Mummy's shadow on the soul

Selma* was eight years old when she realised that her mother had a problem. «At a birthday party, she just collapsed. I saw her lying on the floor and was totally shocked. The next day she told me not to tell anyone that she was ill. I never did,» says the tall girl. When Selma talks about her past, she does so calmly and calmly. Only her fingers, which she repeatedly knots together, show her underlying nervousness.

Selma is 13 years old. She loves her dog Lucky, plays volleyball and is a real drawing artist. «Drawing is a way of coming to terms with her past,» says the psychologist that Selma sees every fortnight. We are sitting together on this rainy Wednesday afternoon in the office of a child and adolescent psychiatric service.
Selma wants to tell me her story «so that I can help other children who are experiencing something like me». Selma's mother, Elena, was depressed and an alcoholic. Two years ago, she threw herself under a train. «When they told me how she had killed herself, I got angry. Other people had to suffer too,» says Selma firmly. And a little softer, she adds: «But my mummy was just ill.»

Selma and her mother Elena were a close-knit team. The single mum, who separated from Selma's father when Selma was three years old, and her daughter did almost everything together. «But when she got sick, I had to look after her,» says Selma with great naturalness. «And me too,» she adds. «I set my alarm clock in the morning because mummy always slept longer. And I didn't want to be late for school.»

What was it like when your mum was still healthy? «That was fun. Sometimes she took me with her when she had to take things out in the van, then we had a lot of fun. But then she became increasingly unhappy. She told me a bit about her worries.» You can't help but get the feeling that Selma was initially proud to be her mother's friend, confidante and confidante. «But it also made me sad that I couldn't really help her.»

After the incident on her birthday, Elena makes the girl promise: «You mustn't tell anyone that I'm ill. That's our secret now. Can you keep it to yourself?» And Selma holds firm. And that pride resonates in her voice again: «My teacher once told me later that you couldn't tell that I had problems at home.»

You mustn't tell anyone that I'm ill. That's our secret now.

To explain her illness to her child, Elena bought a picture book about an alcoholic mother. «We looked at the book together, but it wasn't really necessary, I had known for a long time what was wrong with her mum. And that it wasn't grape juice that she always poured herself,» says Selma with a mischievous laugh. You can tell that the girl has found distance from her experiences, and yet her voice trembles slightly when she says that she often cried herself to sleep in the evenings when her mum had too much to drink. «Then she was always so far away and very strange."
Did Selma never feel the need to talk to anyone about it? "Yes, sometimes I did. And then I felt guilty. Apart from me, only Mummy's parents and her brother, my godfather, knew what problems Mummy had.»

Elena's addiction and depression became more severe. Over the next two years, the single mum was increasingly overwhelmed. She no longer wanted any contact with her ex-husband and her parents, and money worries added to her problems. And there were more and more arguments between mother and daughter. Why? «I can't remember,» says Selma, twirling her long brown hair. «I just know that I could never please her. It didn't take much and my mum would freak out.»

And sometimes Elena just broke down. «One evening, I heard her crying in the kitchen. I went to her, she was sitting on the floor. I did my best not to cry too and tried to comfort her. Then she said: «I just want to die.» I got angry and said: «You can't leave me alone, how dare you?» But Selma intuitively sensed that her mother didn't want to die alone. «She wanted me to die with her. Every time I drove the car, I almost crawled into the seat because I was afraid she would suddenly turn the wheel. And I didn't want to die.»
Are you angry with Mummy for that today? Selma doesn't think twice: "No, not any more. She just didn't want to leave me alone. And she suffered more and more because she was a burden to me.»

Selma intuitively sensed that her mother did not want to die alone. She wanted Selma to die with her.

Selma increasingly takes on adult responsibilities: «Mum discussed everything with me. Sometimes that was almost too much openness for me. I was her only confidante. She always said: "You're the only one who's there for me.» Selma is 10 years old at this point. The girl takes on more and more household duties. «If mum had to sleep late in the morning because she'd had a bad night, I made breakfast for myself. I quickly got used to sitting at the table on my own and drinking my chocolate,» Selma recalls.

When Elena falls into increasingly severe depression, she is admitted to a psychiatric hospital for three weeks. During this time, Selma's father is also called in. From then on, Selma spends every other weekend with him: and she likes it there, even though her dad is still a stranger to her at first. «I could really be a child there and didn't have to take on any responsibility.» Selma experiences a regular daily routine with her father that she no longer knows from home. «We did lots of things together, went to the swimming pool or cycling in the summer, or even to the zoo,» she remembers with shining eyes. «I always really looked forward to spending time with dad, but I also felt a bit guilty towards mum because I left her on her own.»

When it gets too much for Elena, she gets into the car and drives off. Selma is then scared and calls her father once, who looks after her afterwards. Once she calls her godfather, Elena's brother. When Elena finds out, she is furious. «Mum said he hadn't looked after us when she was unwell, he didn't have to come now either.»
And then came 8 August. A hot summer's day. Selma had a mild case of flu, but was desperate to go to her swimming class. Elena wanted the girl to stay at home. There was another argument. Elena left the flat and when she was gone, Selma packed her swimming costume and went to the pool. However, she didn't feel comfortable there and went home again.

«There was a note on the table at home saying that Mum was asleep and I shouldn't wake her up. I was really angry because I knew that she had gone out in the car earlier. But I didn't really care where she was. I think it was just too much for me today. I ate my dinner and fell asleep on the sofa. In the night, I heard Mummy come in, wine bottles clinking. She came close to me, I smelled her breath, it was really scary, I lay down to sleep. She said: «I love you and it's good for both of us.» Then she was gone. I didn't care at that moment, but I didn't afterwards and I went into the underground car park. The car was gone and I got scared.» It was difficult for her to sleep that night: «I had a strange feeling, because mum never really stayed out overnight.»

Her mum's breath smelled of alcohol. She said: «I love you and it's good for both of us.»

Selma woke up alone the next morning. The strange feeling hadn't gone away. «I didn't want to eat breakfast at all, my stomach was hurting really bad because I was worried about mum. But because she always told me it was important that I ate regularly, I made myself a snack and then went to school."
«In the second lesson, the teacher pulled me out and said: "We need to talk.» Police officers, my grandfather and my godfather were waiting for me in a room. That's when I knew it was over. They said: «Mummy's had an accident.» Then that she was dead. I knew straight away that it wasn't an accident.»

How did you feel back then? «I was happy, sad and angry, all together.»

It is decided that Selma should live with her paternal grandparents for the foreseeable future. She leaves school on the same day. She will not be returning. Her colleagues write little farewell letters and put them in Selma's rucksack. As touched as Selma is by this gesture, she wants to leave her old surroundings as quickly as possible: «I wanted to find new colleagues, because the old ones reminded me that I always had to hide something.»

She can no longer really remember the funeral, only that «I dreamt a lot about my mum. I couldn't imagine that she was really dead. Over time, I realised that she wasn't coming back. I often felt happy that everything was over, but then I hated her for leaving me alone.»

Selma stays with her grandparents for six months and has been living with her father and his new partner for two years. «I'm doing really well now,» she says with a broad smile. She only misses her mum sometimes. «That would mean that I would miss the past, and I don't. The best thing is that I can talk about everything today. And my mum looks down on me from above.»

As serene as Selma talks about her past, the new balance is fragile. Immediately after her mother's death, she felt «a great emptiness, I hurt myself», something she no longer does today. «The scratching doesn't do me any good."
Does she talk to friends about her past? "No, only very rarely, because I have the feeling that they don't understand me. How could they? They haven't been through what I've been through.»

The 13-year-old is now in her first year of secondary school and would like to become a social pedagogue or work in an old people's home later on. «I like helping because I know what it's like when you don't get any help. And I don't want anyone to do shit like my mum."
As we say goodbye, Selma gives me a firm handshake and says: "I'd love it if other children would write to me.»

* Names changed by the editors