«It takes extremely difficult parents to spoil children»

Mr Niederberger, how often are you confronted with feelings of guilt from parents in your everyday work as a family therapist?

Almost every day. Let's say in 80 to 90 per cent of middle-class families with parenting problems, feelings of guilt are an issue. And I'm talking about families without traumatic histories, where the feelings of guilt are usually unfounded in my view.

And why are they still so present?

I notice that many mums and dads feel that they don't measure up. It's understandable when you look at how high the bar is set for parents today and the ideals they emulate. We are constantly thinking about what we could and should do or how we should behave as parents. As soon as you raise your voice or take offence, you feel guilty.

In your latest book «Weniger erziehen - mehr leben!» (Raise less - live more!), you show how much parenting has changed since the 1960s. Significant points for the development of feelings of guilt.

That's how it is. However, it seems important to emphasise at the outset that I do not believe that everything was better in the past «with God and teachers». We can be very happy about many changes. The comparison with the generations of parents before 1960 arose from my need to understand how the family functioned systemically and how it does now. In my view, the feelings of guilt that are very present today are due to social changes. Realising this can help.

What specific changes do you mean?

Our current knowledge of psychology, for example, or the development of prevention. Humanism also became ever stronger. Childhood should be more beautiful, education should be more sensitive, better and kinder. And education today is more grassroots democratic. Children should be allowed to participate in decision-making from a very early age. These points mean that we automatically have to think a lot more about parenting. It is also relevant that we can afford more and the range of choices we can - or must - make is huge.

You also mention the trend towards small families. To what extent is this having an impact?

With one or two children, it is easy to assume that character traits are inherited.

And you would disagree with that?

I would. In meetings, I like to take an old, black and white family photo out of the drawer during discussions. Among perhaps eight children, we find the hard-working one, the hermit, the sensitive one, the wild one and the black sheep of the family. All with the same upbringing, the same gene pool. I often ask parents: «So, what kind of billy goat did you get?» This may sound disrespectful, but it simply means: you've got what you've got. And maybe your child is just a weird bird, there's little to shake about that. It's important not to beat yourself up about it. Maybe she'll grow out of it, maybe she'll become an artist and maybe she'll stay weird somehow. It's about dealing with it.

The success stories of other families often trigger feelings of guilt. How do I deal with this when good advice and ideas come my way?

First of all, we have to realise that the family has become more private. We can make fewer cross-comparisons. We see less of other parents shouting at home. That other children also cause chaos and rage. Today, this insight is often missing. Subtract 40 per cent from all success stories. Realise that you don't have to be average, but somewhere in the range. Be proud of your children and trust that they will come out well. They don't have to be further, better or bigger than others. 95 per cent will become great adults.

When are feelings of guilt justified?

Much more rarely than you might think. We are often urged to be cautious and forget that children are quite stable and resilient beings who try things out and learn. It takes extremely difficult parents to spoil children. I'm talking about mental illness, drugs, violence - major and long-term conflicts. And yes, sometimes two people with problems find each other and start a family. And sometimes you get lost. It's important to get professional help if you realise you've gone too far somewhere.

Unjustified feelings of guilt are now part of everyday life for many parents. Does this have a negative impact on the next generation?

If they don't dominate everyday life, no, I don't think so. It's a phenomenon that the next generation develops its own new neuroses and quirks, but it also always adopts those of previous generations.

Our generation lives in a consumer society. How do we deal with all the offers and possibilities?

If something new is advertised again in terms of parenting methods, early intervention potential or parent-child relationship refinement, then you say «hogwash, we're about as good as it gets». (Laughs.) It's important to realise what a huge market there is behind all the offers. And that life cannot be planned. A pure child's soul, combined with great support, does not automatically result in a perfect life. Sometimes you have to fight your way through. And children have always had to assert themselves in the world. Things are often communicated magnificently, but they are not so rich in content. Advertising is incredibly clever: it creates needs, also by making people feel guilty.

What basic attitude do you want to give parents so that they feel less guilty?

Calmness and trust. We should trust that things will turn out well. And let us accept our own idiosyncrasies with joy. Better: let's embrace our own limitations. And let's remain calm when something goes wrong. Let's realise that unconditional love doesn't mean that we can't be angry with each other.