Mrs Allebes, what can I do if my child is defiant?

At the entrance to Rochelle Allebes' flat in Zurich Wipkingen, there are large and small bicycles. The therapist, who speaks with a Dutch accent, welcomes us into her living room; a cosy room with lots of wood, modern furniture and a large leather sofa. There are CDs and art books on the shelves and pictures and old photographs on the walls.

Mrs Allebes, parents today can find many books and websites with advice on raising children in bookshops and on the Internet. What do you think of that?
On the one hand, it can be a sign that parents are insecure and hope to find help in the guidebooks. On the other hand, many mums and dads are now under pressure to support their child properly and are therefore looking for the best possible guidance. Nowadays, career planning starts with two-year-olds. However, there is no single parenting book that everyone can follow. There is a wide variety of guides and often the conclusion is that parents have to find out for themselves how they want to bring up their children and what is right for them. Perhaps mums and dads should do a little less reading in books and on the internet and «read» their children instead! After all, parents are experts on their own children!
What does that mean?
That children should be perceived as independent, unique personalities who have a very individual character. I recently saw a documentary film about a family with very little money. The son came home one day and was very impressed by a violinist he had heard playing in the street. From then on, he harboured the desire to play the violin too. The family was unable to make this possible for the boy. But his father came home a few weeks later with a violin bow and gave it to his son. Although it was far from reality that the son would be able to learn to play the violin, the father had recognised and taken his child's need seriously and tried to respond to it. For the son, this meant My father sees me, my father recognises me. Interestingly, young people who are interviewed for the German Shell Youth Study repeatedly criticise precisely this: that they are not taken seriously, not seen, but that their parents are primarily concerned with their achievements or that they do not consume alcohol or other drugs.

«Mums and dads are experts on their children and should take them seriously.»

Parent counsellor Rochelle Allebes

How should parents behave instead?
I think it is extremely important that parents are really willing to get to know their child and are not prejudiced and think they know who their daughter or son is anyway. I try to sharpen parents' awareness of the child's nature and uniqueness so that they perceive the child as they are and not as they think they are. With parents who push their children to the extreme, I then discuss why they are so performance-orientated, for example. And I ask provocative questions like: 'Would you love your child less if they weren't successful at school?
You worked as a counsellor at the «Elternnotruf» for 22 years. What particularly unsettles parents when it comes to bringing up their children?
As the relationship with the child has generally become more important in recent decades, some parents are also increasingly afraid of demanding something from their children, for example, because they fear that they will no longer be loved if they don't do so. Parents today are sometimes very emotionally dependent on their children and want to be in their favour - so a kind of reversal has taken place: Because it is actually the children who need parental love ...

Parents are afraid that their child might reject them. Where does this come from?
The basis for demanding respect from children is a certain amount of self-respect. And if this is not present, parents are not in a position to demand that their children show them respect. Parenting means that, as a mother and father, you have to constantly look at yourself and ask yourself: What goals am I pursuing and what values do I represent? Why do I find it so difficult to say no? Parents today have to find their own way of parenting and it is important to adopt a clear attitude towards their children.

«I keep noticing a clear loss of parental presence.»

Parent counsellor Rochelle Allebes

And how do you do that?
If there are major difficulties in parenting, I tell parents to try to take a two-pronged approach. On the one hand, it's about understanding their child: What's going on? Why is my daughter or son behaving like this? But it's also about taking a clear stance and telling the child that certain behaviour is not acceptable. I often find that parents are only on one track. Either they only want to understand the child - for example, when a mother is beaten by her teenage son and she says to herself: «I understand my child, he is also in a difficult situation with me as a single mother.» Or then I see the other extreme, where parents constantly criticise their child without wanting to understand the reasons behind the teenager's behaviour. In both cases, there is a clear loss of parental presence.
What are the difficulties when parents are afraid of their children?
Fear-driven parenting is not effective parenting because as a parent you become vulnerable to blackmail. I then have to support parents in coming to terms with themselves and their own parenting behaviour. For example: When parents come to me and have been suffering for a long time because their son just hangs around in his room at home, doesn't go to school or doesn't want to do an apprenticeship, I first look with them at why they have endured and put up with this situation for a long time. Then I often find out that their son is still having his laundry done, his favourite meal cooked and the fridge filled with cola and iced tea.

What do you do then?
In such cases, I try to support the parents in limiting these services. At the same time, communication with the young person should be sought and intensified via all channels - including text messages and emails if they refuse to talk. This allows parents to communicate, even if there is no response from the young person. This can also be done with the support of other people close to the adolescent. In this way, the young person concerned realises that more and more people are finding out about their situation and want to change something. Perhaps relatives and friends all come together and discuss how they can help together. Through all these steps, the parents' attitude becomes clearer - and the young person realises that things can't go on like this. Usually something then moves and changes.
You say that many parents today are afraid to mirror unacceptable behaviour to their children or to forbid them to do something.
Yes - because they often don't have a clear line of their own. When the teenager comes home and says that everyone else is allowed to go to the party and party until the morning, it unsettles many parents. Instead of staying calm and saying: «Please give me four phone numbers of parents who supposedly allow their children to do this. I would like to speak to them.» Unfortunately, parents often hardly ever talk to other mums and dads. That's a shame. And they certainly don't talk about their difficulties with their children - for fear of being seen as incompetent parents. Yet this dialogue would be very important, not least to work on and deepen their own parenting skills. But it's also a phenomenon of our time: people don't discuss their problems with others, preferring instead, for example, to plunge into the internet and look for solutions there.

Why is it so difficult to be a «good mum» or a «good dad»?
The expectations that parents have of themselves are often very high. They want to be perfect and implicitly expect gratitude from their children. It therefore makes sense to scrutinise these expectations. For example: When small children start eating porridge, there are mothers for whom it is enormously important to prepare the best and healthiest porridge for the baby themselves. And what does the child do? It smears the porridge in its hair, plays with the food, empties the plate and so on. And what does all this do to the mother? Disappointment! She takes the child's behaviour personally because all her efforts have been in vain. I see similar things with parents of teenagers: the mother comes home after working all day, went shopping on the way home, didn't allow herself a break, and then her teenagers sit lazily on the sofa and don't even help her unpack the shopping bags. No thanks, no appreciation. Yet it is the mother's expectation of herself to do so much, not the children's expectation of their mother. And so the poor woman finally goes into the kitchen in frustration and once again does everything on her own.

«Many parents don't talk about problems with their children for fear of being seen as incompetent.»

Parent counsellor Rochelle Allebes

And what does this disappointed expectation on the part of the mother do to the children?
Nothing! As I said, the youngsters didn't expect their mother to do all this and take it upon herself. From their point of view, there is a mother in front of them who does one thing above all: grumble! The children sit in front of the television and want their peace and quiet. I know that from my own experience with our sons. But if you suddenly change something, it can make a big difference ...
... you tell me!
When my sons were still teenagers, I would sit down on the sofa with them in a situation like this and say: «I've worked all day, I'm tired now, I've also done the shopping and now I want to retire for an hour to listen to music or read. The full shopping bags are there, you can unpack them in the meantime. If you don't do anything, there won't be any dinner later. Then we'll just eat bread and cheese.» I wasn't grumbling, I was telling my sons how I felt and what I wanted them to do.
And you should follow through with that and not prepare a three-course meal after all ...
... yes. And that's where the problem often lies: it takes a lot of strength for parents to stick with it, to be consistent. And that's why they continue to offer the service, but harbour an unspoken frustration.
What advice do you have for parents of younger children who don't want to get dressed in the morning, for example, and in the end the mum does it so that the child isn't late for nursery?
If the child is basically able to dress themselves but just doesn't want to do it, you can say to them, for example: «Look, if you don't get dressed, then you'll go to nursery in your pyjamas!» Maybe you put the clothes in a bag and give them to them. It is important to speak to the nursery school teacher beforehand so that she knows that the child may turn up in pyjamas at nursery school in the morning over the next few days. And I can assure you that most children don't want to appear in pyjamas in front of their classmates more than once! However, this requires a certain amount of composure and steadfastness when the neighbours call you a raven mother who sends her poor child to nursery in pyjamas ...
So it's all about the parents' clear attitude and line.
Yes - I can give you another personal example: Our son had a phase in which he socialised with young people from very wealthy families. It impressed him because they got a lot of money from their parents and could throw parties in their villas with swimming pools. That's when he started questioning us as to why we didn't have a better car or nicer furniture. We said quite clearly that we understood his fascination with the world of his rich colleagues, but that we not only had less money, but also other priorities in life. I also explained to him that these young people were often fobbed off with lots of money and presents because their parents had little time for them. Our stance was clear. Parents are primarily responsible for standards and values, not peers. Incidentally, a few years later, the son I mentioned bought all his clothes in the SBB's treasure trove; so some problems solve themselves with composure ...

Personal details
Rochelle Allebes, 64, is a qualified clinical social worker and systemic therapist. Born in the Netherlands, she worked as a counsellor at «Elternnotruf» for 22 years. She now works in her own practice as a couple and family therapist and supervisor. She is the mother of two sons, 27 and 23.