Mrs Aklin, why do many children today lack respect?

Mrs Aklin, you work with young people who were so resistant that they were expelled from school. What is the reason for their resistance?

It is a consequence of the fact that these young people did not develop the skills that are important in life in the course of their development: for example, being able to defer a reward or assess the consequences of their own actions. This is not a problem of a particular social class: most adults bring up their children according to an outdated model.

Namely?

To give children a sense of security and love, a nest from which they can develop self-esteem, confidence and their abilities. However, this alone is no longer enough today. We live in times of rapid development and the demands on people are becoming ever greater. I know that nobody likes to hear it, but the gap is widening.

Which scissors do you mean?

The gulf is widening between those who can make something of the opportunities offered by the modern world and those who are overwhelmed by them.

What does that mean?

More and more people are losing focus, drowning in the flood of opportunities we face every day - because they haven't learnt to prioritise and make decisions. We need to teach our children this.

What skills does a person need to be able to hold their own in this increasingly complex world?

As a parent, make a list of them for all I care - but ask yourself this question. Most parents are overwhelmed because they don't think about what they want their parenting to achieve.

How do they orientate themselves?

They orientate themselves on what they themselves experienced as a child, or alternatively take the opposite as a model, looking a little to the left and right in the hope of securing the best place by the fire for their own child. The problem is that there is no plan. I'm not saying that we as parents can be prepared for everything. But we should know what we want to achieve with our parenting. Imagine someone running a company without a plan ...

Are you comparing a family with a commercial enterprise?

Running a company means always looking ahead and asking yourself what it will take for this company to continue to flourish in the future and not go under. Why don't we also ask ourselves this question in relation to our children? After all, it is our job to prepare them for what awaits them out there. Today, parents are in demand as leaders.

What characterises them as such?

The fact that they are up to date. I need to know what my child is up to, what WhatsApp, Instagram and so on are. I think the claim that our children, as digital natives, are superior to us in these matters is pure convenience. What I want to say is that a leader doesn't just set rules, but leads the way, shows the way. Otherwise they are not credible. However, this requires parents to be committed, and we adults have a hard time with that.

Why?

Because it's too attractive to keep all our options open. I also coach parents and I often experience this there. For example, there are parents who allow their five-year-old daughter to take ballet lessons. When I ask them why they do this, they reply that sport is good. But what does the child learn for life if her parents pack her bag every Wednesday and chauffeur her to class? I asked whether the girl wouldn't get more out of not going to ballet until she was seven.

Would that be better in your opinion?

Yes, that way the girl could learn to walk on her own. But she would have to take the bus and change buses once, her father replied. My suggestion to practise it together didn't go down too well. It would take too much time, and the father could use it in other ways. But what does this decision mean for him as a leader?

Tell us.

She exposes him. You know, I understand his dilemma, I practised driving the bus myself for weeks with one of my sons, and it wasn't as if I had nothing else to do. But if we adults are not committed to making binding commitments, how can we expect commitment from children? Then the child will only do one course instead of three, but it will get more out of it than pure fun. And to come back to practising driving the bus together: Children see the effort we put into such activities, even if they don't always realise it. This is how we parents secure their recognition as leaders.

You always talk about leadership, not authority?

In principle, it's one and the same. I prefer to say take the lead, because exercising authority is unfortunately often confused with authoritarian behaviour that relies on intimidation, blind role thinking and abuse of power: Because I'm an adult, I call the shots and the child has to parry. Sooner or later, this kind of arbitrary rule leads to fierce resistance. This applies to all abuses of power, which incidentally do not only manifest themselves in violence or intimidation.

What are you thinking about?

Abuse of power can be very subtle. I'll give you an example, this time from a mother whose 15-year-old son calls her after he has finished his weekly tutoring session to prepare for grammar school. The mum immediately praises him effusively for making the effort and sacrificing his free afternoon, and asserts that they are really proud of him.

What's wrong with that?

This exaggerated praise may be well-intentioned, but it subliminally signals to the child: If I don't do what is asked of me, it will turn into the opposite, and then pride will be in short supply. That's a form of abuse of power. I don't think the mother was aware of this, she probably just wants the best for her child, to be competitive. The problem is that more and more adults are plagued by some form of existential angst. It may relate to the job, which is constantly changing, the worsening housing situation in cities, which requires daily commuting for many. In short, many adults are simply overwhelmed by developments. And the more overwhelmed we are, the more blatant the means to which we resort tend to be - this usually has nothing to do with careful consideration.

Read more:

In our issue 3 / March 2019 , we focus on the topic of authority - you can order the issue online!

• Erwünschtes Verhalten zu belohnen, sei Machtmissbrauch, sagt Jesper Juul
  
• Wie man richtig lobt, zeigt Fabian Grolimund in unserer Videoserie «Mit Kindern lernen»