I missed my children for cocaine

I grew up in a home where alcohol played an important role. I often experienced my parents and friends or relatives being intoxicated. But I wasn't particularly interested in alcohol myself - it just made me sick. I've also only tried weed once and found out: It's not for me. So drugs weren't really an issue.

I knew immediately that this would be my drug!

Until I did a holiday job when I was 14 and an older colleague, let's just call him Luigi, offered me a line of cocaine as a matter of course. As soon as I snorted it, I knew: this will be my drug! It would change my life. I simply felt invincible. Like the ruler of the world. And so incredibly masculine! It was really good for me as a follower. I always wanted to be one of the cool ones. As a result, I read everything I could find about the drug, watched every film and listened to every song that featured cocaine. I glamorised the drug without taking it. It wasn't until I earned my first money that I dared to contact the colleague from back then again, and from then on I was actually permanently high.

I was spending 400 francs a day on cocaine - and as you don't earn that as an apprentice, of course, I started dealing other drugs. My colleague Luigi became something of a surrogate father. I looked up to him and admired him. But I had a father - a good one at that. I can't blame my parents. False friends - that can happen in the best of families. Anyone can meet a person who has such an incredible charisma, such an amazing effect as Luigi had on me. He was so small, but everyone, really everyone, listened to him and did what he wanted. I only realised much later that Luigi took advantage of me and that I was his sidekick. Now that I no longer take drugs, I no longer have any contact with Luigi - I think that says it all.

I was there when my children were born - and felt nothing.

A classic drug career began for me - with prison and life on the streets. I was in a relationship and my girlfriend got pregnant twice - unplanned. I was there for the birth - and didn't feel a thing. That's what I regret most about my drug career today - I became a father and only numbed myself. The woman left me and blackmailed me - I was only allowed to see the children if I regularly gave her a lot of money. So the drugs and dealing continued for me. I actually only got up for the cocaine.

Until I met my current wife, the love of my life. Only she gave me the choice: cocaine or me. It was a very difficult decision for me. I began a very painful and agonising cold turkey - without any medical or psychological help. However, I did take antidepressants from the black market.

Dear parents: Cocaine leaves few traces!

I have now been clean for 6 months. My children are now three and one and a half years old. I see them regularly and I hope that I can still build up with them what other parents have with their children. Those father feelings. I like the children. Very much so. But I miss the connection with them, and I'm beginning to have a painful realisation of what I've missed. I didn't see them grow up in those early years. I was there physically - but drugged up, totally anaesthetised emotionally.

Above all, I would like to say to parents: it's not just weed and alcohol. These are drugs that you can see in your children. But cocaine leaves few external traces - except perhaps a constantly runny nose. I was always healthy and strong. When I told my mum that I was addicted to cocaine, she was completely taken aback - she and my dad didn't notice a thing.

I don't know if I can stop my children from taking drugs. Nobody could have done that with me.

One look in my wallet would have been enough. All the bank cards were broken from scraping the powder together. All the banknotes had obviously been rolled before. I know that educationalists say otherwise, but as a former addict I say: control your children if they seem different to you! Control is bad, yes. But cocaine is even worse. Prevention is nice - I hope you all make your children feel special. That you always put them centre stage. Unfortunately, it can still happen that a Luigi comes along and makes them feel even more unique.

When my children grow up, I will tell them what happened to me. And above all, how much the drug destroys you, why I absolutely had to stop. But whether I can stop them from trying it themselves, I don't know. I wish I could! But I don't think anyone could have stopped me.