Mr Hüther, how do children learn inspiration?

A Tuesday lunchtime in Stuttgart. Taxis, buses, the rain drives hurrying passers-by before them. The Althoff Hotel am Schlossgarten is just a few steps away from the train station, the lobby is decorated in warm brown tones, cosy armchairs, subdued lighting - pleasantly warm and dry. A tall man steps through the revolving door, water droplets roll off his trench coat and sink into the burgundy carpet. He smiles and holds out his hand: «Gerald Hüther, where would you like to sit?»

Mr Hüther, you said that «the age of the lone wolf in the world of work is over». What skills and abilities do parents need to teach their children so that they can later be successful and happy in their professional lives?
A lot is changing in companies. There are still companies that rely on whips and incentives to achieve short-term goals, but I also see many that are seriously focussing on a culture of relationships. Companies where employees have a say in their own pay, where managers give part of their bonuses to their team, where employees are empowered, independent and creative. This new world of work is growing rapidly, it is the future. Unfortunately, I realise that parents are not raising their children according to these new standards.
What then?
According to the values and educational methods that they themselves experienced in their own childhood and youth. Parents today are under much more pressure than their own parents were back then.

What do you mean by that?
On the one hand, children have become much more important and have therefore become the focus of parental endeavours. On the other hand, parents are aware of the high competitive pressure that prevails in our meritocracy and the need to guide children well through our education system so that they can find their place later on. When I was a child, my parents had other things to do than constantly worry about my progress. As a result, not only has the importance of children grown, but also the fear of parents that things won't work out. It's a very precarious mixture that tempts you - perhaps against your better judgement - to fall back on tried and tested parenting principles that you yourself experienced in your childhood.

«Children have become much more important today and have therefore become the focus of parental endeavours.»

Brain researcher Gerald Hüther

What are the consequences of this parenting style from a neuronal perspective?
What interests me as a brain researcher, and what should also interest all parents, is what framework conditions and parenting styles a child needs to be able to fully utilise its entire neuronal potential. We now know that genetic predispositions do not determine how the billions of nerve cells in the brain network with each other after birth. Rather, it is the experiences that a child has over time that determine which of these nerve cell networks are stabilised, which are retained and which atrophy. By projecting their own desires, wishes and expectations onto their children, parents can ruin their brains in the course of their development.

What would have a positive impact on brain development instead?
A loving, open and motivating environment that inspires children to courageously conquer the world. Because every new discovery, every new realisation and ability triggers a storm of enthusiasm in children's brains that is almost incomprehensible to us adults. This enthusiasm about themselves and about all that is yet to be discovered is the most important fuel for further brain development. However, anyone who denies their child the opportunity to experience their self-efficacy and instead constantly tells them what to do, making them the object of their own ideas, is nipping this enthusiasm in the bud.
The child as an object - what does that mean?
In the first weeks and months of life, a baby only needs to smile at its mother to receive authentic feedback. The mother beams. This happens immediately, without judgement. The mother meets the child as a subject. It doesn't have to make an effort. It simply happens on its own, which creates an irrepressible desire in the child to try out step by step what it can still discover and create.
But at some point, not every one of his actions triggers delight in his mother, some things annoy or annoy ...
... and should be stopped because of her own values. However, the moment we no longer enter into an encounter with the child, in which we try to find out together with the child what is good for them, but simply tell them what to do, we make them the object of our own judgements and evaluations. That is dressage.

At what age does this happen?
It's impossible to say exactly. But one thing is certain: if it happened immediately after birth, the child would die. Experiments with monkeys have proven this. If the infant lacks the authentic reaction of the other person, it lacks any basis for life. The decisive moment is when a child feels for the first time that it is being objectified, that it should not be the way it is, but must - in order to be loved - behave in the way its parents imagine and desire. This is a very painful experience.

«Children need a loving and open environment that inspires them to courageously conquer the world.»

Brain researcher Gerald Hüther

With what consequences?
A child who is repeatedly objectified basically only has two options: The more extroverted children, who have had a lot of creative freedom up to this moment, step out of the bond and make the other person an object too, they say to themselves «stupid mum». It no longer hurts that way. Some children internalise this strategy to such an extent that they use others only for themselves and push them around for the rest of their lives. Sometimes they are even very successful at it.
And the introverted children?
They make themselves the object of judgement, telling themselves «I can't do anything», «I'm not worth anything». An attitude that often leads to self-destructive behaviour such as bulimia during puberty.
Monday morning, 7.30 am: The parents have to go to work, the children have to go to school and are dawdling around. A classic situation in which most parents tend to tell their children what to do.
Why doesn't the mum say at 7 a.m. that everyone has to leave the house in half an hour, but only just before the bus leaves? Then the children would have the freedom to decide for themselves when to pack their school bags and put on their shoes. In their interaction with their mother, the child must have the feeling that they can organise things themselves, that they have room to manoeuvre.

A clear «no» is out of the question?
This parenting style involves a clear «no» - parents must remain in the leadership role, but they should provide their child with all the space he or she needs to feel seen as a subject. In other words: the child must become a co-creator of a process, only in this way can they develop true enthusiasm and dedication for something and learn. You can't get anywhere with training strategies.
Do you have a concrete example of this?
Learning a musical instrument is a classic case where most families sooner or later become frustrated. At some point, your daughter comes home and wants to learn to play the piano. As a mother, you would do well to ask her why she wants to do this. Perhaps she only wants to because her best friend has recently started taking lessons. In that case, you should invite your child to join you at concerts to get to know other instruments and experience the full variety.
And what if she really wants to play the oboe afterwards?
Then make your daughter aware of what it means to practise every week and that the day will probably come when she would rather go to her friend's house. Ask your daughter what you should do in such a case. She may agree to do the washing up in that case. Then draw up a contract together in which this is recorded and hang it over the music stand.
This way, the daughter would have helped to organise the situation.
And there would be no arguments in an emergency. As a mum, you don't have to enforce practising through rewards or bribes or under threat of punishment - your procedure is contractually regulated. And your daughter has written down what should happen if this happens.
You compare this basic educational approach with a new management style from the business world, «supportive leadership».
This approach also sees a manager in a stronger position than the employee, but this manager is not there to order the employee around and dominate them, but rather to invite or encourage them to try something new, to take responsibility in order to get the best out of themselves. This is a genuine subject-subject relationship and exactly what parents should do in parenting if they want to promote the positive development of their children.

Parents as managers, what would that look like in everyday family life?
On the one hand, it's about inviting your children to do something new every day, to experience something. On the other hand, it's about encouraging your child. But you have to be courageous yourself. And I'm not talking about the courage it takes to jump off a 10-metre tower, but the courage to believe that your child will become something without me constantly «accompanying» them, that there is something in them. And last but not least, it's about inspiration. This is the fuel from which new things are created. Things that simply have to be done are not inspiring. Of course, the washing up has to be done together, but then it's about discovering the world in a playful way. Incidentally, this is best done in the great outdoors.
This may work better for a 10-year-old than a 15-year-old.
Sure, it's a bit late to start with a teenager who only sits in front of the games console all day. But as a parent, I can also ask myself: Have I invited my son sufficiently? Have I really encouraged him? How can I inspire him to perhaps do something different with me? This is more promising than simply pulling the plug.
Do you have any other advice?
My biggest tip for parents is to make other adults accessible to their children and thus give them a different experience. Grandparents, the football coach, a neighbour: the more people a child gets to know, the greater the chance that there will be someone among them who sees them for who they are and loves them for themselves. With these people, the child has the opportunity to develop openly and realise their full potential. Just like Pippi Longstocking, she corresponds exactly to this model.
Pippi Longstocking is a great personality, wild and wilful - but the terror of many parents.
However, she is imaginative, self-reliant, enterprising and enthusiastic. Pippi Longstocking has an incredible amount of potential. I think it would be more fun for parents to have a child like that than one who only ever conforms to their ideas and guidelines until they end up disliking themselves.

About the person

Prof. Dr Gerald Hüther, 64, is one of Germany's leading neurobiologists, author and research associate at the Centre for Psychosocial Medicine at the University of Göttingen. Gerald Hüther is the father of three grown-up children, has one grandchild and lives in Göttingen, Germany. www.gerald-huether.de