Mummy, I'm gay
Franziska remembers it all too well. «I started crying when my son Nicola told me he was gay,» says the 48-year-old. Nicola was 16 years old and in the middle of puberty. As is often the case, he had been unavailable all day. When his parents asked him where he had been hanging out, he gave no answer. Not an unusual thing in puberty, «but his silence almost drove me crazy,» Franziska remembers.
There was an argument - and then, one day later, Nicola banged his mum over the head: «By the way - I'm gay.» Tears welled up in Franziska's eyes. Not because she was against it, as she says, but because she realised that her son was now facing a rocky road . «I would have liked to have spared him that.»
Nothing had indicated to them that their eldest could be homosexual. «Looking back, you always think you're smarter, you interpret a lot into it,» says Thomas, Franziska's husband and Nicola's father. Hadn't his son always got on particularly well with girls? Wasn't he interested in football or cars? And didn't he once walk around the living room in high heels as a child? Episodes from everyday family life, but also sure signs of homosexuality «Hardly,» says Thomas.
During puberty, life is a construction site: the body changes, emotions ride a rollercoaster, everything is questioned. The children are no longer children, but not yet adults. «Who am I?», «Who do I want to be?» or «Where do I belong?»: These are existential questions that all teenagers struggle with.
The search for identity is particularly difficult for homosexuals
For young people who realise that they are attracted to the same sex, the confrontation with their own ego becomes even more intense. Some isolate themselves and withdraw from friends and parents, others are overcome with shame because they fall in love with someone of the same sex for the first time. Realising that they are different, they fall out of society. The prince always marries the princess, never the prince.
Parents must become their child's allies
«Children generally recognise very quickly what is socially rewarded and what is not,» says social and preventive medicine specialist Jen Wang - and: «Boys who prefer to play tag with girls on school playgrounds rather than score goals are immediately judged negatively.» Wang researched the relationship between lifestyle and health for the University of Zurich and is now investigating the health of young people in relation to homosexuality for the Centre Hospitalier Universitaire (CHUV) in Lausanne.
The fact that boys play table football with girls contradicts the prevailing values that are manifested everywhere: on billboards outside our front doors, in the children's clothing department of a department store, on television and in books.
Many young people are overcome with shame when they fall in love with someone of the same sex for the first time.
At a glance, it becomes clear what it means to be a woman and a man in our society and the persistent role conceptions that go hand in hand with this image. Even today. «It's no wonder that even parents with an open attitude get into a crisis when their child comes out,» says Kathrin Meng, President of Milchjugend Schweiz, the association for «missexual worlds». Meng: «However, parents of homosexual adolescents must realise that their own fear is transferred to the child. And that they cannot protect their children from a homophobic society, but must make them aware of it.»
Kathrin Meng emphasises that mothers and fathers must become allies to their children, so-called Allys. Nicola is lucky because his parents are exemplary allies. «Even before my mum knew I was gay, she always paid attention to how she phrased things,» recalls the 20-year-old, who will complete his third year of training as a technical draughtsman in the summer.
«She often said: When you bring your first girlfriend or boyfriend home later ...». This open attitude put the young man at ease. He trusted that he could expect a respectful reaction to his coming out at home.
Nicola knows all too well that this is not a matter of course. He is aware of numerous negative examples from his circle of friends. Even years after a friend came out, his father still talks about his son having a girlfriend. He completely ignores homosexuality, says Nicola.
Gay jokes in the playground
Nicola is not used to reactions like this from his family environment. Only his younger sister reacted to Nicola's outing with an outburst of anger. She was 13 years old at the time and was worried about her reputation at school. «She is extremely sorry about that today,» says Nicola.
Today, Nicola can well understand his sister's concerns. Coming out at school was the most difficult hurdle for him too : «Not a day goes by when you're not confronted with gay jokes or get stupid comments on the playground». Expressions such as «Man, that's so gay!» or «You gay pig!» were the order of the day. By the end of his school days, these comments had become unbearable for Nicola.
However, he didn't dare respond to the sexist remarks. In the end, Nicola came out to three friends who were able to keep his secret. Kathrin Meng from Milchjugend understands this well: «As long as homosexuality is not addressed in everyday school life, from music and maths lessons to English lessons, homosexual pupils will not be able to talk freely about their sexuality and will refrain from coming out at school.»
Jen Wang shares this view. In his day-to-day work, the social and preventive physician repeatedly has to deal with homosexual young people who are discriminated against at school and even subjected to violence .
Even parents with an open attitude can get into a crisis when their child comes out.
«Teachers are often completely overwhelmed by such situations,» says Wang. This is why the scientist is in favour of providing them with special training on this topic. «Although homosexuality is included as a topic in the new Curriculum 21, there has so far been a failure to include the teaching of socio-emotional skills in teacher training programmes.»
Even more than the fear of discrimination, Nicola was plagued by loneliness. «I carried a secret around with me that I couldn't confide in anyone and that I only gradually found a name for.»
Although Nicola met like-minded people in chats with whom he could exchange ideas and from whom he felt understood, in real life the then 15-year-old had no points of contact with the homosexual world.
He was not aware of anyone in his environment who might be gay or lesbian, nor did his parents have any homosexual friends who could have served as figures of identification for him. The world around him seemed to be heterosexual through and through. A world that didn't fit for him.
High suicide risk among homosexuals
On average, three and a half years pass between the inner and outer coming out - i.e. between admitting to being gay and going public. A long time in the life of a teenager. It falls within the period in which «normal» teenagers gradually become interested in the opposite sex, start to have crushes, fall in love for the first time or have their first sexual experiences.
Experiences that homosexual teenagers usually don't have - the fear of resentment, rejection or ridicule is too great. As a result, these teenagers remain largely alone with their secret and lead a double life in the virtual world. If homosexual teenagers fear a negative reaction from their parents, the consequences can be fatal.
On average, three and a half years pass between the inner and outer coming-out of a young person.
«Especially when it comes to the mental health of gay or lesbian children, the parental home plays an enormously important role,» says Wang. Only the factors «problematic love relationships» and «acceptance of one's own sexuality» are more important, says Wang. As part of the «Projet santé gaie» project in Geneva, the physician investigated the triggers for depressive illnesses and suicide attempts among young people. The figures for depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts among homosexual adolescents have remained almost unchanged for decades.
Fear of attack
According to studies, 20 per cent of all homosexual people have attempted suicide in the course of their lives. Half of these suicide attempts were made before the age of 20 and are largely related to coming out.
And: the risk of suicide is two to five times higher for homosexuals between the ages of 16 and 20 than for their heterosexual peers. «It is simply unacceptable that young gays and lesbians in our country are exposed tosuch severe psychological distress,» says Wang.
Nicola coped well with his coming out and is glad he took this step. «I've definitely become more self-confident since then,» says the apprentice. His classmates at the vocational school know that Nicola is gay, as do his work colleagues. Since then, hardly any sexist remarks are made in his presence. In his free time, however, 20-year-old Nicola usually only moves in gay, urban circles when he is out and about in the evenings or at weekends.
Even when travelling by train with gay colleagues, he always pays attention to what he says and who is sitting near him. «Unfortunately, violent behaviour towards homosexuals is still not uncommon,» says Nicola. Nevertheless, it is important not to hide, to act and dress the way you want to, says the 20-year-old. And ultimately to look for like-minded allies who can help you feel more confident. Because being different only becomes normal when it becomes visible.
Glossary
Ally
A person who is heterosexual but still stands up for the rights of LGBT people.
Homophobia
Fear of homosexuals. Describes behaviour characterised by a strong aversion to homosexual people.
LGBT
The term stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender, i.e. the sexual orientation and identity variations of people.
Queer
Stands for gay, lesbian, transgender, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, etc. In other words, for all people who fall outside the heteronormative framework.
Information and addresses
Milk Youth
Milchjugend is the largest youth organisation for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and asexual young people in Switzerland. Among other things, it publishes its own magazine, the «Milchbüechli», and organises a weekly bar evening, regular parties and a three-day weekend called «Milchreise».
www.milchjugend.ch
Anyway
Anyway consists of a management team of young adults with a wide range of (coming out) experiences. Their main aim with the youth club is to offer a platform for young people who want to come to terms with their own sexuality and/or identity and get to know people in an uncomplicated way.
www.anyway-basel.ch
You-are-you
Du-bist-du promotes the mental and physical health of young LGBT people through peer counselling, knowledge transfer and workshops via specialists and helps them to become confident about their sexual orientation and/or gender identity. www.du-bist-du.ch
Checkpoint
Professional help is needed for anxiety, depressive disorders or suicidal thoughts. The Checkpoint health centre offers counselling sessions with psychologists for young gay people.
www.mycheckpoint.ch
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More about homosexuality and coming out:
- Woran erkennen Eltern, ob ihr Kind homosexuell ist? Der Basler Psychiater Udo Rauchfleisch erklärt, warum es Mädchen einfacher fällt, sich zu outen, wie Eltern ihr Kind beim Coming-out unterstützen können und warum «schwul» bis heute als Schimpfwort gilt.