«Like running a marathon - but with no prospect of recovery»

The balancing act between work and family brought our author to the edge of her resilience. Since she broke free from the dependency of being an employee, she has gained more than anything else: Time, money and quality of life - her third baby has now been born.

I don't know what ultimately tipped the scales. Was it the conversation with my doctor that I couldn't get out of my head? «Are you looking after your children and the household on your own or are you supported by your husband?» she asked during a routine examination. «If not - quit your job and don't look for another one until your youngest son is at school. Otherwise you'll drop from exhaustion at some point.» Wait a minute! Somehow I had the feeling I hadn't realised something. «Me, at home? Is that supposed to be an emancipated life?» I wanted to say, but I kept quiet. Was my current situation «emancipated»? This rushing between daycare and the office? This tension that felt like running a marathon, but with no prospect of recovery?

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A few days after this conversation, I handed in my notice. Perhaps it was also the standard in the office where I was employed as a communications officer: with the new boss, this level dropped noticeably. I was annoyed to work for a superior who was unable to write an email himself but insisted on being addressed as Mr Doctor. Once when I was chatting to him in the corridor, he abruptly cut the conversation short because he had to go to a meeting with «important people». He handed me his fountain pen, very old school, and asked me to take it back to his office. Of course I obeyed. But let's be honest: would he ask a man to do the same?

«Me, at home? Is that supposed to be an emancipated life?»

Sibylle Stillhart, journalist and mother of three children

My efforts to juggle my job and family were increasingly pushing me to the edge of my limits. I felt torn between two worlds that repelled each other. I also felt like I wasn't doing my children or my employer justice - even though I was on my feet from dawn to dusk. It started in the morning when I came into the office after nine o'clock and only got annoyed looks from my colleagues. The unspoken rule was: the first one in the office is the hardest worker. As a mother of two small children, I was the eternal loser in this competition that everyone seemed to follow.
My memories of that time are still very vivid: The day starts at half past five in the morning. At this time, my three-year-old son demands his bottle - so loudly that his little brother wakes up too. I rush into the kitchen, dead tired, warm the milk, change the baby, put on the coffee and make breakfast. At half past eight I'm at the front door with the two boys. Despite the sub-zero temperatures, I'm soaked in sweat because I left the pacifier in the flat and had to dig the Playmobil gun out from under the bed beforehand. The flat looks as if a hurricane has raged through it: the breakfast dishes are under the table, a thousand Playmobil pieces are scattered all over the floor. Finally at nursery, the big boy is crying. I comfort him and promise to pick him up early in the evening. Feeling clammy, I say goodbye to my children and run to the tram that will take me to the office.

«As a mother of two small children, I was the eternal loser in this competition that everyone seemed to be orientated towards.»

Sibylle Stillhart

It's now almost four years since I freed myself from my dependency as an employee. The stress has been swept away. Today, I work as a freelance journalist and author while the children attend daycare or after-school care on two days a week. As a freelancer, I now have the freedom to organise my own working hours: Which not only benefits me, but the whole family. I can easily react if a child falls ill, and it's not a disaster that my children, who are now of school age, have 13 weeks of holidays. Even my husband benefits: Of course, he still has a guilty conscience when he has to work at the weekend or the office day lasts well into the night. Nevertheless, our family situation has now eased so much that we have decided to have a third child - something I would never have been able to do as an employee. Baby Antonin was born a year ago.
I now earn much less than I used to. But strangely enough, we still have the same amount of money available as before: taxes have fallen, as have childcare costs, which have been adjusted to the new income. What has remained is the disillusionment: working mothers do not have the same opportunities on the labour market as working fathers. I am amazed at how hard-working mothers are in their part-time jobs - but it is their male colleagues who are promoted. Even if women often work more efficiently in their part-time jobs, they are paid less and have fewer opportunities for promotion. Since I broke away from my employer, the main things we have gained as a family are a wonderful baby, time, money and my book, which has now been published.

This text was published as part of our dossier on reconciling work and family life. Read all the texts in issue 11/16, which you can order here.
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Wie vereinbare ich Familie und Job? 5 Tipps für Eltern
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