I can't make up my mind!

Anyone who has children asks themselves a lot of questions: «Our little boy has just turned four. Should we send him to kindergarten now or wait another year?» «Can we expect our children to move abroad because of a job offer?» «Should we have our child checked out or are we possibly putting them in a box?»
Again and again, we have to consider what is best for us and our children. Decisions have to be made, the consequences of which we are often barely able to assess. If we are unsure, we look for information, ask others about their experiences, ask those around us for an assessment, go to a taster day or write lists of pros and cons and try to weigh up the arguments. Often this is enough, sometimes all the information just makes us even more uncertain.

Belly or head

We often think that we have to make decisions with our heads and present our arguments coherently. Especially when it comes to major decisions, there is pressure to «think it through». But is the mind really always our best guide?
The Portuguese-American neuroscientist António Damásio and his team conducted an experiment that has since become famous. Test subjects sat at a table connected to a device that could measure their physical stress response. They were then allowed to take part in a game of chance in which they could draw cards from two face-down piles. One of these stacks was more favourable overall: it only brought small winnings, but not such big losses. After about ten draws, the measuring device signalled a stress reaction when the test subjects reached out for the bad pile. They now used it less frequently. After around 50 passes, this physical reaction developed into a feeling that the test subjects could describe as aversion. However, around 30 more rounds were necessary before the test subjects consciously recognised the game and were able to justify their aversion.

When we are unsure, we search for information. This often only makes us more insecure.

Even in people who could not understand the logic to the end, the body reliably indicated which pile was the better one - and they also began to avoid the bad pile without being able to justify this.
So it's worth using our intuition when making decisions and not always just going by which alternative seems to have more plus points on the list of pros.
Our brain processes vast amounts of information every second, with only a very small proportion reaching our consciousness. Intuition has nothing to do with esotericism or supernatural powers - rather, it is based on empirical values that are often not consciously accessible to us.
But how do we tap into this source?

Decision method Tetralemma

The tetralemma is based on a traditional Indian logic that leads us away from the narrowness and pressure that arises when we think we have to decide in favour of one or the other alternative. It expands the decision space to include three variants: «Both», «Neither» and «Something completely different». The philosopher Matthias Varga von Kibéd and the psychotherapist Insa Sparrer have developed a coaching tool from this.
All you need is an open space, five sheets of paper and a thick pen. Now write the five variants on the sheets: One / The other / Both / Neither / Something completely different.
The first four variants are placed in a cross shape on the floor. «The One» and «The Other» face each other. The «Something completely different» variant is placed slightly outside.
Now stand on «The One» and think of the variant that is currently in the foreground. For example: We are moving to Singapore for the job offer. Feel inside yourself and pay attention to all the associated feelings and physical sensations. This doesn't have to take long - the aim is not to recall the arguments in favour of this option, but to listen to your gut for a moment.
Secondly, focus on «the other» and repeat the process.
The third option, «Both», often seems impossible at first. After all, you can't stay here and go, check the child and not have it checked. However, if you allow yourself to get involved for a moment, the feeling of irritation disappears and new possibilities open up. Perhaps you say yes to Singapore, but postpone it to another time? Maybe you realise that it's mainly about a career change? Perhaps the stay abroad is appealing, but the duration seems too long for the family and should be shortened? If this position feels best, it should be discussed afterwards how the advantages of both options can be merged into a new solution or a compromise can be found.

With the tetralemma decision method we leave
the rigid boundaries
of our reason and surrender to our intuition.

Sometimes you feel most comfortable with the «neither» option. You realise that you may not want to make a decision at the moment or that both options don't feel right and are unsatisfactory.
Finally, you place yourself outside the cross, slightly away from it, on the last option «Something completely different». If you notice that this position gives you a boost of energy, your chest expands, your body relaxes or you start to feel a pleasant tingling sensation, the second step is to think about whether something completely different might be the right thing to do. Perhaps old dreams, longings or seemingly crazy ideas come to the surface: what if I quit my job and become self-employed instead of staying here or accepting the job offer in Singapore? Or take a six-month career break and travel with my family or revive my artistic streak and prepare an exhibition?
In the tetralemma, we leave the rigid boundaries of our reason and logic for a moment and surrender to our intuition. We pay attention to what feelings and physical sensations the individual variations trigger in us and what images and thoughts our subconscious sends us. Sometimes this helps us where the head alone is overwhelmed.

About the author:

Stefanie Rietzler is a psychologist and author («Geborgen, mutig, frei - wie Kinder zu innerer Stärke finden», «Erfolgreich lernen mit ADHS», «Clever lernen»). Together with Fabian Grolimund, she runs the Akademie für Lerncoaching, a counselling and further education institute based in Zurich: www.mit-kindern-lernen.ch, www.biber-blog.com. Stefanie Rietzler is the mother of a two-month-old son and lives with her husband in Zurich.

Read more from Stefanie Rietzler:

• «You're going out now until you've calmed down»
  Children are often so caught up in their anger that they frighten others with their outbursts. Many parents and teachers then order the raging child to take a «time-out». It would be more beneficial to empathise with the child and help them to put their anger into words.

• How does your child react to praise?
  Is your child bad with praise? What does that look like for you? If you understand your own reactions to compliments, you will also be able to better understand your children's behaviour.

• Giancarlo the coati always sneezes when he makes a mistake
  It often helps children if you separate a problem from their person and give it the form of a stuffed animal or fantasy creature.