Letting go changes depending on the development phase

The first big letting go is of course the birth - it requires trust in the body and the birth process as well as the willingness to release the child into the world. During the first time with the baby, it is difficult to imagine separating from him or her for even a short time - but as the child becomes more autonomous, it is important to master the balance between holding on and letting go as well as possible.

Letting go with toddlers: autonomy and closeness

As soon as the child has discovered crawling and walking, it wants to explore its environment on its own. Until, between the ages of two and three, it very clearly signals its need for autonomy.

The term «defiant phase» is now considered outdated. The Danish family therapist Jesper Juul writes in his book «Your Competent Child»: «If adults react to a three-year-old's attempt to develop their own skills with resistance and defiance, then the child will either become defiant themselves - defiance begets defiance - or listless and dependent.»

Handing over responsibility bit by bit helps to develop self-efficacy.

Patience and empathy are therefore required in order to reconcile both needs, that of closeness and that of autonomy. In everyday life, it helps to pause instead of intervening immediately when the child tries something new.

Now is the time to allow relationships with other adults. The child is striving for independence, but at the same time still needs an enormous amount of closeness. This simultaneity can also be frustrating, for example if the child does not want to be looked after by another carer.

Kindergarten: Allowing other relationships

If the child was previously cared for at home, parents had control over the daily routine. This is different now. Not only does the child make the journey to the kindergarten on its own, it also spends several hours a day at the kindergarten without the parents knowing exactly what is happening there.

At this age, children master the theory of mind, i.e. the ability to recognise not only their own feelings and motives, but also those of others. They begin to make their first friends and arrange to play together in the afternoons. Gradually, their social environment expands.

Letting go does not only mean physical separation: the uncertainty about what will happen in kindergarten requires trust, also in the teacher. On the other hand, the willingness to allow the child other relationships is necessary, not only with other children, but also with the teachers.

Puberty robs parents of their special position.

Remo Largo, paediatrician

Schoolchild: Courage to try things out

Starting school is a milestone and feelings are usually mixed: How will the child cope with the performance requirements of school? Will they be able to integrate well? It is important to trust the abilities of the child and the teachers.

Friends become more important and the increasing experiences with other people and their diversity are real drivers of development. It is now important to allow the child to receive emotional closeness, trust and support from different adults outside the family: from other family members and friends, grandparents, teachers or neighbours.

Children want to try out lots of things at this stage. Travelling alone on the bus, going to the swimming pool on their own, taking up a hobby. Gradually handing over responsibility, including in the household, helps to develop self-efficacy.

Letting go during puberty: being a safe haven

Puberty does not have a good reputation - wrongly so. Children set themselves apart from their parents and develop their own opinions. This is part of healthy development, which should not be taken personally, but can certainly make you feel wistful or worried. In addition to the physical changes, the child's brain undergoes a complete reorganisation. This also means a reorganisation of the relationship with the parents - a new relationship emerges. «Puberty robs parents of their special position,» the Swiss paediatrician Remo Largo once wrote.

Puberty: Common rules and compromises are enormously helpful, especially when dealing with going out and the media.

More than ever, a balancing act between understanding and consistency is required while the child makes their own mistakes and experiences. It is also time to let go of and question your own ideals, ideas and expectations of yourself as a parent. Common rules and compromises are enormously helpful, especially when dealing with going out and the media.

Friends take a place similar to the family. «It is important for the personal development of young people that they increasingly create their own social network beyond the nuclear family in order to free themselves from the role of child and grow up,» says Pasqualina Perrig-Chiello, professor emeritus of psychology. «In a secure parent-child relationship, this process is not a threat. If parents accompany it with respect, understanding and trust, the parental home remains the safe harbour in the background, to which one is always happy to return.»