Mrs Härter, when can a child be left alone?

It is important for a child's development that fathers and mothers have confidence in them. Do parents do this equally well with sons and daughters?

I experience that boys and girls sometimes have different expectations. These have an effect on the children - and also on the parents themselves. Because when parents have confidence that their child can do something on their own, it is easier to let go. Conversely, fathers and mothers worry more when they assume that there could be difficulties. I have the impression that girls are expected to make fewer messes than boys.

When it comes to instructions, «do this» is much better than «don't do that».

Are girls really more sensible?

I doubt that. To a certain extent, children's reactions depend on what and how parents communicate something. Saying: «Don't mess around» is different from saying: «I trust you to do it, you're sensible enough». In my counselling sessions, I repeatedly observe that boys tend to be told what they shouldn't do. This is often accompanied by the expectation that they will not follow the rules. With girls, I observe that parents often give positive instructions that are easier for children to follow. It is always better to formulate clear and, above all, positive instructions on how the child should behave. So not: «Don't run into the street», but: «Stay on the pavement». «Do this» is better than «don't do that».

So if I want to leave my child alone, the instruction is: «Stay in the flat and spread yourself a sandwich when you get hungry». When is my child old enough for this?

You can't pin it down to a specific age. Children develop too differently for that. Parents should look very closely at where their child is at, what impulses come from them and what they can trust them to do. Regardless of this, learning to be alone is a development towards independence. For both children and parents, it is a process of detachment that involves many small steps.

What could a first step look like?

The first steps are practising in everyday situations in which parents leave the child alone for a short time. For example, when the father or mother has to fetch something from the cellar or go to the bathroom without the child. They should observe their child closely to see how it reacts. Such experiences help to assess the child and find out what is suitable for the child. If they are told from one day to the next: «So, now you're going to stay at home on your own», children quickly feel overwhelmed. It is important that children and parents can practise and learn during this process.

Some parents find this more difficult than their children ...

Yes, it is a learning and detachment process for them too, which is not easy. By taking small steps, they can build up trust in their child and their self-assessment and get a feeling for what is too much for the child and where it would be good to encourage the son or daughter.

How should parents react if a child offers to stay alone?

Most children actually say at some point: «You go ahead.» They feel the need to try things out and be autonomous. It is then important for parents to check what they need and whether the child is still overestimating themselves or is actually ready. How well a child copes depends on many factors: Is it healthy, is it just about to take a developmental step, or are there stresses in the environment? These questions help to assess what the child can be expected to do. Incidentally, this development and detachment process is not a straight path, but a winding, sometimes bumpy one. Sometimes things go well and then there are bigger challenges. That is why there is no rule along the lines of: if A is given, B can follow.

Short and sweet, or over-explaining - how should mums and dads teach their child that they are about to leave?

It is very important to talk to the child and clearly communicate how long the parents will be away. Children understand from an early age that someone is going away for a short time and will be back. If the parents are able to communicate clearly and straightforwardly: This step is good and appropriate now, we feel safe doing it, we trust you to do it; then that is very helpful for the child.

What about siblings - can two children be left alone if the older one feels safe?

It really depends on the age difference. If they are both younger children and the older one is just about ready, then it may be too much for them to look after a younger sibling. If the older child is confident enough to look after their sibling without feeling under pressure, this is perfectly possible. However, it's important to remember that brothers and sisters can sometimes get up to mischief. It is therefore important to discuss with the children what is okay and where the boundaries are.

Sometimes you just have to try it out.

How important is it to have some kind of contingency plan in case something goes wrong?

Very important! Parents should discuss with their children what they can do and where they can go if something happens. Neighbours can be an important resource, but only if you know and trust them. Children need to know that they can contact their parents by mobile phone at any time. Sometimes it helps girls and boys a lot when they are unsettled if they can briefly hear their mum or dad's voice.

Some parents hesitate for a long time because they fear an accident could happen.

As everywhere in life, all dangers can never be ruled out. It is important for parents to assess potential sources of danger. And then you just have to try it out. At best, the child will realise that it can cope with difficult situations and is no longer so dependent. And conversely, if you realise that it was too much, you should take another step back.

How difficult is it for children to arrive home alone after school?

This depends on the environment, the route to school, friends and the current school situation. It is important that children are supported at home. They bring a lot of the tension home with them. There they can let go. If they are alone, the tension is maintained for longer and may be released all the more violently later on. The same applies here: practise and try things out. If things are going well at school and with friends, settling in can be quite unproblematic. In this context, the question also arises as to when the time is ripe for carrying a key. Some children show it around and it gets lost, others handle it responsibly.

Helicopter parents are repeatedly criticised in the media. In other words, mums and dads who are constantly circling around their children and taking everything off their hands. Do we trust our children too little?

The social status of children has changed. If children make up a large part of the parents' lives, there is a real risk that it will be more difficult to detach them. Society's expectations and pressure on parents to encourage and support their children as much as possible are also high. Parents are often unsettled by the multitude of advice and may become more cautious as a result. But I am not in a position to judge whether children today are generally overprotected. In any case, we should allow our sons and daughters to be independent even when they are small. When they try something and succeed, it strengthens their self-esteem. And if they fail, they can learn to work through the failure with the support of adults. Children who are asked to do too much are less confident because they don't feel they can achieve anything.

How can parents recognise whether their child is coping well with being alone or is still overwhelmed?

Questions that can help with the assessment...
... in advance:

• Fühlt sich das Kind beim Besprechen der neuen Situation sicher?
• Freut sich das Kind auf die bevorstehende Herausforderung?
• Reagiert das Kind irritiert bei der Ankündigung?
• Ist das Kind durch die neue Situation verunsichert?
• Fragt das Kind häufig nach, wann die Eltern wieder zurückkommen?
• Wirkt das Kind aus Verunsicherung heraus stark aufgedreht oder übermütig, bevor die Eltern sich verabschieden?
• Bringt das Kind ungewöhnlich viele Bedürfnisse an Nähe und Sicherheit zum Ausdruck?
• Ist das Kind gesund oder klagt es über Bauchweh, Kopfschmerzen, Übelkeit?
• Entsteht wegen Kleinigkeiten rasch Streit oder wirkt das Kind aggressiv oder angespannt?
• Hat das Kind beim Essen plötzlich keinen Appetit mehr oder kann nicht schlafen?

... looking back:

• Wie geht es dem Kind bei der Rückkehr der Eltern?
• Was berichtet das Kind vom Erlebten? 
• Zeigt sich das Kind stolz und begeistert?
• Wirkt das Kind angespannt oder aufgewühlt?
• Wirkt das Kind ängstlich oder fröhlich und entspannt?
• War das Kind in der Lage, Unvorhergesehenes zu bewältigen?
• Zeigt das Kind ein ungewöhnlich grosses Bedürfnis nach Nähe und Sicherheit?
• Wird das Kind krank oder klagt über Bauchweh, Kopfschmerzen, Übelkeit?
• Entsteht der Eindruck, dass das Kind ständig Streit und die Auseinandersetzung mit den Eltern oder Geschwistern sucht?
• Schläft das Kind gut ein und zeigt normales Essverhalten?

Small orientation guide

The child can stay at home alone when it is ready: some parents wonder whether this will be the case at the age of 5, 9 or 13. Ulric Ritzer-Sachs from the online counselling service of the German Federal Conference for Educational Counselling is a little more specific: «Many older kindergarten children can be left alone for a quarter of an hour without the world coming to an end - as long as sources of danger are eliminated and you are not too far away.»

Young people should be able to be left alone for longer periods of time by the age of 14 at the latest - provided they are healthy and developing normally. For children of primary school age, he also advises taking a close look, making decisions dependent on their stage of development and clarifying them before leaving them alone: Get help if something happens. And if there's a fire: drop everything and run outside as fast as you can.

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