«Letting go makes me terribly sentimental»

Mr Weiler, your daughter is 17 years old. Is puberty over?

Nope! Carla turns 18 in September, but we're still here. Oh God. Does this time take so long? Yes. So with the boys, until they're 22. I've heard that. So it doesn't happen that quickly.

But is it getting better?

With my daughter, the conversations are a little quieter and she is prepared to make more concessions. But there are still some really pubescent topics. It starts with hygiene and how to actually live in a room like this. I don't think it's great when there are rotten latte macchiato glasses and half-empty juice bottles lying around. But on the whole, it's gradually becoming more pleasant.

Your son is 13 and you have two teenagers. How do you survive that?

Well, that's no heroic deed. There are people who have five children! It's easier with the second child, especially as it's a boy. There aren't any big discussions. He does more with himself, does a lot of sport. It was completely different with my daughter.

Have you ever bought a guidebook?

No, never. We are not advice parents. We only have one book: «Every child can learn to sleep».

You say that you are a terribly inconsistent father.

Yes, totally. I'm a master at threatening, though. I've probably already withdrawn pocket money until 2098 and cancelled computer time for several thousand years without having any effect.

Threats and punishments do not work with adolescents.

No. But I have found out what really helps and how you can really hit a puberty: Visit the friends' party, drink beer from the flask and shout across the garden, «What a groovy shindig here!» - and the puberty will withdraw into itself, howling with shame.

In the evening at the reading, Weiler imitates a conversation with his daughter about the fact that Carla has to do a presentation for school the next day, but hasn't written a line yet. The father (i.e. Weiler) then does. The audience roars. Even the many teenagers in the hall.

Some parents think you are a second Jesper Juul.

I don't know why either. There is no training programme for parents with a certificate as a qualified parent. Everyone has to find their own way and try to do as much as possible right or at least learn from their mistakes. I've also had moments when I've been unfair, shouted around or wanted to impose my values at all costs and babbled at the children.

You have been on a reading tour for months.

When was the last time you saw your pubescent pets? Two days ago. But we've spoken on the phone and texted. So I'm reasonably up to date.

I thought that when you hit puberty, you don't want to know anything more about your parents.

Yes, it's very changeable. There are times when we don't have much contact, like when there's been an argument or something. But on the whole, I'm in good contact with Carla in particular. With my son Nick, on the other hand, the one-word phase is just beginning.

But he's into games, isn't he?

Among other things. We had a really nice afternoon the other day. I had seen the film «Mr Hobbs goes on holiday» some time ago. Do you know that film?

No. What's that about?

This Mr Hobbs is annoyed that his son is always sitting in front of the TV watching westerns. At some point, he sits down next to it and gets really excited about the western. I thought about that because there are lots of things that my son does that I have no idea about or that I think are daft. So I wanted to find out more. First we watched his VfL Wolfsburg line-up on the Playstation, then he showed me his favourite film, a Swedish action trash film in which someone flies back in time to kill Hitler. Total rubbish, but I thought it was very funny. Then he explained his favourite game «League of Legends» to me, his character and how the game works. That was nice for him because he had the feeling that I was interested. And I found it really exciting too.

You are travelling a lot. What is it like for your family?

I'm not there for five months a year. That's great for me of course, I can do what I want and am only consulted if something is particularly good or particularly bad. But my wife has to manage everything on her own at home. No one has ever complained, but sometimes it's difficult. When the children were younger, I also missed a lot in a week or two. Now they're older, things don't change that much when I'm not there.

When I read your columns, I always think that everything is so relaxed with Jan Weiler. Do you ever shout?

Of course there are and have been arguments and loud shouting. But that's not the subject of my column. Because everyone knows that puberty is difficult and a very serious thing. I don't want to discuss these things because I don't want people to sit in front of my book and cry. I want them to have the feeling that it's exactly the same elsewhere as it is in their own lives, and that you can make it work by trying to laugh about it together.

And what Jan Weiler writes about puberty is indeed funny. Very funny, in fact. Possibly because he is essentially laughing at the puberty he himself was once. He remembers it as a «very difficult time» with lots of problems: pimples, a new body, insecurity and the feeling of inadequacy. But because everything is so difficult, he says, you have to try to make things as cheerful as possible.

Your daughter goes to parties and falls in love. Has she ever been with a boy you were dreading?

Yes, once. Then I thought, what an egghead he is! There's no such thing as a whistle. But I didn't have to intervene because she realised it relatively quickly herself.

Were you able to hold back?

Yes, you have to. It's a civic duty. Strategically, it would be a mistake to try to talk her out of this guy. Because then you can assume that he'll be at the start all the more.

Regular family meals become less frequent as the children get older. What is it like for you?

We hardly ever eat together any more. I make the children breakfast in the morning and sit down with them. I want to sit at the table with them at least once a day. At some point, this family ritual of sitting together disappears. We don't look for Easter eggs any more either. It makes me very sentimental to let that go. I would have no problem hiding Easter eggs for my children.

And the weekends?

They are also disparate. Because my daughter goes out with her friends and my son is with his mate. I really enjoy playing mini golf with my son, but that also fades. At some point, as a teenager, you have to choose between going to play mini golf with your dad or going to the afternoon cinema with three of your mates. That's when I lose out.

It was the same with us, wasn't it?

When I was 13 or 14, I didn't want to do anything with my dad either, I wanted to do it with my mates. I consoled myself with the thought that my son and his friends were now eating those disgusting nachos with greasy cheese dip at the cinema, drinking sweet stuff and getting pimples.

Do your children sometimes feel used for the columns?

No, not at all. There is a very simple trick. The topics in the column and therefore in the books must be universal.

What do you mean?

My son had accidentally downloaded a stupid sex subscription onto his mobile phone. He was furiously embarrassed. But as it would show up on his mobile phone bill, he knew that I would find out about it at some point. So he came to me. I approached him and said, yes, it's stupid, but it happens to adults too. He had a problem that thousands of children that age also had. That's why I was able to make a story out of it. But if he had a very personal and intimate problem, such as neurodermatitis, that wouldn't work. It would discredit him.

Keyword smartphone terror?

A huge issue for us. Our son doesn't have one yet, he'll get one for his 14th birthday in autumn. My daughter has one. It beeps and vibrates incessantly. Total stress! Once it was too much for her and she gave it up for six months.

Do you have rules regarding your children's media consumption?

We have a parental control on our son's computer. He can only play for an hour and a half, then it switches off.

What about alcohol?

Of course our daughter has come home drunk, at 16 or 17 that happens. You can't prevent drinking or smoking. But you have to be available to the children if something happens.

Who do you worry about more: the daughter or the son?

You might be a bit more worried about girls. Luckily, Carla has a big mouth, she's very self-confident and definitely not the victim type. In fact, she once came back from a party and told me the next day that there was a girl there who was so drunk that the boys had started undressing her, colouring her in with waterproof pens and taking photos of her. Then she said to me: "You'll never experience that with me, Dad. I always make sure I stay in control.

Can you sleep when your children are out?

I feel like my mum once did with me. I can only sleep really well when I hear my daughter coming up the stairs.

During the interval, visitors queue in front of Weiler's table for a signature. This leads to some very funny scenes. At one point, a woman wants the dedication «For Moni in memory of beautiful nights on the balcony». But Weiler was never on the balcony with the lady. Sometimes there are also parents who want to discuss a parenting problem. Topic number 1: sexuality.

What do they ask you?

Porn is obviously a very disturbing topic for many mothers. Children's curiosity is huge at that age. My son is no exception. He once went on my computer; when I realised this, I checked my browser history. There was the search term: «Tieten». It's like this. Boys just take their puberty into their own hands at some point.

For parents, puberty means confronting their own ageing.

Yes, puberty is also a kind of «coming out of age» for parents. I noticed this most clearly in pop culture. Today there are bands that I don't know and have never heard of. You get left behind. Even on the computer. There are things you can no longer teach your kids because they are simply fitter.

Puberty is also a test as a couple. Suddenly the kids are gone.

Yes, it is very difficult for couples because you are no longer husband and wife, but chauffeur, cook, money provider, cleaner and much more. As parents, you rarely see yourself as just a couple. And even if you do go out for dinner alone, you usually only talk about the children or school. You probably only regain that once the children have left home.

And you fall into a hole.

Yes, that's really difficult. Many couples then need a new project to be able to experience themselves differently again.

Or become even more estranged.

Yes, there are always tendencies towards alienation. That's the price you pay when you have children. I don't know any parents in my circle of friends who don't get into trouble from time to time because of this functionalisation of the relationship.

Your daughter wants to be a journalist?

Yes, and she wants to study in Berlin. So she will be moving out of home in the not too distant future.

Does that give you a stomach ache?

I'm much more sentimental than my wife. I imagine it like this: I drive Carla to Berlin, the car full to the brim with her stuff, and I help her unload everything. Then I walk through the flat share she's moving into and think: «Oh God, oh God». Then I have to let go. But first there's the A-levels. Is homework a point of contention? Carla and Nick go to a Montessori school. The performance principle is a little different there. But of course they still have to study. Whingeing doesn't help. The stupid vocabulary has to be memorised in some way. So I'm pragmatic. I say, why don't you do the 12 vocabulary words and then you're done. Sometimes it helps, but not always.

Are good grades important to you?

No. I got stuck at school myself, as did my wife. I'm not an achievement fetishist. I know that when Carla is ready, something will click and she'll sit down and study. And if it takes a little longer, then it will take a little longer. I don't think a year more or less matters in a person's life.

What if she just hangs around?

Yes, I did that too. After leaving school, I just hung around, slept and partied for four months until my civilian service. Since then, I've worked for 28 years straight, never had more than three or four weeks holiday at most, but always worked like a maniac. So I think it's okay to hang around a bit beforehand.

Jan Weiler about:

The hardest thing about puberty ...
... is that you don't understand your children and they don't understand you either. That you worry so much. About the party, about the people there. When they come home late. Not calling.
The best thing about puberty ...
... is the creativity of children. And the emerging intellectuality. Children are very inspiring and also inspired personalities. The other day, my son was sitting at breakfast, smelling his sleeve and said this banging sentence: «I love the smell of kebab in my bathrobe.» That's just lovely then.
Bullying ...
... doesn't happen at my children's school. No up there or down there. And no one has any arrogance. Very pleasant.
Hype about grammar school ...
We know children who get extra tuition as early as Year 4. And they hear: If you don't get into grammar school, everything is messed up. I think that's so awful.
The ideal school ...
I'm an opponent of the «cube of education». There are children who are extremely interested in chemistry or Latin, but have no interest in gymnastics. And yet they still have to break their shins on the uneven bars. I'm in favour of total freedom at school. Of course, everyone should master the basics. But beyond that, children need to be encouraged in their special talents. That should make up at least 70 per cent of their time at school.

About Jan Weiler

Jan Weiler, born in Düsseldorf in 1967, was an advertising copywriter and editor-in-chief of «SZ Magazin». He has been a freelance journalist and writer for twelve years. His novel «Maria, ihm schmeckts nicht» about his Italian father-in-law was made into a film in 2009. We met him on his reading tour for his new book «Im Reich der Pubertiere». Weiler also writes radio plays and audio books. He lives with his family near Munich. His columns have appeared in «Welt am Sonntag» and on his website www.janweiler.de.