«I had to let go of everything after the cancer diagnosis»
Janna Ulrich, 40, works as an executive assistant, her husband Jason, 49, is an asset manager. They have two children, Vanessa, 10, and Leandros, 8.
The first time I really let go was when Leandros needed an eye operation when he was six months old. He had glaucoma. When I had to hand him over to the anaesthetist, it tore my mother's heart out because I couldn't protect him. He had four general anaesthetics during his first year of life. I also had to deal with the possibility of him going blind. I was already finding out about schools for the blind.
If I didn't work, the children would have less opportunity to become independent.
I was at home with the children for the first few years. Since I went back to work, their independence has worked much better. At first I was worried about whether they would be able to get ready on their own in the morning. But when I'm not there, they even get out of the house more punctually. It works wonderfully and I've been able to let go so well. I think if I didn't work, they would have less opportunity to become independent.
I generally don't find it difficult to let go. My mum divorced early on, she was a single parent and worked a lot. I had to be very independent from an early age and had to manage a lot on my own. Perhaps the fact that I was brought up like that also makes it easier for me to let go.
Ordinary problems become banal
When I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2019, I had to come to terms with what would happen if I died and didn't get to see my children grow up. For me, there is no greater letting go than imagining no longer being able to be there for them. I started to say goodbye internally, lived through my departure and prepared myself for dying.
The thought of no longer being able to be there for my children was terrible.
I went so far as to sort out my wardrobe. I had even planned my own funeral. I also wanted to leave my children a small necklace with my ashes that they would always have with them. That's not letting go voluntarily, but I had to expect the worst.
The thought of no longer being able to be there for my children was terrible. I had to say goodbye to the idea of witnessing their development. If you're no longer there, you miss everything. And when cancer is eating you up from the inside, you fight tirelessly to make the most of every minute with them.
Because of the issues I had to deal with, the ordinary problems of other parents often seemed trivial to me. When a parent was worried about their child because of little things, I thought, «I'm going to die and not see my children grow up, and you're going to give me a little fever.» I had already had a lot of trouble with this when Leandros was diagnosed. On the one hand, I wanted to take my friends' problems seriously and not be selfish, but on the other hand, they seemed insignificant to me.
