«Mum, I hate you!»

My child recently said «I don't love you anymore!» to me. How did I deserve that?
deserved it? I switched off the TV for my 4-year-old daughter. She jumped off the sofa with flushed cheeks and narrowed eyes, put her hands on her sides and shook her head wildly. She no longer loved me at all.

«I don't love you anymore!», «You're stupid!», «Stupid mum!». Most parents are familiar with such outbursts of anger. These and similar words from the mouth of their own child turn the hearts of many mums and dads inside out. And the worst of these phrases is «I hate you!». It can catch parents off guard and shock them. But how can you deal with it? How can you help yourself and your offspring in this unpleasant situation?

Prevent short-circuit reactions

Breathing deeply provides immediate relief from shock and sadness. Breathing exercises bring back an initial balance. If, on the other hand, anger is bubbling in your stomach, physical distraction is recommended. For example, jogging or working in the garden. Such activities relax, reduce stress and can prevent short-circuit reactions and an escalation of the situation.

An entertaining distraction can also help with feelings of overwhelming helplessness. For example, watering flowers, folding laundry or taking the dog for a walk. And if the child has dropped the sentence in public, it's best to ignore other people to avoid further upset.

«It's not at all unusual for children and young people to get carried away with the words «I hate you!»»

Beate Schwarz, Professor of Developmental and Family Psychology at the ZHAW.

At the same time, it helps to realise that your offspring's reaction is nothing to worry about. «It's not at all unusual for children and young people to be provoked into saying «I hate you!»,» says Beate Schwarz, Professor of Developmental and Family Psychology at the Zurich University of Applied Sciences. It is difficult for kindergarten and primary school children to put up with someone wanting something different from them. Children at this age are not yet able to control their emotions and articulate their thoughts. The childish «I hate you!» is therefore usually an age-appropriate expression of frustration.

Setting boundaries without damaging your self-esteem

Children can make unpleasant comments during the defiant phase - i.e. between the ages of two and around six. Schoolchildren are less prone to this. The situation is different for teenagers: they are at an age when they have to distance themselves from their parents and develop their own identity. As a result, the commands and prohibitions of their parents can seem like an overpowering influence on their lives. The contradiction between their need for independence and their dependence on their parents manifests itself in frequent arguments - and also in words such as "I hate you!

«Nevertheless, parents should not simply ignore this sentence, because the child's anger and disappointment are both genuine and strong at that particular moment,» explains Beate Schwarz. Mums and dads should also address the comment in order to promote a more respectful relationship between their offspring and themselves. The aim of this conversation is to set boundaries for children and young people without damaging their son's or daughter's self-esteem.

That's why it's important to start by signalling to your offspring: «I love you anyway.» Phrases such as: «I'm sorry that you hate me because I love you» are conceivable for both children and teenagers.

«Help your child to get in touch with their own emotions!»

Parents should also show their children that they recognise their feelings and take them seriously, for example with sentences such as: «I can see that you are very angry.» In this way, they help their child to get in touch with their own emotions. Parents can give younger children in particular specific recommendations to help them deal with similar situations in the future, such as: "If you're angry, say «I'm angry» and we'll look for solutions together."

It is also important that mum and dad explain why they are unwilling or unable to comply with the child's wishes. For example: «If you watch TV for longer, you'll get less sleep and be tired all day tomorrow. You won't have any fun playing.» By briefly explaining their reasons, parents prevent the child from perceiving their ban as arbitrary. Instead, mum and dad make it clear: our actions are understandable and linked to your well-being.

Parents shape communication with the child

But parents can do even more to ensure that the unpleasant three words are used less often. To do this, they should ask themselves whether their child may have picked up the hurtful comment from them. For example, have you often heard a sentence like: «If you don't do what I ask, then I won't love you anymore»?

Such comments are all too easy to make, especially when things need to happen quickly in everyday life - and possibly without even realising it. «However, mums and dads should refrain from making them for the sake of their relationship with their children,» says Beate Schwarz. By acting as a role model, they can strongly influence communication with their child.

In some cases, parents will not be able to improve the dialogue with their offspring. Comments such as «I hate you!» are all too common. If there is no more room for calm dialogue and the mother or father is suffering, it is advisable to seek professional help.

But as a rule, an occasional «I hate you!» is a normal comment from both children and teenagers. If parents then help the child to deal with their strong emotions and also set boundaries in a respectful and compromising manner , this not only strengthens the culture of conflict in the family - it also promotes their child's future communication and conflict resolution skills.

About the author:

4 tips for dealing with childhood hatred

• Wichtig ist der Austausch der Eltern unterein­ander und eine Absprache darüber, wie man auf das «Ich hasse dich!» reagiert. Kinder und Jugendliche sollten nicht zwei grundlegend unterschiedliche Reaktionen der Eltern erleben.
• Wenn die Bestürzung über die drei Worte anhält, können Mütter und Väter in Elterngruppen Austausch suchen. Das Gespräch mit anderen betroffenen Eltern kann eine wichtige emotionale Stütze sein.
• Eltern sollten mit Jugendlichen mindestens zwei Kommunikationsregeln befolgen: das aufmerksame gegenseitige Zuhören und das respektvolle Ausredenlassen.
• Je früher die Eltern ihrem Nachwuchs die Gründe für die Verbote kurz und nachvoll­ziehbar erklären, desto förderlicher ist das für die langfristige Kommunikation in der Familie.

Parents can find help here

• Jugendberatungsstelle der Stadt Zürich: Kostenlose telefonische Kurzberatungen sowie psychologische Beratung und Therapie für Jugendliche und Eltern der Stadt Zürich 
• Elternnotruf:  24-Stunden-Beratung per Telefon oder E-Mail für Eltern
   
• Beratung für Eltern entwicklungsverzögerter Kinder und Jugendlicher
  
• Zentralstelle für Ehe- und Familienberatung
  
• Pro Juventute

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