Learning succeeds in good relationships

I, Fabian Grolimund, already knew how important the relationship with the teacher is before the first day of school. During the summer holidays before starting school, we were allowed to visit the school with our parents as kindergarten children. The four first-grade teachers also introduced themselves.
An older teacher, who was about to retire and knew my mother, said to me: «So, little Grolimund, who do you want to go to after the summer holidays?» I replied: «Well, certainly not to you.» My mum was already ashamed of herself when the teacher followed up and wanted to know why. My explanation: «You're very old. You might die soon and when I go to school with you, I'm sure I'll be very fond of you and very sad.» Fortunately, she took it with humour.

When we talk about learning, we cannot avoid talking about relationships. From the first day of life, children learn for other people. They soon realise that they can make contact with their parents with a smile or a chuckle and make extensive use of this.
Whenever children learn something new, they want to show it to someone: «Mum, are you watching?», «Dad, look!» They meet up with friends to go skateboarding and show each other new tricks.

Stress and fear block the learning process, joy and pride motivate us.

The feelings that important reference persons trigger in us during learning have a decisive effect on the learning process. Stress, shame and fear block us, while joy and pride motivate us to continue learning and face new challenges. Gradually, the feelings we experience become associated with a subject or the school itself.
The teacher who nods appreciatively at us or writes a nice comment under the exam spurs us on and makes us enjoy the subject. The teacher who exposes the pupil at the blackboard associates her subject and learning in general with shame and fear in the brains of her pupils.
Children never just learn a language, maths or spelling. They always learn something about themselves too. Over time, they form beliefs such as: «Learning languages is fun!», «I'm too stupid for maths!», «Exams are terrible!»

These beliefs develop as a result of experiences with the subject area, but above all through the climate that prevails between the child, parents and teachers during learning.
It is easy to recognise negative relationship signals in others. For example, parents are often bothered by the fact that the teacher doesn't respond to their child enough or makes a negative comment. However, they do not realise how much their own impatience and heavy breathing at every mistake spoils their child's enjoyment of learning to read, how much they fuel homework conflicts by constantly nagging and asking questions, how rudely they point out mistakes to the child or how hard it is for the child to bear when they have to see how much their parents suffer from poor grades.
We particularly miss the subtle non-verbal signals - the rolling of the eyes, the sitting with the upper body leaning back, arms folded and a petrified expression, the drumming of the fingers on the table, the frowning and gasping for breath when the child makes the same mistake - again.
To be more precise: These signals escape us - but not the child. They mean everything to the child.

Parents' impatience and constant nagging spoil the joy of learning.

If a child develops the feeling that they can't please their parents and teachers anyway, they will drop out of the learning process. They devalue school and learning in order to protect their self-esteem and may soon look for a role in which they are more popular - for example as the class clown or the cool one.
Those who can't win in the role of the pupil will look for another option. It can be quite satisfying to emerge from a power struggle against the teacher as the supposed winner, to play a prank on the teacher, to make rebellious comments or to demonstratively show the parents how little you think of their views and demands.
When counselling parents and teachers, we find time and again that difficult situations can only be resolved if we first work on the relationship level. For children and young people to say something or be led by someone, they need to feel that this person is well disposed towards them, that they have confidence in them and will not give up on them.
It is therefore not surprising that studies repeatedly show that the relationship between teachers and learners is the most decisive variable that can be influenced for learning success.

We would like to invite you to think back to your favourite teacher. What made them special? Why did you find it so easy to learn with this person? Why did you look forward to their lessons?

The relationship between teacher and pupil is crucial for successful learning.

We asked several parents and teachers this question in the run-up to this article. The answers were surprisingly similar. These teachers seem to have a loving clarity. They are appreciative, authentic, take an interest in their pupils and meet each individual where they are. At the same time, they are demanding. They expect every pupil to make an effort within their own framework, express positive expectations, point out opportunities for improvement and progress and insist on adherence to a few clear rules. We can all learn from such teachers.

As a parent, you can briefly check how you are doing before you get involved in learning with your child. You can realise that your relationship with your child is your greatest asset and that it's not worth jeopardising it by pushing them to learn a few more words or to get through the last exercise sheet of homework with them.
You can stop the homework, leave the room if the mood changes or contact the teacher if the learning takes too much time or gets out of hand.

Don't jeopardise your relationship with your child because of a few words.

You can have a positive influence on your child's attitude towards school by setting an example. The more your child senses how much you appreciate their teacher and the more you express this - for example through words of appreciation - the easier it will be for the child to recognise the good things about the teacher, to get involved in the lessons - and thus to awaken positive reactions in the teacher.
The favourable climate that this creates is in turn linked to learning. On the other hand, with every negative comment about the school, with every rant about incompetent teachers, you are giving your child a free pass to misbehave at school.
As a parent or teacher, you can change your attitude. We are often so busy focussing on what is going wrong that we overlook progress and positive things. It would usually be more useful, more motivating and more relaxed if we learnt to shift our perspective.
If we say to a child with attention problems at a good moment: «Hey, you're really focussed right now» and smile briefly at them, they learn several things at once. They can memorise the feeling of concentrated work: Aha, that's what it feels like when I'm focused! He learns that we are happy about his progress, feels proud and is motivated to continue working in this direction. They also gain confidence in their abilities and develop a conviction: If I try hard, I can concentrate. The relationship between child and teacher or parent is strengthened, which in turn ensures that further feedback - both positive and critical - falls on fertile ground.
Comments such as «You're such a dreamer, why can't you pay attention?» or «You're always in the clouds!» are internalised by the child as facts over time. At the same time, they put a strain on the relationship - the child becomes more stubborn, the adults put more pressure on them and a vicious circle develops in which the child, parents and teacher all lose out.

Only help your child if your help is accepted.

It is worthwhile for teachers to have regular, brief discussions with the «most difficult» one to three pupils in a class about how they are doing at school, what is expected of them, what has improved and what changes the pupil can still be expected to make.
An occasional note to the parents about what is going well or has improved is more useful than a half-hour conversation about how badly the pupil has behaved again. It's not about swallowing all criticism and putting on rose-tinted spectacles, but about strengthening the relationship to such an extent that the pupil sees a point in working on these points.
Sticking to rules, making an effort, engaging with a difficult subject, facing up to one's weaknesses and re-engaging with learning after failures requires motivation, effort and a willingness to jump over one's shadow from a «weak» or «difficult» pupil. If the pupil has parents or teachers who they feel are worth the effort, they are more likely to take this path.
After all, adults are also more motivated when they receive support and positive relationship signals. If we want our children to be able to learn in a good environment, we need good schools. As the large-scale Hattie study shows, these are created by good teachers.
It is up to all of us to ensure that competent, motivated and relatable people want to become and remain teachers. In this respect, it makes us thoughtful and sad that we have to hear from most committed teachers: «I can tell that everything is going well and the parents are happy because nobody complains.»

Read more:

• How we learn
• 8 crisp homework tips for parents
• Mr Born, is practising old-fashioned?
• You can find helpful tips on all aspects of learning at: www.mit-kindern-lernen.ch
• Stefanie Ritzler and Fabian Grolimund address the topic of self-confidence/self-esteem on the Beaver blog: www.biber-blog.com