I am marrying a family

Six per cent of all Swiss children grow up in patchwork families. Our author Valerie Wendenburg experiences that it is not always easy to reassemble the family structure like a jigsaw puzzle.

In the eighties, there was a tiny television in my father's study that my siblings and I loved to watch. Especially when programmes like «Wetten, dass...?» or «Verstehen Sie Spass?» flickered across the screen. My favourite at the time was the series «I'm marrying a family», which was broadcast from 1983-1986. I didn't miss a single episode. I was thrilled when «Werner» (Peter Weck) fell in love with «Angie» (Thekla Carola Wied), who struggled through everyday life as a single mum and successfully concealed the existence of her three children from the new man at her side until the marriage proposal.

The patchwork family, which grew with the addition of a child, fascinated me with all its smaller and larger joys and sorrows.

«1+1 equals 5»

30 years later - I had almost forgotten about the series - I fell in love. I was divorced at the time and living alone with my three sons - until my new boyfriend moved in with us. He married a family. Just like in the first episode of my favourite series, it was «1+1 equals 5» for us too. And we also had another daughter together - just like in the script.

At our wedding, my brother put forward the theory that my life path had been clearly mapped out since my youth in view of these undeniable parallels. Since then, I've often thought about the series, which still has fan clubs and was even allowed to experience a revival on ZDF in 2020. Even if many scenes today seem to have fallen out of time, I always have to smile when the patchwork everyday life seems to be falling apart at the seams. The TV family demonstrates that entangled situations can be handled more easily. That humour can help people not to take themselves too seriously within the family constellation and to accept minor conflicts with a wink. Humour can have a liberating effect and help you to define a new and appropriate place for yourself in the spinning family carousel.

The new man and the role of father

Unlike in traditional constellations, the roles in patchwork families are not clearly defined. My husband has never tried to take on the role of father, but he is there for the children by marriage when they need him or ask for advice. He has been doing this for more than ten years now. At the same time, he hardly makes any demands and always has to take a step back in his role. Especially in times of corona, when only two accompanying adults per child are allowed at various school events. Then it's clear to the boys: Mummy and Daddy are coming with them. My husband takes the back seat in such situations, even if he experiences school worries or exam anxiety first hand in our everyday life together. He has never complained about it himself. But I quickly feel like I'm at the centre of things and have to please everyone. My alarm bells go off as soon as I start to worry that the family balance might be upset. In a patchwork family like ours, not everyone is automatically on an equal footing because the circumstances are different. For years, one example of this was the Friday evening when the door slammed shut and my sons made their way to their father.

This sudden imbalance between the siblings often throws me off balance, and our little daughter is also always surprised that her brothers are suddenly away for a while. Sometimes she thinks it's great to be able to stay with us on her own, other times she's annoyed that her brothers get birthday presents from two dads and she only gets one. I give my sons credit for the fact that they never compare themselves with their little sister and don't let any competition arise between the siblings. When one of them spent an exchange year in South America at the age of 16 and flew thousands of kilometres away from us and his home country, I toddled around the house sleeplessly. My husband, on the other hand, slumbered blissfully, he was happy for my son, his pain of parting was incomparable to mine. In moments like these, the difference in the bond with your own child comes to the fore. Accepting this fact and not wanting to force feelings challenges me. Conversely, the good relationship and respectful interaction between my husband and my sons seems to me to be a gift and anything but a matter of course.

There is no patent remedy for patchwork families

Worried about change, I often try to resolve conflicts as soon as they arise. If small arguments about gardening or other trivialities are on the horizon, I reflexively try to drive them away. I try to talk my sons into it before my husband does. Today, I'm trying with increasing success to stay out of these discussions. Over time, I've realised that my need for harmony can be counterproductive. Thanks in part to my younger son, who recently asked me why I always try to solve all the problems - it's not necessary, everything is fine the way it is.

For patchwork families, there is no one-size-fits-all recipe for growing a family from the individual family members. Respect and appreciation are essential when the new life construct is suddenly reassembled like a jigsaw puzzle. The relationship between parent, partner, children and new siblings must be constantly reassessed. Everyday friction is part of this, but does not pose a serious risk if there is affection and respect. The series «I'm marrying a family» already showed this in a humorous way. Watching it «live» on the screen in the mid-1980s was not only fascinating for me and still helps me today to view my own situation with the composure that is often necessary.

I am marrying a family

I am marrying a family

«1+1 equals 5»

The new man and the role of father

There is no patent remedy for patchwork families

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