Introverted children: the strength of breastfeeding

Sarah finds it exhausting to meet new people. She likes to be on her own and let her mind wander. «At school, I'm constantly surrounded by people and many tasks have to be completed verbally,» says the 17-year-old from Baden. «I think the constant contact and all the talking take more energy out of me than others. When I get home, I withdraw for a while. I need that to recharge my batteries.» It's also typical of her that she doesn't start conversations of her own accord. Sarah is a quiet, calm person who doesn't do much research. With her temperament, Sarah is an introvert.

The loud, talkative
boys and girls attract more attention and get
a lot of attention.

«Why are you always so quiet?» or «Why don't you come out of your shell?» - These are sentences that introverted children and young people often hear from adults. After all, we live in a loud society: it's not just adults who need a high level of self-confidence, sociability and the ability to present themselves well. It is similar with children: the loud, talkative boys and girls stand out more and get a lot of attention. The quieter ones tend to be «overlooked» - and their special abilities are often not even recognised. They often ask themselves: «What's wrong with me?» Or over time they get the feeling: «There's something wrong with me» - because they intuitively compare themselves with other, more self-confident children or because parents, teachers or classmates tell them they should be «different» - braver, livelier and more sociable.

Shining a light on the overlooked

The personality trait extraversion - from the Latin extra = outside, vertere = to turn - shows how sociable and outwardly orientated someone is. For someone with a high extraversion score in a personality test, for example, life is a great hustle and bustle. These people enjoy being around people, love socialising and are often very energetic. Someone with low extraversion scores, i.e. high introversion, is less outwardly orientated, less boisterous and involved in social activities, but generally more quiet and reserved.

The concept of introversion and extraversion was first described by psychiatrist Carl Gustav Jung in 1921. He assumed that introverted people would direct their attention and energy more inwards, whereas extraverted people would direct it more outwards. Later, personality researchers integrated the «introversion - extraversion» dimension into the «five-factor model» (the «Big Five» model) of personality. Most experts assume that around a third of people are introverted and a third are extraverted. The remaining third are the so-called «ambiverts». The term is actually a made-up word. «Ambivert» describes an intermediate state in which a person sometimes behaves introverted and sometimes extraverted.

Opening the eyes of those affected

With her book «Still. The Power of Introverts», former US lawyer Susan Cain drew the attention of the general public to the «quiet part» of people for the first time. Her idea was to raise awareness of the typical characteristics and strengths of introverts at a time when communication and a high level of self-confidence are what count most. She also wants to open the eyes of those affected - and help them to accept themselves for who they are. The book quickly became a bestseller. «Many thousands of people simply told me this thought: that their quiet approach is a powerful force when used correctly,» writes Cain. This process of becoming aware has indeed changed the lives of many people. But how can you tell whether someone is an «intro» or an «extra»?

Psychologist Brigitte Stirnemann says: «The key question is: How does a person behave when they want to recharge their batteries after a stressful time?» Stirnemann is a psychologist, systemic counsellor for couples and families and lecturer at the Zurich University of Teacher Education. «Introverts do this primarily by withdrawing into themselves, in a low-stimulus environment and without many words. Extraverts, on the other hand, gain their energy from contact with other people.»

Introversion as a flaw

It is true that not all introverted children and young people have negative experiences. «However, the ability to show oneself and actively socialise with others is highly valued in the Western world,» says Stirnemann. «These are things that don't come so easily to introverts.» Negative experiences can arise when introverted children are «pathologised» by their parents or other people, either explicitly or implicitly - in other words, they are told that they are not normal. «Furthermore, these children can be pushed rather harshly at school or elsewhere to give up their reserve,» says the expert. «For example, when the teacher says to a child: 'You're going to give a presentation all by yourself. I don't even know what the problem is.»

Introverted parents who are
are not aware of their strengths cannot pass them on to their children.

On the other hand, the behaviour of teachers today is more understanding than it used to be, says Stirnemann. «Most teachers accept the children as they are and also allow a child to be less involved in lessons.»

At the same time, quiet children are often pleasant for teachers because they don't stand out and «just go with the flow». This is also confirmed by the mother of Sarah, the young woman in our example. «There were never really any problems with our daughter's rather quiet behaviour,» reports Céline Mahieux. «The teachers did keep saying that she should participate more in class. But they accepted her behaviour and it never had a negative impact on her grades.»

Recognising introversion

However, quiet children are often «overlooked» in class and are unable to realise their full potential. It is therefore important for parents and teachers to first recognise that a child is introverted. «For example, teachers shouldn't jump to the conclusion that a child who doesn't participate much in class is inattentive or disinterested,» says Sina Bardill, a psychologist and coach with her own practice in Scharans GR and Lucerne. She specialises in introversion and organises lectures, seminars and training courses on the subject. For example, teachers can try to establish more personal contact with the child in order to get to know and assess them better.

«However, the absolutely most important thing for introverted children - as for all children - is that they feel accepted and loved for who they are. Parents and teachers should also convey this to them,» emphasises Bardill. «The aim should be for an introverted child to recognise their needs well over time and learn to deal with them well in everyday life - for example, to schedule enough time for themselves alone. It is also important that they have the opportunity to develop their abilities.»

Parents and teachers can praise and encourage the typical characteristics of introversion in a variety of ways. If a child has already had unfavourable experiences, they should try to get them out of their deficit thinking, emphasise their strengths and provide targeted support.
It is often easier for parents who are introverted themselves and not self-promoters to recognise their child's needs and respond to them. «They know what is good for them and what is more difficult for the child,» says Stirnemann. «Extraverted parents, for whom the quiet, reserved nature is rather foreign, should look together with their child to see what they need. For example, they can find out what they are particularly interested in and then specifically encourage these interests or support and value close friendships with just one or a few children.»

«I first had to learn to take a step back with Sarah, to give her time to answer questions or to be more proactive,» reports Céline Mahieux. With her father, on the other hand, Sarah often simply gets on without saying much. Like her mother, Sarah's 13-year-old brother Raphael is extraverted. «Because of the big age difference, we don't have such a close relationship,» says Sarah. «But there are no difficulties between us either. He approaches me more than the other way round - but that's fine for both of us.»

Susanne Schild, mother of two sons, 13 and 15, also grew up in a family where everyone was rather quiet and reserved. Like Susan Cain, the 45-year-old sees herself as an ambassador who wants to sensitise parents and teachers to the topic of introversion. Through conversations with parents, talks and blog posts, she wants to help clear up misconceptions and help introverts to become more self-accepting. «In my opinion, this is the key to helping children feel confident and strong,» says the 45-year-old HR specialist from Baden. Introverted parents who are not aware of their strengths cannot pass them on to their children. «Many people think you have to be extraverted to be successful in life,» says Schild. «But that's nonsense. Even introverts can be very successful if they learn to utilise their strengths correctly.»

Introversion versus shyness

It is often not easy for outsiders to recognise whether introversion or shyness is behind a quiet nature. How can introversion be distinguished from shyness? Shyness is a form of social anxiety. It is also partly genetic, but can be intensified by negative experiences and weakened by positive ones. Shy people want contact with other people, but are often afraid of being rejected or embarrassed in social situations, for example. Introverts, on the other hand, are not afraid of contact. It tends to be «too much» for them and they then need peace and quiet and time for themselves.

«Introversion is a personality trait that remains largely the same throughout life,» explains Brigitte Stirnemann. «Shyness, on the other hand, is mainly caused by unfavourable social experiences. It can be weakened or overcome by favourable social experiences.» According to the psychologist, an introverted child can also become shy as a result of negative experiences. «However, it is also possible for a child to be quiet and observant without feeling uncomfortable.» It is therefore important to take a close look.
«You can't simply draw conclusions about how a child is doing from their outward behaviour,» emphasises Sina Bardill. «It is therefore important that parents and teachers build up a good relationship with the child, in which they experience affection and their personality is recognised. This makes it easier to assess whether the child is calm and mentally stable or stressed and unhappy.»
And when does a child need psychological support? For example, if they are very anxious in social situations. «Then it can make sense to treat the anxiety as part of a child psychological assessment or therapy,» says Stirnemann.

If introverted children have had unfavourable experiences, it makes sense to have a counselling session with the parents, explains Sina Bardill. «This involves, for example, the parents learning to accept their own and their child's nature.» The counselling session also looks at what the parents can do to support their child. «Ultimately, parents and teachers who are unfamiliar with a child's personality shouldn't be afraid to seek counselling,» emphasises Stirnemann.

Not an alpha dog, but liked by everyone

In Sarah's family, on the other hand, everyone knows about Sarah's character - and everyone knows her strengths. «When Sarah says something, her answers are almost always well thought out, interesting and logical,» says Céline Mahieux. Sarah is also emotionally balanced, doesn't act impulsively and has real friends. «I don't think I'm popular or stand out at school,» says Sarah herself. «But I hear from others that everyone likes me and nobody has anything against me. I think a lot of people appreciate my quiet nature.» Her best friend is also an extrovert - and they complement each other perfectly.

These are the strengths of introverts

• Introverts are good listeners, empathetic and genuinely interested in the other person. That's why they are often good counsellors.

• They radiate calm and can thus bring peace to their surroundings.

• They think first before they say anything and take a lot of information into account. What they then say usually has substance.

• They are good at immersing themselves in a task and persevering with it. This means they often achieve very good results.

• They are good at being alone without feeling lonely and are often very independent in their thinking.

• They have good self-awareness and a good perception of their surroundings, such as the moods around them.

• You can work well on your own.

• They can often express themselves well in writing.

Links and book tips on the topic

• Website of Sina Bardill, psychologist, supervisor and coach who specialises in the topic of introversion: www.intro-coach.ch

• Website of Brigitte Stirnemann, psychologist, systemic counsellor and coach as well as lecturer at the Zurich University of Teacher Education (PH): www.brigitte-stirnemann.ch

• Blog by Patrick Hundt, a sufferer with thoughts on introversion in various life situations: www.introvertiert.org

• Susan Cain: «Quiet. The power of introverts». Goldmann 2013, 464 pages, approx. 18 Fr. and «Still and strong: The power of introverted children and young people», Goldmann 2017, 304 pages, approx. 25 Fr.

• Sylvia Löhken: «Intros and extros. How they interact and benefit from each other». Gabal 2014, 360 pages, approx. 36 Fr.

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