«If someone provokes me, I lose control»
"When I get angry, I punch. Usually against the wall or a door. I've broken bones in the process, but nothing tragic. The pain relieves me, I become calmer with every punch. I've also tried using a punching bag, but if I don't feel any pain, it only makes me more aggressive.
I've also hurt others. Recently, someone broke his rib in a fight. I didn't want that and I felt really bad when I saw him lying on the floor bleeding. I don't really want to fight, but if someone provokes me, I lose control. The guy said something stupid against my cousin. His father - my uncle - died a while ago. That really affected me. If someone rants about your family in this situation, you freak out, of course. Everyone says I should just run away. But I can't do that. It has something to do with pride.
I used to be disrespectful to my parents and there were a lot of arguments at home. But at some point I realised that I actually owe them a lot and that they give me a lot. We once went on holiday together in Thailand and it was the most wonderful, very harmonious time. We did a lot of things together and I felt for the first time that I really belonged somewhere. Things have been better at home since then. Even though my father and I still clash a lot. He often plays on the computer and does almost nothing with me. I miss that. When I get into fights, he says I'm a lion.
I've been seeing a social worker regularly for about two years now. Nobody tells me I'm a solder here. I can talk without anyone passing judgement on me. I think I've calmed down, even though I know I still have a lot to learn. I have to get rid of certain behavioural patterns in order to learn new things. I want more control over myself, I don't want to become aggressive so quickly. But it's not that easy when you've always been like that.
I think I'm just different to others, more emotional, more sensitive. Maybe I take things in more. On the other hand, I can also be much happier about things than others. For example, a Christmas present. I've already cried with joy.
What makes me happy? Spending time with my cousin and my best friend. He goes to boarding school and I don't see him very often. But he's always there for me when I need him. And my training. Martial arts gives me so much. My biggest dream is to become a trainer one day. For that, I would have to be a role model for the kids. I realise that I'm not when I'm throwing punches. That's why I hope I can get a grip on it at some point."
Read more about aggression in children:
- The aggressive child
Aggression has many faces and many causes. Frustration and provocation are the cornerstones of the great anger in the stomach. Why is aggression important? How should parents and teachers react when children shout, threaten or hit?
- Aggressive children, what is normal?
Tantrums, shouting, hitting their little brother or sister - anyone who brings up children will be familiar with these outbursts. But what happens when the aggression becomes extreme?
- Do war toys make children aggressive?
An insecure mum seeks advice from Jesper Juul: should parents intervene when children «shoot» each other with plastic guns and pretend to slit other children's throats?
- How to practise bearing frustration
Many children react to disappointment and defeat with anger and aggression. How parents and teachers can help a child to improve their frustration tolerance and better control their needs and desires .
- Can parents prevent their child from committing offences? The well-known juvenile lawyer Hansueli Gürber talks about loving but consistent parenting.
- «Mr Bauer, why do children react aggressively?» The neuroscientist explains in an interview why men commit more violent offences than women and what role the media plays.
- Why do children threaten their parents and what can they do?