Mr Juul, do boys go through puberty differently to girls?
Mr Juul, it is said that puberty is a time of crisis. Is that true?
Yes, this is the case in our culture. In other cultures, this stage of age and development is even celebrated. These years are a critical phase of life - at least according to psychological facts. This phase is critical for both children and parents. They not only have to rethink their role as parents, but also as adults or partners. How intense and dramatic puberty turns out to be depends to a large extent on how we face up to this task.
For whom is this time more difficult: for parents or children?
There is no general answer to this question. For some teenagers, puberty is not very difficult or painful. For others, it is exactly that. Puberty depends on many factors. However, there is no doubt that the quality of the relationship between parents and child before puberty is a decisive factor. The greater the trust and ability for dialogue between them, the easier it will be for both.
Does puberty end at some point? And how can you tell?
Puberty is an independent psychosexual development with an individual timing. The maturation of the body and sexuality are the determining factors and are difficult for outsiders to evaluate. However, when we talk about the behaviour of teenagers and by this we mean behaviour that is characterised by self-reflection, introversion and a willingness to engage in conflict, the phenomenon of puberty sometimes never ends. The process of growing up sometimes pauses, only to start all over again later. In crisis situations, for example, in extremely stressful situations, when exhausted or seriously ill. Many adults are, if you like, immature.
The quality of the relationship between parents and child before puberty is crucial.
Do boys go through puberty differently to girls?
No, not really. Over the past twenty years, girls have become more self-confident and less submissive. Their ability to relate to and resolve conflicts with adult authorities has come closer to that of men.
How much does puberty have to do with hormones?
Puberty is hormones! Pubescent behaviour, which we adults often find difficult, can be caused by hormones, as is the case with PMS, menstruation or menopause in women or the midlife crisis in men. But as with adults, children's personal well-being and emotions depend very much on the quality of their closest relationships.
Why do pubescent children think you can't talk to adults?
Because most children have learnt that adults don't listen to them and don't want to learn anything about them. This applies not only to parents, but also to teachers. Adolescents find that adults tend to lecture them or respond with standard phrases such as: 'That's typical for your age! Grow up! It's just hormones! Teenagers want to be taken seriously. Incidentally, they have this experience in common with thousands of women.
It would be advisable to marvel and rejoice at how far the child has come
In what way?
When women express their opinions, they are often told that their hormones are probably to blame. Or that they are mentally unbalanced, caused by those same hormones. In the end, women have also given up and instead tear themselves apart in self-criticism.
Suddenly you're no longer mummy dearest, but a stupid cow. What's the best way to react to such comments?
You tell the children that you don't like being called that and invite them to talk about what really upsets them. It is generally very advisable not to be bothered by the form of their comments, the content is, as so often, much more important. Many teenagers feel they are in a kind of prison, a prison made up of rules, boundaries and knowing better. So they need a certain dynamite to get out of it. Not very wise, but it makes sense to them.
Are there actually children who get through puberty without much ado?
The relationship between teenagers and their parents has improved greatly in many families, at least compared to the last generation. More and more parents are realising that each benefits from the other when they try to understand what kind of personality the child is about to become - instead of spending all their energy on secretly trying to shape it into what they want it to be.
The best advice you can give parents for this time?
Stop worrying! Enjoy your children. And take comfort in the thought that children still need you, even when they are going through stormy times and painful experiences. And just like us parents, children want to feel valuable.
And the best advice for the children?
If you want your parents to leave you alone and trust you, demand it - but gently. Or at least try.
How do I recognise that I really trust my child?
The best way to measure parental trust is to look at your own need for control. Traditional parents see it as their duty to control their own children. Not because of a lack of trust, but because of the way they see themselves. Children then very often have to lie in order to fulfil this role and survive. Other parents, on the other hand, tend to worry constantly and use these worries as an opportunity to control their teenagers. Their children also feel compelled to lie in order to protect themselves from all the parental worry. Parents who have built up a fundamental trust in their children in the first twelve years have no need to control them. They are aware of their child's competence. They rely on empathy. They feel when something is wrong and offer their support of their own free will. Of course, the parental need for control depends very much on the local living situation. But it is not acceptable for parents to use all dangers outside the home as an excuse to control the child socially. It would be advisable to sit back a little, look at the child and marvel at how far it has developed.
So puberty is a phase of self-discovery for parents and children?
If you like, yes. Parents should try to do a bit of soul-searching during this time and find out whether the children trust you. Not so that the child simply follows what you tell them. But so that they know that you are doing the best possible thing for them. Without this trust, everyone will be unhappy.
Jesper Juul, how do you remember your own adolescence?
Those were terrible and lonely years in which I had to lie a lot because my parents didn't want to understand and recognise who I was. When I was 16, I was lucky enough to be able to go to sea. That gave me the distance I needed to mature.
And what did you do differently with your son than your parents?
I was lucky there too. When my son reached his teenage years, I was a newly qualified family therapist. So I knew a bit about what was best not to do. Another stroke of luck was that my son went to a school 30 kilometres away from home. So most of his social life was spent outside his parents' sphere of control.
