Mr Wendl, how does a family succeed despite a long-distance relationship?
Mr Wendl, we live and work in an increasingly globalised world. Is the number of families living in long-distance relationships increasing?
There are no concrete figures, but what has definitely increased is the willingness to commute, as digital communication media such as Skype or FaceTime make it possible to take part in each other's everyday lives even over a great distance and see each other in real time. Today, it is therefore a matter of course to be able to live in both locations and still have a family.
What advice would you give to parents who choose this lifestyle?
There are three basic rules to follow. Firstly, the couple should clarify whether it makes sense for both of them to live in two different places during the week. For example, if the father currently only has a job offer with such an interesting job description in Zurich and the mother does not want to miss the proximity to her parents in Stuttgart because of the children, this model makes sense for both of them and they can cope more easily with the stresses and strains of a long-distance relationship. In addition, the time horizon should be clarified after two years at the latest: How are we doing? How long do we want to live and work like this? And last but not least, both partners must be able to live a fulfilling everyday life on their own during the week. If one of us feels like a permanent loser, this life model is very likely doomed to failure.
That makes sense, but it also applies to childless couples in a long-distance relationship. What is so special about families?
The construct becomes many times more complex. For childless couples, the aim is to make the best of the situation despite the distance and little time together. When children are added to the mix, it's mainly about damage limitation.
That sounds dramatic.
How dramatic this is varies from case to case. There is no scientific evidence that the relationship between father and children necessarily suffers. What is certain, however, is that fathers would do well to actively participate in everyday family life during the week via telephone or Skype. Anyone who takes the time to enquire about the result of his son's class work on Tuesday evening will have time for other topics on Saturday. Of course, the older the children are, the easier this exchange is. The quality of the weekend is therefore not decided at the weekend itself, but during the week - just like the quality of the relationship between father and children.
Nevertheless, the expectations for the weekend are extremely high in these families.
Sure. There are the expectations of time as a couple, the needs of the children, and last but not least, you also need time just for yourself. Not an easy balancing act. You should talk about it: Who needs what, and how much of it can I give? Children also understand that parents want to spend time together when it's their turn again. Everyone needs the weekend as the core time of the family, as a quality time when dad is really there.
More on the topic of family at a distance / flexibility at work:
- Family at a distance - how does it work? Two fathers take stock.
- Even those who decide against distance but in favour of flexibility don't necessarily have an easy life. Our parenting blogger tells us what it's like to constantly relocate for work as a family.
