«I was aware that I was accepting my death»
When Rafael* started smoking weed at the age of 15, nobody thought it was a bad thing. He had just started an apprenticeship as an electrician and smoking a bit of weed was common among his colleagues. «Smoking, weed and later alcohol - it was absolutely okay, nobody said anything,» recalls the now 26-year-old, who lives in the canton of Aargau. Consumption was still reasonably controlled back then: Rafael only drank beer during the week. A lot of it, but not too much - he wanted to stay fit for work. At the weekend, however, his self-control is forgotten. Vodka, schnapps, everything that is somehow affordable for young people runs down his throat.
Rafael falls ill every three months or so and is absent for a few weeks, but the thought that this could be related to his substance use never occurs to him. When his mum tries to talk to him, he blocks it. «She smoked and drank herself, so I didn't take it seriously. Our relationship was strained, so I more or less didn't care what she said. I generally wasn't very receptive to the subject and didn't realise what was happening.»
Rafael tried ecstasy when he was 17. «I didn't actually want to take it. We were drunk and suddenly it was there.» The night is one long party. And the next morning he has no after-effects, his young body copes without any problems. LSD, ecstasy and speed become Rafael's party friends. He is drunk again when he buys cocaine for the first time shortly afterwards. «Suddenly a colleague had some, I don't know where from.»
A wide range of substances helps Rafael to do what he wants most: switch off. «I couldn't cope with a lot of things. There was a harsh atmosphere at work, I was usually travelling with a colleague who had no empathy for young people. We had political differences and he also threw punches. I mainly argued with my mum at home, she later became depressed and was always preoccupied with herself. Her boyfriend was nice, but he was mainly concerned with himself.» Drinking, he remembers, made him relaxed and easy-going, then he was more open with colleagues, like everyone else.
When his mum tries to talk to him, he blocks it. «She smoked and drank herself, so I didn't take it seriously.»
Rafael stopped smoking weed in his early 20s. «I felt constantly persecuted, became paranoid. Quitting was easier than I thought. I also drank less alcohol.» But now another addiction came into his life: Benzodiazepines, psychotropic drugs. «That went very quickly. I got them from a colleague and from my GP, they were only available on prescription. They helped me to get through everyday life, I was in further training at the time. At the weekend, I also used alcohol and cocaine to get through my blackouts.»
The fact that Rafael finally admits himself and undergoes eight weeks of hard withdrawal is thanks to a single word from a colleague who tells him: «Rafael, the combination of benzos, alcohol and cocaine is suicide. "I realised that it was going in this direction, I was aware that I was accepting my death. I didn't care about a lot of things - but I didn't care that much about myself.»
Rafael has been clean since April 2017. He has learnt - partly through psychotherapy - to be honest with himself and admit his problems. He is not yet working again, but he has a dream: to study psychology. He still has some catching up to do to be admitted, but that doesn't stop him. «I want to help people, and that's what I'm working for. It's the first time ever that I'm not just doing things without knowing what for, but have a perspective.»
*Name changed
Addiction, drugs and alcohol: advice and help
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