, because I'm sitting next to you». The puzzled face was great.» At that moment at the latest, the other mum must have realised: «Not only am I not alone, I'm also not anonymous.»
Basler Mamis 2.0 and other Facebook groups for parents
The Basler Mamis Facebook group was first set up in 2010 by Sandra Hofstetter and her cousin. The idea was to offer a regional sales platform for children's items. As the sales often caused arguments, the women closed the group again and founded BaselMums 2.0 in 2015 as a pure discussion platform. With around 3,800 members, it is the largest and most active local Facebook group for mums in Switzerland. Selling is now expressly prohibited.
In her master's thesis, Sarah Bizzarri also analysed other groups such as the Mamis usem Berner Oberland,Mamis usem Kanton Luzern und Umgäbig, Solothurner and Aargauer Mamis, the Thurgauer Mamis and the Mamis vom Kanton Züri,all of which have far fewer members and discussion posts per day than the Basler Mamis 2.0. In no other group did the researcher find such cohesion and openness as in the Basler Mamis. The media scientist attributes this above all to the very active and committed administrators in Basel. The Basel Papis group, which was founded by a partner of one of the Basel Mamis administrators, is also more of a quiet group with 200 members.
