Mrs Willemse, how much smartphone is too much?

Mrs Willemse, according to studies, we look at our smartphones every 11 to 18 minutes. Are we a nation of addicts?

In this context, I think the distinction between addicted and dependent is important. Addicted means that we are dependent on our smartphone. This happens easily because everything is in the device: calendar, timetable, Google. We use the smartphone for things that used to be spread across several media. I think the word addiction is used too excessively. Several criteria must be met for a diagnosis of online addiction. Loss of control over use and neglecting important things and relationships are two of them.

Is the unconscious use of a smartphone a warning sign of a possible loss of control?

It is then at least worth analysing our own smartphone usage, for example with the help of monitoring apps. This way, we can find out how much we really use the device and what we use it for. In fact, many people automatically reach for their devices during idle times, for example when waiting for the bus. We should set a different example for our children here. Boredom is important for developing your own ideas.

How much smartphone is too much? What should we set and exemplify for our children?

I don't think much of generalised time specifications. Basically, if parents set a different example to what they say, it becomes very difficult for children. If children experience their parents reaching for their mobile phones in moments of frustration, they will adopt this strategy and start gaming or chatting with a friend as soon as homework gets on their nerves.

Screens act like a magnet, especially when children are small. How can parents deal with this?

We all watch moving images. Children also sense that the smartphone plays an important role in their parents' lives. So they are curious. It helps to explain to the children what you are doing yourself. They may also be able to better categorise emotional reactions to the content. I don't think it's a problem to look at a few photos or videos together in between - if the device is then put away again.

We have already mentioned several reasons for using a smartphone.

Fun and entertainment would be others. And: many young people use videos to learn something. A musical instrument, for example.

You can even get lost in them. What if you only wanted to show the children one video and then they want to see lots more educational videos?

That sounds good in theory. But what if the children run riot despite the previous agreement?

I would suggest that you first talk to the children about what they have seen. Ask questions and consolidate what they have learnt. If you then have the feeling that the next video is valuable - why not? But it's best to agree that that's the end of it. And stick to it. It is important to combine media time with face-to-face time and real experiences. For example, you could recreate an experiment that you saw in the video.

The more consistent you are, the clearer it is for the children too. The romping is usually short-lived and has to be endured - which is often not easy. Children who are aware of alternatives can switch back to them more quickly. It is therefore important that the use of digital media from an early age is just one activity alongside the many «analogue» activities that children engage in during their free time.

How do you set time limits that work?

By limiting media use right from the start. Children will find it easier to understand what they know from TV on their smartphone. The rules must be so simple that parents can really implement them. For example: no more screens one hour before bedtime - partly because of the blue light, but also because of the content, which is often more stimulating. Perhaps this would be a time that parents could spend with their child, playing a game together, colouring or reading a book together. The children in our studies often state that their use is less regulated than their parents say.

How did this come about?

On the one hand, parents know that they are expected to have media rules. On the other hand, many rules are simply not implemented. This means that they do not exist for children. Rules must be consistently adhered to and communicated transparently. Children should know the consequences of breaking the rules. This enables them to assess the risk themselves.

As with other diets, a digital detox can have a yo-yo effect!

Are fixed screen times for certain age groups an outdated model?

They are controversial. Media have different effects on children. I suggest: Choose a limited amount of screen time that seems appropriate. Then accompany and observe your child closely. Are they becoming passive? Can they deal with the content? Can they detach themselves from the screen? For teenagers, from the age of 16 for example, I would define media-free times rather than screen time.

How often should these take place?

There is no general answer to this question either. Does the young person have hobbies that don't involve a smartphone anyway? Then they need less prescribed media-free time. For example, you could say that homework and family meals are mobile-free and the mobile phone is put in a box at night. The important thing is to create alternative options for mobile phone-free time.

How do you teach children to use media mindfully and consciously?

By giving them feedback. For example, if the child is aggressive and in a bad mood after playing a certain game, ask them: «Do you realise how you are reacting? Why do you keep playing anyway?» However, attention should also be paid to the positive aspects, for example by parents praising the skills that the child has learnt through a strategy game. It is important to keep talking about the effects of media. The older the child is and the earlier they have learnt to talk about their experiences, the better their self-reflection will work.

Digital detox, i.e. a period of time without a mobile phone, is all the rage. What do you think?

I struggle with the word poison. The smartphone can become toxic, but it's usually something useful. It can be good to incorporate moments of abstinence. You get to know yourself and your mobile phone use well. Do I turn around if I forget my mobile phone at home? It is important to plan and communicate mobile phone-free time. In our research, young people told us about dramas because they didn't reply to Whatsapp for a while. And of course it's important that you don't compensate after detoxing and simply stay on your mobile phone for longer. New studies show that there is a tendency to do this. So it's better not to go to extremes and only do without for shorter periods of time.

Read more about mindful smartphone use:

• The most important thing is to keep talking to your child about media. And yet filters and restrictions can make life easier for you and your child. Here we describe how to do it.
• The 3-6-9-12 rule gives parents guidelines for their children's screen time. However, it dates back to the pre-smartphone era. The author has now updated and adapted it.