«Letting go is about having the right instinct»
My partner is overprotective and finds it harder than me to let go. He rushes to help the children (five and seven) with every little thing. How can I tell him in a good way that I think this is excessive?
«Ask your partner: What is your concern? What could happen? What would help you to just let the child do it? Encourage him to trust the child. If he jumps up at every little thing and rushes to help, ask: How do you feel about this child? What do you see? Do you feel our child is competent? How do you feel about the fact that he is already so competent? Questions like these can help your partner to reflect on their behaviour and gradually change it.»
Nicola Schmidt,
science journalist, author and mother of two
My son is eight and quite advanced for his age. However, his independence is still a problem. For example, he doesn't get dressed in the morning without being asked and he often forgets things for school. What can I do so that he becomes more independent and I can let go more?
«It starts with the small, everyday things. Think about it: can my child do it themselves? We parents react far too much. In the small moments when it seems to us that the child can't do something on their own and we rush to help, we can pause and perhaps ask the child: What could you do to make it work? It's important to have confidence and to allow things to go wrong. Another thing that promotes children's independence is to give them responsibility in everyday family life and the household: Cleaning out the dishwasher, putting away the shopping, looking after pets, hanging up the washing - these are all small steps towards letting go.»
Nicola Schmidt
According to science journalist and author Nicola Schmidt, however, the age of the mother plays a role: «The later a woman becomes a mother, the more intensively she cares for the child, especially if the first is also the last.»
My daughter is going through puberty. She says her friends are allowed to go out much longer than she is. How do we find the right balance?
«Letting go also has an individual character and can be different for every young person. It's always about having the right sense of how much responsibility and freedom can be given to the young person. Say, for example: I'll let you stay out late, but I expect you to be home on time at 10 pm. If that works, I've given the right amount, if not, I'll take a step back and try again next time by asking: What do you need so that you can be there on time?»
Joëlle Gut,
Psychotherapist and mother of two teenagers
7 tips on how to help your child become more autonomous
- In everyday life, don't jump up immediately if the child doesn't get something right first time. Not everything requires a reaction. Be present and first see if the child can solve the problem on their own.
- Pay attention to the child's signals. Is it ready to take the next step - such as staying home alone while you quickly go shopping? Encourage them to do so.
- If a step doesn't work out, the child shouldn't feel ashamed about it. Signal reliability and show that you are there if there are problems.
- Give your child responsibility for household chores and errands outside the home bit by bit. This strengthens self-efficacy and a sense of community.
- Trust in your child's abilities. Children are naturally cooperative if they feel that they are taken seriously and are trusted.
- Realise that it is normal and important for children to turn away during puberty. It is relieving not to take this personally.
- Question your own patterns such as: Do I define myself mainly in terms of my parental role or also as an individual or partner? How much closeness do I need? How strongly are social ideals anchored in me?
