Mary Gordon: «We are emotionally illiterate»
Mrs Gordon, in «Roots of Empathy», babies are supposed to teach pupils about compassion. Why babies in particular?
Because it is so easy for children to recognise the humanity and vulnerability of a baby. With the help of the trainers, who reflect on their experience with the pupils, the children then find the humanity within themselves. And the essence of this humanity is compassion. There is no better example of compassion than the bond between parent and baby.
Do children with younger siblings have a head start when it comes to empathy?
Not necessarily. It's not enough to have a baby around, you have to study it. For example, you look at the baby's hands and talk about them: Are they loose and open or clenched into a fist? And what does that mean? And the facial expression? In these lessons, we look at whether it is more extroverted or introverted. The children recognise themselves in this and learn that every temperament is okay.
«There is no better example of compassion than the bond between parent and child.»
Mary Gordon
But when I think of compassion, I also think of communication, listening, understanding mixed feelings. These are things that you can't learn by observing a baby.
It's great that you're already thinking that far ahead! However, the first thing is to see and understand the feelings of the other person. We live in a society of emotional illiterates. We can't read how others feel and often can't even express what we feel ourselves. And precisely because the baby cannot speak, walk and so on, the children can learn to recognise the emotional signs with the baby.
How did we become «emotionally illiterate»?
Our technology takes us to the moon and we can make contact over long distances within seconds. But our ability to connect on an emotional level is not particularly well developed. I wouldn't say it's worse now than it used to be, but it's just never been a priority in our education system.
You invented «Roots of Empathy» almost 20 years ago - was there a trigger?
There was a key moment when I was working with teenage mums. I was visiting a young mum with a toddler and a newborn. Her boyfriend had hit her. She had a cut below her eyebrow from the broken glasses. And I thought: This creates a vicious circle of violence that will last for generations. Where can we break this cycle? Her boyfriend had no empathy. He couldn't understand what she was feeling. And she couldn't protect her children. She had grown up in a violent home herself. I realised that all people who become violent, especially in cases of domestic violence, have no empathy. My idea is that we need the example of a safe and loving bond between mother and child so that every child can see what love looks like, how vulnerable a baby is, how valuable parenthood is.
How many children need to take part in «Roots of Empathy» for our society to become more peaceful, as you are aiming for?
We believe that if a third of Swiss pupils took part in «Roots of Empathy» once during their school career, it could change the perception of an entire country. Studies and our experience on three continents prove that empathy really can develop through this encounter between loving parents and babies. Even the brain changes! And the development of empathy can be observed in school lessons. For example, when the baby takes its first step and the pupils spontaneously burst into tears of joy.
They have met the Dalai Lama several times and spoken to him about their programme.
Oh yes, he really understood that with an increasing level of empathy, the aggression in the world also disappears. He believes that motherhood is something very special and had a very good relationship with his mum. I know from his brother that he also had a great father - but His Holiness doesn't talk about his father (laughs).
Perhaps this is because fathers are rarely mentioned in your programme?
Today's fathers are fantastic, they see it as part of their job and their joy to raise children. That's a huge change. But there are actually more mothers taking part in the programme with their babies - sometimes couples come together. Men and women deal with the baby a little differently - both lovingly, but in their own way. The school children are often very excited when the father is there. It's a great way to show fathers as heroes.
How can parents ensure that their children develop compassion?
Parents are the most important teachers - for life. But what they do is more important than what they say. When parents act empathetically, this becomes deeply embedded in children's brains - because they have a strong connection to their parents. The prerequisite for this is that parents share their experiences with their children. Even the sentence: «I was so happy at work today because I made a new friend at lunch» opens up the parents' emotional world to the children - and encourages them to share their own feelings. But they only do it when we start. Don't ask your children what they have learnt at school, but tell them what disappointed you today. Your child will be amazed that you feel the same way, that you are not so perfect.
«When parents act empathetically, it becomes deeply rooted in the children's brains.»
Mary Gordon
How do you do this in your family?
My two children are grown up. But this morning I spoke to my four-year-old granddaughter on the phone. She wanted to know if I was sad because my husband wasn't there at the moment. And I told her: «Yes, I was very lonely last night.» She didn't know the word «lonely» yet, so I explained it to her. And she said: «It's like when you go out to play and nobody wants to play - you're lonely too.» We are all capable of feeling something like that, but talking about it makes us vulnerable and less perfect. It's good when our children are allowed to recognise us like this.
Read more:
- Wie entwickeln Kinder Empathie?
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