Mr Juul, why is conflict important?

In times when parental authority has become obsolete, mothers and fathers need to communicate their norms and values clearly. Family therapist Jesper Juul reveals how this can be done and, above all, when the time is right.

Mr Juul, there used to be such a thing as the parental word of authority. What father and mother said was the law. Children more or less obeyed clear rules.

Yes - in times when rules still worked. There was a consensus in our society when it came to values and most families had the same rules. Today, this unity of rules and values no longer exists and most children are not afraid of adults.

Certainly a positive development. But what has taken its place?

First of all, the idea of parental guidance has hardly changed in over a century. It has only modernised and democratised; for example, parents today give their children more freedom. What we all want - including the children, by the way - is for the values that parents and schools define as good for the family and its members to be respected. This also applies to the personal boundaries defined by parents. To achieve this, two things are needed: leadership qualities and parents who are trustworthy role models.

Jesper Juul is the most famous family therapist in Europe. He is an author and father of an adult son. Juul lives in Denmark. He regularly writes advice columns for the Swiss parenting magazine Fritz+Fränzi.

In your opinion, what do parents most often do wrong when they get into conflicts with their children?

Many parents do not communicate their values early enough and thus deny their children the opportunity to feel involved. Parents don't take the time to talk about the values they want to pass on to their children and how they want to show and exemplify them. This can be prevented in this way - but please not during or immediately after a conflict: «Do you remember when I was annoyed because you didn't want to tidy up your Lego bricks? I thought about it and realised that we never told you what behaviour we think is important and right in our family. You're not a baby anymore, and it's time for you to do some things yourself and help us sometimes when we ask.»

What effect will such a statement have on my child?

They will forget the exact content of this conversation, but not the feeling of being included as an equal partner. In this way, parents can set rules and at the same time define the tone in which future conflicts will be resolved. This is the difference between modern leadership and an outdated culture of obedience. There is nothing to discuss about the rule - all family members must contribute to the well-being of the family - but the way of living by it can be negotiated.

Is it possible to argue «properly»?

For me, that means arguing in such a way that the personal integrity of the other person is not violated. That is definitely possible. But the way most of us grew up, it takes a lot of practice - even though it's actually simple. First-person messages are important. For example, «I hate it when you ignore me» is better received by the other person than «You never listen to me!».

«If you bury your feelings, you bury them alive. They live on uncontrollably inside.»

Jesper Juul

Now there are many people who prefer to avoid arguments.

Hiding your feelings or being politically correct is not the solution. The other person feels the hidden emotions, and this is particularly dangerous with children because they are left to their imagination, which they always turn against themselves in a negative way. You have to be aware of this: If you bury your feelings, you bury them alive. They live on uncontrollably inside. In social contacts, which are not so important, this doesn't matter, but in close, personal relationships it matters all the more.

Let's argue - our dossier in March 17

This is a text from our large dossier on the subject of disputes and conflicts in families. Order our magazine now and read 20 pages on the topic.