Mrs Schwager, how do you protect children from sexual abuse?

An inconspicuous-looking building in Zurich's Universitätsstrasse opposite the tram stop. A narrow staircase leads up to the second floor. Girls and boys, women and men who have been victims of sexual violence can find help here. As well as parents who wonder whether their child has been subjected to such suffering. Regula Schwager stands smiling at the entrance to the Castagna counselling centre and a little later asks to take a seat on a sofa for this interview.

Mrs Schwager, when do we start talking about sexual abuse?

As soon as there is sexual intent behind an action. If you hug your child because you like them, this is not an assault. However, as soon as this hug is sexually motivated, it is a sexualised violation of boundaries. Sexual abuse begins when you become aroused by the sight of a child, use sexualised words towards the child, show them pornographic films, perform sexual acts in front of the child and even penetrate the boy's or girl's orifices.

Many perpetrators say that they do not harm the child, that it does not come to any harm, because in some cases it knows nothing of their intentions.

Most people who abuse children do so under the guise of affection and tenderness. The claim that they are not harming the children is a cognitive distortion that the perpetrators use to justify their actions to themselves. The fact is that even the least serious offences are harmful to children. Even for young children. They sense that the atmosphere has become sexualised. «And then he suddenly breathed so quickly» is a phrase you often hear from victims. Unlike adults, children cannot classify this, but they can sense the change or the sexualisation of the contact.

How many children are sexually abused in this country?

It is estimated that one in three to five women and one in six to ten men in Western Europe has been abused as a child. And we have to assume that these are not the mild cases, but the moderate to severe ones.

That many? Then each of us should know one or more people in our neighbourhood.

Of course, but we don't know who is affected. Because they can't talk about it or because they don't remember it themselves. The latter is called traumatic amnesia. The experience that cannot be overcome is split away. It is then as if it did not happen. Many children can only survive their traumatic experiences in this way.

What do you mean?

Over 90 per cent of children are abused by someone close to them - their sports coach, their uncle, their own father. The children want to protect the perpetrator, to preserve their living environment, because they are at the mercy of the perpetrator for better or worse. That is why they interpret these offences in a completely different way, many say to themselves: «What happens to me happens out of love. Statistics show that many perpetrators sexually exploit very young children and even infants: Over 50 per cent of all victims are under the age of ten. This is not surprising when you consider that young children in particular are strongly attached to their carers and are therefore dependent on them. They are the "perfect victims». They don't talk and they are extremely loyal to the perpetrators.

Father, uncle, sports coach, you've only listed male examples.

Women also commit sexual abuse, and these assaults are by no means less harmful or less serious. But well over 90 per cent of perpetrators are male.

Do all these men have paedophilic tendencies?

No, only around 20 to 30 per cent of this group are paedophiles. In other words, they are sexually orientated towards children, and have been since birth. The other 70 to 80 per cent do this out of an aspect of power. They compensate for feelings of weakness or powerlessness by using violence. There is always a claim to power behind the violence. You make a child weak, humiliate them, which gives you the «kick» you are looking for. And this power kick is strongest when sexual violence is used.

«You make a child weak, humiliate them, and that gives you a kick.»

At what stage of life does someone become an offender?

This is a fascinating question that is difficult to answer. There are studies that have analysed the biographies of sex offenders. They show that the vast majority committed sexual offences as children or adolescents. This means that compensating for one's own feelings of powerlessness through sexual violence starts at an early age.

Girls are affected twice as often as boys. Is there such a thing as a typical victim?

In principle, any child can become a victim, because all children are highly dependent on adults. Sexual exploitation of children takes place in all social classes. It is therefore not an «underclass issue».

What are the consequences of sexual abuse for a child's development and later life?

Sexual offences against a child are always traumatic events and have serious consequences, especially if they happen in a close relationship. The child's trust is abused in a way that a child cannot interpret. The children affected almost always suffer from trauma-related disorders as a result. The severity of these depends on the frequency and duration and how serious the sexual offences were.

What are the typical symptoms?

Memorieskeep coming back to those affected, triggered by people, objects, smells, sounds and so on. They suffer from sleep disorders, anxiety, inner tension, concentration problems and they experience the traumatic scenes over and over again in the form of images, sensations or nightmares .

But how can such abuse take place over a period of years? Are there really mothers who do not realise that their husband or partner is abusing their own child?

There are many variations. Many women don't actually notice these actions or misinterpret the child's signals. Others look the other way, don't want to or are «allowed» to recognise it and still others even support their partner by bringing the children into the bedroom. These cases are blatant and fortunately very rare.

How do you proceed when relatives come to you for counselling with a suspicion?

We look at the clues that have led to the suspicion. Sometimes these are changes in the child's behaviour. You often have a hunch that something is wrong long before there is any evidence. You have to take this gut feeling seriously.

How is abuse proven?

You can't prove sexual abuse if a child doesn't talk about it. However, due to their emotional dependency, children do not usually speak out. They protect the perpetrator because they have a close bond with them. Clear evidence is only given if a child talks about their horror or if there are witnesses to the sexual acts, which unfortunately is almost never the case. Contrary to all expectations, most children do not react with sexualised behaviour.

What would such behaviour look like?

A girl once pulled down her pants in front of her classmates in first grade, bent over and said: «You can put your Schnäbi in there.» That is a very clear indication that something is wrong. This child has obviously at least witnessed adult sexual behaviour. Directly or indirectly, for example through pornography. Whether the girl has suffered more is not known from this behaviour.

«No child has an interest in betraying the perpetrator.»

They say that such clear indications are very rare.

Correct. Children who are sexually exploited are most likely to show symptoms of stress, of inner distress. For example, they suddenly no longer want to go out to play, they suddenly wet the bed again, they can no longer sleep alone in the dark and so on.

These are abnormalities that can have many other causes.

This is what makes solving such cases so difficult. Children always have developmental crises. If these symptoms disappear again in two to three months, this is part of normal development. However, if this behaviour persists or other symptoms are added, parents should contact a counselling centre. This is because these fears are an expression of inner distress and the child needs specialised help to overcome them.

What options do parents have to protect their children from sexual assault?

Effective prevention of sexual violence always starts on several levels. Firstly, children must be supported in their psychosexual development and their self-confidence strengthened through appropriate guidance. For example, children should learn the names for all parts of the body, including their genitals, and they should be taught about sexuality - in an age-appropriate way, of course. Parents also have an important role model function.

In what way?

Mothers and fathers should teach their children that sexuality and physicality are positive things, but that there are boundaries with regard to one's own body that others must respect. Fathers and mothers should set an example of how to draw these boundaries in the family. For example, by clearly stating when something makes him or her uncomfortable. «Stop, I want to go to the toilet alone.» If the child experiences that boundaries can be set in this way and that they are respected, they have already learnt the most important thing, namely that there are boundaries that must be respected.

Sexual abuse, and protection against it, is the subject of many children's and picture books. Does this make sense?

In principle, yes, but the way it is done often seems unhelpful or even counterproductive to me. As a rule, they show child figures who are supposed to say «no» loudly and clearly to a potential offender.

What's wrong with that?

This ignores the fact that the majority of perpetrators come from the child's close environment. The child has a close bond with this person and is dependent on them. Due to this dependency and the logically very large power imbalance between adult and child, no child is in a position to oppose an adult's request. So if you train a child to say no, you will create a major problem in the child. It will not be able to say no in the actual situation of exploitation. And so they will develop the feeling that they have done something wrong, that they themselves are to blame for the bad thing that this trusted person is doing to them.

So what should be done instead?

Adults are responsible for protecting children. A child cannot effectively protect itself from sexual exploitation. I therefore think it makes a lot more sense for children to be given clear messages at home, nursery and after-school care: «Look, nobody is allowed to touch you in these places - except mum or dad up to a certain age. The clothes stay on when playing.»

You can discuss something like this with a schoolchild. But how do you talk about this topic with a younger child?

It is not the job of a small child to protect itself, that is up to the parents. For example, the child should only be given to trusted people to look after. The father or mother should be present when older children are with the small child. And if the 13-year-old boy next door keeps wanting to play with the toddler, this can be conspicuous and should take place in a controllable context.

Let's say a 7-year-old girl goes to a friend's house once a week for lunch, where she is supervised by her parents until her own parents come home from work. After six months, the daughter asks her parents more and more frequently and vehemently not to go. When should they act?

Of course, there can be many reasons for this. For example, the desire to spend your time somewhere else. I would ask: Why don't you like going there any more? If the parents have the feeling that this situation is really stressful for the child, I would look for another childcare solution. It is also important that parents take their gut feeling seriously. Under no circumstances should parents whose children show such symptoms of stress question what the child is saying. An exploited child usually doesn't talk, and if they do, these statements are usually ambiguous.

Children's comments are often dismissed with reasons such as «the girl has a vivid imagination, she just wants to draw attention to herself».

It cannot be what must not be. Many people simply cannot imagine such acts being carried out on children - especially by someone they may hold in high esteem. Of course there are children who fantasise. However, no child has an interest in betraying the person who has committed the offence. Therefore, statements made by children about sexual acts should be taken very seriously.

Now, parenting styles have changed a lot in the last few decades, children today experience themselves as more self-effective and are allowed to express their opinions more. Does this have an impact on the figures or, to put it another way, are cases of sexual abuse on the decline?

Unfortunately, no. Of course it is important that the needs of children today are taken seriously and that they have more rights. Unfortunately, this has no influence on the extent of sexual violence against children. We must remain vigilant.

Read more about developing healthy sexuality:

• How healthy and authentic is our approach to our own physicality? Sexological body therapist Beate Wanka talks about the role model function of mothers and fathers, sexual freedom and bad sex education books.

More about recognising and preventing child abuse:

• Georg Staubli is head of the emergency ward at Zurich Children's Hospital and head of the child protection group there. The paediatrician explains what serious cases of child abuse trigger in him and why corporal punishment still exists as an educational measure.

• Verbal violence - when words hurt a child's soul. Psychological violence is the most common form of violence against minors, says psychologist and curative paedagogue Franz Ziegler.