It takes courage to give children freedom

When we parents read media reports on the subject of free spaces for children, we often have two different feelings. On the one hand, we nod inwardly. In our mind's eye, images of happy children roaming through the forest, building tree huts and jumping happily in mud puddles come to mind: this is what childhood should be like!

On the other hand, a guilty conscience creeps up on us: Do our own children have enough time for themselves? Are we doing everything right? When was the last time we were in the forest? And did the children really enjoy it so much?

What we also know: Open spaces have become smaller in recent decades. Population density, building density and traffic have increased, and places where children can play undisturbed are increasingly disappearing. At the same time, children are spending much more time in day-care centres, clubs and sports facilities. Their free time is increasingly organised by adults.

What does it take to give children the necessary freedom and room to manoeuvre again? And what can each and every one of us contribute instead of just longing for the «good old days»? In many respects, this requires a change of attitude, courage and a portion of good ideas from us adults.

What if something happens?

When we think back to our own childhood, we not only see the happy hours alone with friends in the forest and in the neighbourhood, but also all the dicey moments and the sometimes reckless actions: Climbing the tree that was a little too high, the Indian games where we shot at each other with homemade arrows, lighting fires and smoking nielen, hurtling down the street on a homemade vehicle consisting of a folding chair and two skateboards - all these «I can't even think about what could have happened» moments are part of the overall package.

The current generation of parents has a much greater need for safety than our own parents and grandparents. If we are serious about our children's freedom, we have to overcome our own fears time and again. I'm not really the worrying type, but something has changed since I've had children. Suddenly I have a well-developed danger radar and can see everything that could happen. Holding back with warnings and keeping the children on a «long leash» always takes a lot of effort. Perhaps it is helpful if we regularly ask ourselves where we can be a little braver, where we can trust our children more.

What happens when I relinquish control?

Giving children more freedom also takes courage because we have to relinquish control. A school social worker told me that she was responsible for the graduation party at her school. One day she decided to put this responsibility in the hands of the graduating classes. The children in the two sixth classes were given a budget and were to prepare the end-of-year party themselves - including catering, programme and music.

The school social worker said: «It was almost unbearable. Nothing happened for the first two weeks! Doubts immediately arose: Are they overwhelmed by the task? Do they even want to do it? What if there's just nothing at the end?» She was afraid of looking stupid in front of her colleagues and parents. In the end, she said to herself: «If it doesn't work out, then it won't work out. I'll go through with it now. Otherwise I'll just have crisps and Coke.» In the end, the children surprised everyone. It turned out to be a really great party with good food and a colourful programme. Since then, it has become a tradition at this school for the sixth graders to organise the summer party.

Why is it so difficult to let the children do it?

Why is it so difficult for adults to take a step back and let the children do it? For one thing, we feel useless. A kindergarten teacher who takes the children into the forest one day a week and lets them discover, search and collect quickly feels that she is not fulfilling her educational mission. A school that leaves the organisation of the festival in the hands of the pupils risks making a fool of itself. A day school that organises times with free play is quickly confronted with the accusation of what the teachers are actually paid to do if they just stand around and watch the children.

Teachers who take a step back in favour of the children and risk criticism because there is a scrape or apparently too little has been learned need the encouragement and support of us parents. We can only give them this if we realise how valuable these experiences are for our children.

Is my child learning enough?

The closing party was a success. However, if we want to give children more responsibility and give them more creative freedom, we have to come to terms with the fact that this is not always the case. We have to allow our children to fail and try again.

In doing so, we also relinquish control over the learning process. This is difficult for us because we adults like visible and predictable success. If we send a child to music lessons, we can watch them play increasingly challenging pieces and enjoy a performance once a year.

If the teenager forms a garage band with her friends, this is not the case. She will probably not make the same progress on her instrument as her colleague who attends music lessons and practices dutifully at home. How much this experience has brought her will perhaps only become clear much later, when she says: "With my band, I was creative, I learnt to go out boldly with something of my own, to fight for small gigs, to deal with stage fright, to put up with tensions in the band, to pull myself together when things didn't go as planned.

This requires us parents to let go again and again and have a lot of trust in the children's ability to develop.

About Fabian Grolimund

Fabian Grolimund is a psychologist and author («Learning with children»). In the «Parent coaching» section, he answers questions about everyday family life. The 37-year-old is married and father to a son, 5, and a daughter, 2. He lives with his family in Freiburg. www.mit-kindern-lernen.ch, www.biber-blog.com

Don't miss a text from Fabian Grolimund?
Fabian Grolimund writes for the parents' magazine Fritz+Fränzi in every issue. Get a subscription so that you don't miss any of his texts!